A Light Guide To 4 Monsters

Jerkface monsters are all around us, but not all is as it seems. Here is a short summary of your basic 4 creepy crawlers.

Just The Facts

  1. Monsters have feelings too. Caling them names like Bigfoot realy hurts
  2. Mosters mutch like the common ninja can not be cougth on camera
  3. Monsters are everywhere..especially ..Behind you!

The Great White Shark

Most feared of all creatures is the great white shark, known for its 1000`s of teeth and murderous blank stare it lurks in any water filled space big enough to hold it.

These fearless killers are trained from birth to ignore pain and cause as much damage as possible to any one or thing it comes across.


" I will end you and all you love"

Probably the most famous attack known to modern man is the full on double hull bursting charge one of these killers gave to the Titanic.

After survivors were picked up by other ships they all told similar and disturbing accounts for what had happened.. "Suddenly out of the dark a great white tip came at us and down the Titanic went."

The great white has a lust for blood unlike any other creature on earth, It will never stop hunting you if it's once caught your scent.

If you ever bled in the ocean you're most lightly living on borrowed time as it is.

Sharks have been known to travel hundreds of miles acrossT land, lakes, and sea just so they can finish the kill and wear your face as a war mask.

So how do we deal with this psychotic killer of all that we love?

Do we pretend that they don't exist and tell our children they can wade safely by the beach? Do we try and hunt the godless devilfish down until all the waters on the planet are turned red from blood? ( our blood most lightly) .

What do we do? .. I am sorry to say that till this day .. I have no idea?


Mummy's are the remaining spirit still trapped in the body's of the crazy cat ladies that spread fear in ancient Egypt.

The Egyptians fear these crazy cat ladies so much that once one finally died they dint just burry them like normal people but bound there entire body's in toilet paper ( or toilet papyrus if you wish ) so they'd be sure they couldn't start moving,

They then proceeded to kill ALL their crazy cats and gave them the same treatment and THEN they brought in huge rocks in to the desert and piled them on top of their graves!

" just look at this asshole "

A mummy will only come after you if you disturb their resting place.

Luckily their resting place is ridiculously easy to recognise as there really aren't that many big-ass triangular stone buildings in the desert.

If by chance you have enraged a mummy and now got one after you your best bet is to just go back to your hotel and go you to your room. Let the hotel personal deal whit the crazy locals, and maybe leave a better tip than you usually do.


Vampires. The oldest and probably most misunderstood of all the monsters in this article.

" Dont juge me! you dont even know me! "

Things we know about Vampires:

1: They only come out at night

2: a stake thru the heart will mightily piss them off

3: Vampires friggin HATE garlic

4: they do love their sassy silken robes

5: They all talk with a ridiculous made-up east European accent.

Vampires are not the monsters old stories make them up to be,

Sure some of them kill people and drink their blood but to be fair if I lived for ever it's really only a matter of time until I myself pick up a hobby that's not socially accepted at the time.

As for the "only come out at night" thing.

Well have you ever been unemployed?

If you have then I'm sure you've noticed that after a while you start getting up later and later in the day.

Being undead is a lot like not having a job, Even the smell you get is similar.

Now say you haven't been working these past 500-years then its really only logical to stay in bed until you feel like getting up.

And as we come to the Stake thru the heart problem I'm sure none of us would enjoy that, Especially if you like the Vampire wear only the fines silks.

Just imagine waking up at the dead (heh) of night with a pain in your chest AND a wooping big hole in your new silk robe,

And good luck finding a tailor that's open at that time!

Garlic wise I can only assume that this goes hand in hand with the whole accent thing, and THAT goes hand in hand with the whole "getting ladies" thing.

Vampires love them self's some nookie just as much as the rest of us,

Now you just try hooking up with a girl when you've got garlic breath. I'm telling you it just can't be done!

All and all I think we should just cut the Vampires some slack, It cant be easy living forever and especially if you by classical law got to sleep in a wooden box like the Christmas toy you got but broke.


Golems will F*ck you up big time!

They are huge man shaped lumps of clay with only one goal in life.. To end yours.

"those things are bandaids made frome peoples skin!"

It beats me why the Jews in world war 2 dint just send all their Golems in to Nazi Germany and end the war before it even started, The only possible explanation I can think of is that the Jews at the time just couldn't find it in them to slaughter all the innocent Germans that might have got in the way.

A Golem will not stop to eat, sleep, or anything ells. They might not be fast but they NEVER stop.

If you have one coming for you then you will never find rest�EVER.

You'll be eating nothing but fast food because sitting down means being still.

Every time you go to the can to take a dump you will be counting the footsteps of doom coming closer ( of course this may well help you speed up your dumping time and I guess that's a silver lining ) .

The only way to stop a Golem it is said is to open its head and remove the mystical scroll that lies there and gives it life.

Exactly who you are expected to do this while the Golem is hammering you in to the core of the earth I don't know.. if you find out , well put it up on your twitter account.