The Wizard of Oz

It was a seemingly ordinary day in the land of Oz. The wicked Witch of the East paced around the town center amongst the Munchkins, making sure they stayed on top of their duties preparing bricks of cocaine (to later be shipped out).

Little did they know, a twister in a far away land managed to pull a house out of the ground (void of piping and with the floorboards in tact) and send it flying through the airspace of Oz. The Witch of the East had been busy hounding a little Munchkin for slacking off and was obviously not looking up. He of course tried to tell her in the form of a slight point upward with his trembling finger...

"Um...Easty? There's a...uh...I think you should take a loo-" But she of course told him to shut the fuck up and as we all know, the house landed right on her, leaving her legs exposed (hot).

The Munchkins gave thanks and praise to Dorothy (and her little dog too). Dorothy naturally gave a few curtsies and smiles, taking credit for freeing this small (pun intended) town from oppression. Who wouldn't want free attention for something like that?

Red smoke bursts and a green and angry sister learns of the death. It's the Wicked Witch of the West, and Dorothy shuts right the hell up and stops taking praise. She begins playing the other side of the scenario and exclaims how there's no way she could have intentionally done such a thing!

Dorothy is spared for the time being, and a big bubble, yet another Witch, encourages her to wear the ruby slippers (you know how drug runners will sometimes throw on a red or blue hoodie?). The Munchkins tell Dorothy to follow the yellow brick road over and over again, just to see how easy she succumbs to peer pressure. They repeat it, and repeat it, and repeat it to the point where you want to smack them upside the head. But here's why they did it! While you're singing about the beautiful yellow brick road, are you REALLY going to pay any attention to the red brick road? That leads to the white brick mountain of cocaine? Lets see the footage

So the Munchkins watch Dorothy trot along off into the distance, clueless and easily manipulated. The revolution has begun. Their oppressor is dead and slipperless, their land is neutral in the drug ring. The cage is rattled.

Just as misery loves company, the same goes for those who are lost, damned, scorned, and easily manipulated. Dorothy comes across a guy who is so baked on the product that he was sent to go work in the fields. Scarecrow.

Lets be honest. If you went for a job interview, are you going to note, primarily, that you don't have a brain? That's like trying to become a heart surgeon before singing "If I only had sobriety". They would kick you and your shaking, untrustworthy hands out so quick your head would spin. It really says something about Dorothy's brain when she's so willing to take on a partner that constantly falls apart and sings about it.

Dorothy starts to smarten the hell up and takes on a Tin man who has an axe, and a Lion. These are all noble attempts at establishing muscle for your take-over, however, your silver friend is a little rusty and the Lion's a pussy.

This doesn't stop our gang from continuning down the yellow brick road (notice how you don't even KNOW where the red one is at this point?). The Wicked Witch of the West sends things to thwart our group, even downers. She figures she'll drug them with the downers and send her own gang to collect them. This plan is all good and fun, but the true master of puppets is that Bubble Witch of the North. She lets the white powder fall on them and gives them a nice pick me up to help them on their way to the emerald city. The film translates this event as Dorothy once again being ignorant and naive, thinking it was snow.

They arrive to the Emerald City, where all the main production happens. Beyond their tight security used to be a large globe with pink text saying "The World is Yours" but it was taken down. Dorothy cries her way in after the door man stalls for as long as he can, in order to paint the horse a different color (Ol' Whitey is their business mascot. Nothing elaborate, just several posters with his image and a banner reading "ride the white horse").

They meet the PR of Oz, the Wizard himself. He intimidates them into getting the broom of the Wicked Witch of the West. Throughout history, Shaman's and leaders of all sorts have used phallic symbols and staffs to illustrate their rank in a group. Dorothy and her posse is basically being asked to take the leader from her thrown.

After infiltration, running, threatening, and what looked like no hope, Dorothy once again accidentally came out on top. The Witch of the West got cocky and "played wither her food" so to speak. She could have killed them but decided to play it like a Bond villan (rookie mistake).

Dorothy triumphantly returns to the Emerald operation and meets with the PR agent who is revealed to be nothing more than what she is - a puppet. He was all about spectacle but in reality was just a man. They are cheated from their true rewards and as it turns out, courage, heart, and brains were simply figures of speech. A part of me would have loved for literal objects to be pulled out of the shelf. A human heart, a throbbing brain, and a bottle of booze for courage.

Anyhow. In the time it took Dorothy to be led through the lands, doing the bidding of the weak drug runners, the Witch of the North and her PR agent Oz were abled to load up a hot air balloon by the time Dorothy came back from killing the competition.

Oz, mister "capable" and oh so freaking "wonderful" can't figure out how to land the balloon once it "accidentally" takes off. No worries though, the Witch of the North gives Dorothy information that would have been useful at the beginning of this damn story.

"Oh yeah, you're totally capable of going home on your own. Ticket? Money? No! *ha!* - - you just have to click you heels!"

"What?"

"Your heels! Click'em..."

"You can't be seriou-"

"-Serious? Yes I am!"

So Dorothy gets back home and is none the wiser of her encounter with a world bigger than herself. She freed the hard workers and put leadership of the biggest cocaine drug ring known to man in different hands (at least hands that weren't green. Think people. What color was the damn city).

And that is the true story of the Wizard of Oz!