Walker, Texas Ranger

Walker, Texas Ranger was a TV show that featured Cordell Walker cleaning up the streets of Dallas. With as many slow motion fight scenes as humanly possible.

Cordell Walker. Actual Size.

Just The Facts

  1. Walker, Texas Ranger is the second most popular TV show among Texans, ahead of King of the Hill but slightly behind Dallas.
  2. Walker's signature move was his roundhouse kick, which regularly sent his opponents flying backwards 30 feet.
  3. Ahead of its time, the show lasted for only 8 seasons.

Cordell Walker

Cordell Walker was part of the Texas Rangers, stationed in Dallas. He was half-Native American, raised by his Uncle Ray, and even served in the Marines' elite Recon unit during the Vietnam War. He is deemed a "martial arts" expert and has a black belt in karate. Despite having the least American influences possible, Walker believes in the values of the Wild West, and enjoys unnecessarily changing the lives of struggling youth in pretty much every episode.

Although Walker's resume seems impressive, he does his best work as a Texas Ranger. His supreme detective skills allowed him to detect that a plane landed in a pasture only by tasting the soil.

No seriously.

Fuck you, CSI: Miami.

The Villians

Since Cordell Ranger and his gang were almost always involved in every crime in Dallas throughout the show or playing clean-up duty for the police department, you might assume that the Dallas Police Department was the most retarded entity on the show. You would be wrong.

A Prime Example

As you will notice in the clip above, a bad guy is ensnared in Walker's trap. Having already shot his partner and facing life in jail, the bad guy has nothing to lose anymore. All he has to do to escape is fucking shoot Walker. Instead, our Rhodes scholar contemplates if he should wear his hair in a ponytail, allowing Walker to win the fight laying down.

You can also notice his henchmen are none the brighter. Instead of fighting Walker's partner, Trivette, the bad guys seem deadset on hugging him. Not one for sentiment, Trivette promptly kicks the henchmen's asses.


Although a show about fighting crime, Walker wasn't a show to shy away from morals. For example, in one episode, gang violence between two rival gangs, the Guardians and the Blades, threatens the young, bright lives of future drug dealers. Amazingly, these kids have never heard of basketball, or team sports in general, because the kids almost instantly give up on dealing drugs after pro wrestler Hulk Hogan introduces them to the sport. After listening to the Hulk's oily, albeit well-intentioned muscles, the kids become model citizens in their community. Hulk's hard work pays off, since the two gangs almost lynch their former drug dealer. But hey, at least they were working together, right? To end gang violence in your community, just click here.

And who could forget when Haley Joel Osmont proudly told Walker he had AIDS? I mean, every kid should know that their life might have no future too!


Conan O'Brien

Although wildly popular during it's run, Walker, Texas Ranger gained even more popularity when Conan O'Brien implemented the use of a "Walker, Texas Ranger" lever. Conan would pull the lever, and the audience would be treated to a clip from the TV show.

The video speaks for itself.