The Lion, The Witch & The Wardrobe

"You're about to be taken to a dream world of magic"

Just The Facts

  1. The Lion, The Witch & the Wardrobe is a part of a series of books written by C. S. Lewis called "The Chronicles of Narnia".
  2. No one knew there were sequels to this book until Disney made them.
  3. Despite the name; the story is NOT really about an adventure of a lion, a witch, and a wardrobe (which is pretty fucking disappointing)

Summary

The story takes place in the middle of WW2. Four children named Peter, Lucy, Edmund and Susan were sent to an old professor's house in the country side to escape the war, because sending children to an old man's house is ALWAYS a good thing...

Yeah....he looks trustworthy

So while exploring the house (or playing hide and seek, as seen in the Disney version), Lucy- the youngest of all the children- discovered a deliberately covered up wadrobe in an empty room and, having never heard of the boogie man, decided to do the most reasonable thing: get inside it (Protip: a wadrobe is amongst the worst place to explore and hide)

Lucy then discovered that the wardrobe is a magical gateway to a whole new world (a new fantastic point of view), and since her mom hasn't taught her to never wander into strange, unknown places, especially one inside a moldy closet, Lucy proceeded to explore. She then met a faun named James "Horrible-chinbeard" McAvoy, and made friend with it (her mom have never taught her not to talk to strangers either? what bad parenting).

He's half nude for god sake.

The faun then invited the girl into his home, and told her the story of the evil White Witch that rules the land. He then blew a flute, and made Lucy fall asleep, but just when you think you're watching some sort of sick child/ furries pornography, he stopped and told Lucy he's sorry. As it turns out he was just following the witch's order- To capture any human that come to the land- because he couldn't hurt her, he then tells her that she should get her ass back to the closet.

When she got back, she realized that time has not passed in her world, even though she spent a whole day in Narnia. She told the story to her brothers and sisters, who didn't believe her, because they have no imagination.

They said posting a reference to this scene from Spongebob would be too predictable, I told them "yo mama" and did it anyways.

Later, Edmund- the second youngest- follows Lucy into the closet, and discovered that she was telling the truth.

While following Lucy into the forest, Edmund met a woman, who told him she's the Queen of Narnia, she promised him that she can make him king if he take his douche bag siblings to her castle (no one really likes Edmund). So, being the dick that he is, he agreed. And just to be a bigger dick, when he and Lucy got back, he told everyone that there was no Narnia, and Lucy was lying.

Above: Bigger dick

Some days passed, and the siblings were hiding from the maid- who was giving people a guide throughout the building, they decided to hide in the wardrobe. When they discovered that Narnia existed, and realized what asses they were to Lucy, they apologized and asked for a tour. Lucy took them to the nude faun's house, but was told by some beavers (no, I'm not gonna make a dirty beaver joke, get your head out of the gutter) that he was capture by the Witch. The beavers (I said no goddammit) took the children to their house, and told them that they are the sons and daughters of Adam and Eves, who can stop the Witch with the help of the true king of Narnia- a lion named Aslan.

2 daughters and 2 sons, an animal to stop a witch?...WAIT A MINUTE?!...

While Scooby Doo and the Gan- err i mean, the children were listening to the story, Edmund -being the slippy dick that he is- slipped out and went to the witch's castle... how he got there is unknown, since it took forever for the other siblings to get there later in the story. When he got there, the Witch bitch slapped him, because he forgot to bring his siblings to her, and took her Polar Bear Calvary out to capture the children, but since she forgot to replace her sleigh's blades with wheels, she fail to pursues them when they got to grassland.

The children soon found Aslan the lion, and together, they rescued Edmund and the nude Faun. The witch then brought up some law about no stealing prisoners, and Aslan- being the good little kitty he is- traded his life for Edmund, because he's scared that the Narnia.P.D might arrest him for breaking the laws (a few certain politicians could really learn from this). The Witch killed Aslan, but little did she knows, he came back to live using a cheat that granted him 30 lives.

Up, Up, Down, Down, Left Right, Left, Right, B, A, Start

Then there were a battle between half nude creatures of Aslan and hairy creatures of the Witch (the nice hairy beavers are exeptions ofcourse, they were on Aslan's side). After a few minutes of getting their ass kicked by the Witch, Aslan finally came and rescue them by mauling the her. The battle ended and the children became rulers of Narnia (in the Disney version, Lucy used a healing potion Santa Clause gave to bring all the dead creatures back to life, so it's like nothing really happened).

The children stayed in Narnia for 15 years, until they wandered back through the closet, and returned to their regular boring world.

They would return 3000 years later for the sequel called "Prince Caspian" to find that those primitive Narnians still haven't even invented guns yet.

And the whole thing was also apparently some Commie-Christianity propaghanda thing, or something.

The End

This would have been way better.