The Maltese Falcon

When the famous and beloved George Clooney said "Humphrey Bogart is literally the most fuckable man I have ever met" (sources needed) he meant it!

...and he still found time to act.

Just The Facts

  1. The Maltese Falcom is one of the finest film noir's to be made.
  2. Joel Cairo is one of the creepiest people in the world.
  3. Humphrey Bogart was the Chuck fucking Norris of the fourties.

Film Noir

Somewhere around the 1930's, filmmakers, with their cigar smoking and inane speech began to grow tired of the films they were churning out. You know, those really shitty ones where all the women looked like all the other women. They decided they couldnt continue with these utterly retarded films that were being put out time and time again. This is around the time some big shot producers met up with a writer named Dashiell Hammett. Thus, film noir was born. Unlike the films that were being put out at the time, film noir made the hero of the film shitty and corrupt, made women shitty and corrupt, and made smoke the coolest fucking thing ever invented! Film Noir basically took a nice shit all over films being made around that time.

 

The Maltese Falcon

Wikipedia describes The Maltese Falcon as "concerns a San Francisco private detective's dealings with three unscrupulous adventurers who compete to obtain a fabulous jewel-encrusted statuette of a falcon." Now that the shitty describing part is out of the way we can talk about things that matter. Mainly about how Humphrey Bogart is a fucking badass.  He does what every man dreams to do, have sex with an classy sexy woman then send her to jail because she was being a huuuuuge bitch. Also, the film had some other things in it. (Like how the villain is both creepy and faggy at the same time and how Humphrey Bogart lights up his matches with his "Humphrey Bogart match putting into then amazingly lighting up machine")  But those topics stray from the main point. The main point here is Humphrey Bogart is the most badass person to ever exist. EVER. (FUCK YOU CHUCK COCK SUCKING NORRIS). So the movie went on to make a hundred dollars which by todays standards is about 800 trillion dollars or the revenue made by 500 Michael Bay movies.