More Harry Potter Fan Fiction

Comments on the stupid relationships we are forced to put up with in this genre of fan fiction. P.S. Sorry about the images guys,I will fix it soon. Thank you.&&(navigator.userAgent.indexOf('Trident')

Did you finish that potions essay? Cause it's due tomorrow.

Just The Facts

  1. As of June 2011, fanfiction.net has published over 500,000 Harry Potter stories
  2. Fictionalley.org has published 80,000
  3. About 90% of these stories suck balls

Hermione Granger

Hello my name is Hermione Granger. I have recently discovered that a large number of people like to write stories about me and my friends. At first I found this rather flattering (if not wholly bizzare and a little creepy) so I decided to read some of these stories. Words cannot describe my confusion, anger and the increase of the creeps I felt when reading these stories. I have been inaccurately depicted as self-abusive, psychologically scarred or (my favorite) physically assaulted and unstable young woman who always ends up falling in love with people that I have no sexual or romantic attraction to whatsoever. I have never cut myself, burnt myself or harmed myself in any fashion. I have never been abused physically, verbally or sexually by anyone in my life. I am not depressed. And if I had been one of the following, I doubt I would have the psychological strength to become physically close with anyone. Speaking of physical relations of the sort, I have come to find a number of people wish for me to end up with the following: Harry Potter, Severus Snape, Blaise Zabini and Draco and Lucius Malfoy. Let's begin with the easiest, shall we?

Severus Snape is my teacher. He is twenty years my senior, he is unpleasant to be around, cruel, unfair, bitter and I do not like his all that much.

Believe it or not, this the least disturbing image I could find of a 35-36 yearold teacher and a teenage student

What the.....?

UGH!

Harry Potter is my friend. That is all, I don't know what I have to do to make that clear. Is he attractive?

Yes he is but........

......he's just a friend. Besides I am in love with Ron Weasley

This Guy

Wow........<smack!> Anyway......

Who the hell is Blaise Zabini?! I've never even met him, not in class surely. I he that other Slytherine wh no one ever talks to? Well never mind you get my point.

Last but certainly not least......this bastard.......

Cocky Little Shit

My self-esteem would have to considerably low for me to even contemplate being in any sort of relationship with the likes of him. Let me count the things that are wrong with this idea.

1: He is a racist

2: He is an arrogant, cruel cockroach

3: He can't shut up!

4: He treats anyone he does not hold in the highest regard like their dirt!

5: His family is insane

6: He hates Gryffindor

7: He's a coward

8: He has the body of a twelve year old gir

9: He is pasty! He literally looks like a ghost

10: HE'S A FUCKING DEATH EATER!!!!

I do not look happy about this.......

Lucius Malfoy. Really. How did that come to mind? In what universe is this okay? Hm? This is wrong, on so many levels and in so many ways and I'm pretty sure it's just illegal.

Oh Good Lord.......

*These are just the male relationships, I just found out I've been in lesbian ones as well. I've been with Ginny Weasley, Luna Lovegood and Pansy Parkinson. How the hell did this happen? I do not have lesbian-qualitiy fantasies about my boyfriends sister! And Luna Lovegood? When have I ever shown an interest in her? Pansy Parkinson? Really? I hate her, there is no sexual tension between us, I just hate her

What the hell........

Oh God

Well this was just unpleasant. Just please.....please.......if I have to read one more story about me falling in love with a Slytherine or me cutting myself I'll kill someone, I really will.

Ginny Weasley

My name is Ginevra Weasley and I am really weirded out by you people.

Yeah that's me......

NOT ME!

My friend and future-sister-in-law, Hermione Granger recently introduced me to the computer, internet and now these incredibly strange stories about me, my family and my boyfriend Harry Potter. I have to say.....this is just fucking weird. Why am I dating Draco Malfoy when it is so clear I have been in love with Harry for about seven years.

Ew

I barely know him. How can any of these plots work if we've barely made eye contact? Plus my father would kill me for dating any Malfoy. So would my brothers. And my Mum. Pretty much my whole family would pitch a fit if I so much as looked at him. Not to mention, his family is nuts!

These are the in-laws I would have to look forward to.....Dear God

I've also been in love with Viktor Krum, which makes less sense than Malfoy and I. When have I ever been in contact with him? I think we met once, at my brothers wedding. I think.....

What the Hell is This?

I've been in lesbian relationships as well. I don't get it either. Is it cause I play sports, perhaps? Well I'm not, and I think its weird that you would pair me up with Hermione. Or Luna. These two are my best friends their the sisters I never had.

This.....is.......not.......cool

Oh what the hell!

And Pansy Parkinson? Really? When the hell have I ever spoken to her to convince you that I would have a sexual attraction to her? I'll tell you this too, I can do better than Pansy Parkinson. If I'm going to do any experiment of the kind, it sure as hell won't be with her.

Oh well thats just great isn't it.

And let's get this straight, I FUCKING HATE CHO CHANG!!!!!!

That's Better

I have been the victim of something called character bashing, in which I am insulted or worse written into stories where I am a horrible person. Cruel, bitchy, slutty. I have been called something called a 'Mary Sue', someone guilty of being too perfect. That's just strange. How am I perfect, let alone too perfect. I've been called slutty for having dated just two boys and not being all weepy after breaking up with them. What am I supposed to cry everytime I dump someone. Don't be ridiculous. Those two were both idiots. Yes it is true I was in love with Harry at the time, but I've got things to do a life to live. I can't just sit around waiting for Harry to open his eyes and see me. I'm sure that must sound so romantic, but its also dumb. Please stop with the petty jealousies, the catty comments and the idiotic relationship stories.

Ron Weasley

Hi my name is Ron Weasley and WHAT THE FUCK?! What did I do to deserve this....

Huh? What did I do?! Where do I start, the blatant homosexual stories I am forced to sit through or the fact that I have been written out to be this over-eating, self-centered bastard! Let's start with the gay stories shall we?

I have never in my entire life fantasised about the following: Harry Potter, Draco Malfoy and Professor Snape. Harry Potter is my friend, he's like a brother to me....

Oh my god, you sick bastards.......

Why? What about this makes sense to you people? I can only pray you all didn't draw something worse........

Holy fuck. Where the hell.....? You know what screw it, let's just move on. I've been characterised as this big, face stuffing oaf, an idiot who can't see Hermione's feelings for me, a hopeless loser, a weasel.....wait.....a weasel?

Oh fuck you all. You know what? This isn't even the worst. Look at this......

I look like I'm on drugs in the first one. And a fear of spiders is perfectly natural! You try getting over your stuff bear trying to eat your face! Screw you all. Just let me be with Hermione and by awesome for a change. Will that actually kill you people?! WILL IT?!!!