When the job market gets tough, some people work extra hard for their money. Others slice their faces up in order to cover their lack of marketable skills.
Here at Cracked, we know how hard it is to find a real job. Oftentimes, employers are looking for highly motivated employees with the right set of credentials and a professional mindset. Unfortunately, the gap between people who are motivated AND have the money to get the right credentials is widening all the time. The silver lining here is that, thanks to reality television, individuality isn't necessarily on the list of right credentials anymore.
According to the government, unemployment peaked at 9 percent in 2010. That's almost 28 million people. This is an alarming number. Fortunately, there are steps you can take to keep yourself from being this particular statistic. So, without further ado, we present to you:
How To Succeed at Being a Look-A-Like
What you'll need:
1. Vague resemblance to a celebrity.
3. A high pain tolerance
Cosmetic surgeries have remained relatively stable from 2009 to 2010, despite a shaky national economy. And while most people view these procedures as purely vain, there's no reason you can't make your appearance work for you. The average salary for a body double is $35,000 according to this. And while this might seem like a paltry sum, it is essentially money that you're getting for looking like someone else, and that fiscal figure can vary greatly based on several factors, including whom you resemble. Speaking of which...
Much like in romance, it all starts with a look. Magazines like "In Touch" and "People" provide a plethora of photos to choose from when deciding which celebrity you want to resemble. Be sure to choose someone that has lasting fame, lest you end up looking like the flavor of Us Weekly. It's not that we think that Ashlee Simpson isn't a beautiful and unique flower, but it's hard to look like a celebrity who is busy modifying their body image at the same time you're sculpting your face into a living homage to her.
Many people err on the side of preexisting resemblance when choosing a celebrity to disfigure themselves in the name of, but this doesn't have to be the case. Advances in cosmetic surgery make it possible for people like Cindy Jackson to look better now, at age 55, than she did at age 23.
What the...I don't even...
However, if you're planning on going for an extreme permanent makeover, be prepared to shell out the dough.
According to this site, the average cost for all major cosmetic surgeries totalled out to $51,400. We understand, that's a lot of money, but that's assuming you would need to get every single surgery that qualifies as a major invasive procedure. Besides, even if you did need every single major procedure it would still be less than the average cost of a four year collegiate education, which generally has a price tag of over $87,000. And, much like college, all you need to do is come up with some creative ways to cover your costs.
In many cases, health care companies will cover reconstructive surgery. You can kill two birds with one stone by practicing some of that faux-celebrity charm and convincing your doctor of choice to write that tummy tuck off as reconstructive. It's a win-win! The government even recognizes the link between body image and mental health, so all it would take on your end is a fancy-worded claim that dieting/exercise has been insufficient to quell your anxiety over your negative body image, and viola! Your financial woes are at an end. Even if you can't manage to get your health care provider to sign off on your cosmetic surgery, websites like this one offer finance plans specifically for cosmetic surgery. Granted, it's a loan as opposed to free cash, but you're still looking at less debt than your degree in business marketing garnered.
In this article, Dr. David Kaufman describes the pain of cosmetic surgery as varying based on the procedure, with the least painful procedures being Rhinoplasty and Breast Augmentation. Dr. Kaufman says the most painful procedures are circumferential abdominoplasties and brow lifts. One unifying observation that the goodly doctor makes is that in every procedure, the pain only lasts for a few days. And we all agree that if you've made the commitment to modify your body in any physical way, the long-term outcome will always outweigh the short term pain involved.
isn't that right, Rango look-a-like?
So, you've decided which celebrity you're going to pay tribute to with your body, but looks can only get you so far. Now you've got to find a way to market your appearance. What skills does your celebrity possess? Is your celebrity an action movie star? Does your celebrity do a lot of charity work? Or perhaps your celebrity spends all of his time bumping rails off of promiscuous women's body parts.
More like Heroin Monroe, am I right?
No matter what your celebrity does or did, you need to find a way to make it work for you. At the very least, you need to learn to mimic your celebrity's actions enough to be able to impersonate them in public, that way you can pass for them in the event you want that veal shank for the price of on the house. Some might consider this the most literal interpretation of "identity theft," but our lawyers assure us that as long as you claim only to be an impersonator, you should be in the clear.
Pictured: Cracked.com's legal team.
To summarize, transforming yourself into a celebrity look-a-like has the potential to be a very lucrative business, indeed, as long as you are able to properly market yourself using sound business strategies. Oh, fuck; it looks like you might need that business advertising degree, after all.