The Kings of Leon

Kings of Leon is a rock band. They write songs about many subjects: fighting (over girls), playing music (to get girls), drugs (and the girls they do them with), sex (presumably with girls), and one song about a "lovesick vampire."

Yes, they have a song about a lovesick vampire

I think we found the secret to their success

Just The Facts

  1. Kings of Leon is a rock and roll band from Nashville, TN.
  2. Despite being together for 11 years, most of their fans are positive they formed a week before Sex on Fire was picked up by mainstream radio in 2009.
  3. Three of the band members are brothers. The fourth is their cousin.
  4. The band members had nomadic childhoods, moving often with their traveling father, a Pentecostal preacher, named Leon.
  5. Collectively these church boys write some of the dirtiest lyrics to ever come out of the radio and wax poetic all over your face.
  6. They get away with it since no one can understand what they're saying anyway.


For as much information that exists online regarding Kings of Leon, the bulk of their fan base seems hellbent on remaining ignorant towards their career prior to mainstream success. This has led to widespread misconceptions such as...

1. "I love their first album!"

You know, it's a sad commentary on how little the average music listener cares about a band when Kings of Leon can sell millions of records and still have a fan base who thinks they only have one album. This belief is so prevalent that their singer will take time during concerts to point out that they have four albums, not one. This wouldn't be a big deal if the other albums were recorded in an attic and sold at shows in their friend's basement on CD-Rs with 'KOL' written in sharpie.

You say you're DIY, but we know you're just broke

No, these CDs were released on a major record label. And during those years Kings of Leon toured with Bob Dylan and Pearl Jam while their music was featured in movies and video games. You can even find footage of the band on David Letterman years before their fame. We knew it was possible to be bad at making music, but who knew you can actually be bad at listening to music.

2. "Finally there's non-misogynistic rock music on the radio!"

Guess again, ladies. Don't let the emotional, tender chorus of "Sex on Fire" fool you, this band is far dirtier than any 80's hair metal group could ever dream to be.

Yes, these Lynyrd Skynyrd wannabes.

Don't believe us? Next time you'd like to forget what dignity feels like, head out to your local karaoke spot and ask the DJ if he's got "Sex on Fire." You'll be touted as a hero the instant that classic guitar riff comes on and the crowd gives you a triumphant cheer. Fair warning, they may turn on you once you deliver such gems as "Your soft lips are open" and "Knuckles are pale." What's that? Our minds are in the gutter? Well the line before that is "Get head while I'm driving." Nothing says 'let's be soul mates' like a song about road head.

3. "Their singer was totally the bassist for that band Drive Shaft!"

Okay, that one's not real, but we can't be the only ones who thought he looked familiar.

"Drive Shaft? More like Suck Shaft!"- Actual line from Lost

4. "I'm really into garage rock revival... you know, like Kings of Leon"

Somehow Kings of Leon was lumped into the genre of "garage rock revival" due to their mumbled lyrics and gritty sound. However, these traits are also shared in classic Rock and Roll, which begs the question, "at what point does sounding like rock and roll actually grant you the title of Rock and Roll band?"

Falling Ass Backwards into Success

As the sons of a travelling preacher, the boys in Kings of Leon were accustomed to a nomadic life. Tired of the lack of family stability and a lifestyle of sleeping in cars, churches and tents throughout their youth, singer Caleb and drummer Nathan thanked their father by fleeing to Nashville the second they were old enough to leave. It was at this time the sheltered boys indulged heavily in the Nashville rock and roll scene. It's kind of like the naughty Catholic schoolgirl stereotype...with pensises.

Trust us, it's under there somewhere.

Despite a complete lack of musical knowledge, the brothers hooked up with songwriter, and probable pedophile Angelo Petraglia who taught them to craft rock songs. Within six months, the 'band' was signed to RCA records. In a statement sure to piss off any aspiring musicians, Nathan explains the band's formation (keep in mind, this is after they signed to a major label), "We're going to buy our little brother a bass, he's a freshman in high school. Caleb will teach himself the guitar. Our cousin Matthew played guitar when he was 10 and I'll play drums."

Within six months of 'deciding' to be a band, Kings of Leon were signed to a major record label. This is something that only the hardest working bands in the business even have a chance achieve, and only then after many years of underground success. Then, Caleb casually reveals the band members couldn't even play their own instruments! To make matters worse, that quote was his response to the record label when they offered to hire the best musicians money could buy to be their backing band. What a dick.


Let's put that all in perspective, shall we? That would be like you telling your friends today that you're going to be an actor, and your gameplan is to sit on your ass eating Doritos and watching reruns of Roseanne. Then Universal Studios calls you up and asks if you'll star in a major motion picture. Oh, also they're hiring the past 5 Oscar-winning best actors to star with you. But instead of jumping for joy, you respond, "Nah, I'm just gonna call up Brian from accounting, my ex-girlfriend Carol and this guy Dave from my 6th grade social studies class to co-star." And Universal agrees! And to top it all off they give you a budget that even Michael Bay would be envious of! Bullshit!

To their credit, Kings of Leon spent the next nine years working their asses off in order to get where there are today. If you want to spend nine years with that asshole Brian, Carol the clingy bitch and smelly Dave, go right ahead.

The Future

So what does the future hold for these boys from Tennessee? If their past success is any indication, I think we all know the answer to that...

Werewolf Concept Album!