Facial Piercings

Facial Piercings are jewelry installed in your face in order to make job searches easier in this tough economy. Well, easier for everyone but you.

Just The Facts

  1. Piercings have been around since pre-history, but have recently come back in to vogue in the past handful of decades. We will be talking about the ones in your face.
  2. These days, there has arrived such a concensus about technique and procedure that pretty much any piercing is as safe and professional as surgery. Well, any surgery that includes cost of jewelry in its price.
  3. That said, some come with unforseen complications that aren't talked about much and hopefully you won't have to experience. These will be listed below.

Nose Piercings Can Install Stink Inside Your Face.

If you're unfamiliar with how piercing works, essentially a needle is pushed through the skin to make a hole, then the jewelry is worked through that same hole. Ideally, your body then forms a fistula (a little tube of skin, in case you didn't want to click that gross medical dictionary link, which you totally don't). Congratulations, you now have another part of your body to keep clean.

We're not going to go over the hygeine details since your piercer would have gone over them with you if you went this route. However, if you're not diligent, dead skin cells and the other gross nasty shit that inhabits your nose can accumulate on the jewelry building up into a funk that can be scientifically described as smelling like "chipotle butthole fajita".

To reiterate, your lazy ass just cultivated a fermented funk on an object installed on the inside of your nose. As in, you can't turn your head away or pretend the dog did it. There's no escape.

Lip Piercings Make Meals A Challenge.

After the pain and swelling goes down and your ready to use them like a normal person, your newly pierced lips will start revealing a lot of things you took for granted up until then. For instance, you probably never took the time to think of all the situations that rely on the fact that your lips meet together in a waterproof seal. Situations like eating with a spoon, or drinking out of a can. You'll find yourself confronted by a similar annoyance to the one caused by that kink in the windowseal that lets that one thin stream of water drip inside your driver's side door during rain. Except, you know, it's part of your face now.

With practice, you'll be able to find yourself eating at least as well as you did in elementary school. However, it will be humbling the first dozen or so times you try to drink a soda, and you'll begin to pick very carefully who you eat soup around.

Also, you start buying napkins by the case.

Of course, these are complications specifically involved with lip rings (or the occasional vertical labret), but choosing a stud doesn't mean you can't turn around and get gum erosion if you're not careful. So, you know, choose wisely. Oh, and if you ever figure out how to whistle properly again, we'd love to hear about it.

Surface Piercings Will Navigate Your Face Like Magellan.

Sometimes it happens because you're a screw up, but sometimes it's just because God doesn't like you. We're talking about piercing migration. It can be caused by infection due to poor after care or wearing jewelry that's too heavy, but can also be a symptom of allergy to the metal in the piercing. Sometimes piercings will even settle in a different spot because its placement interrupts the "flow" of the skin (the directions your skin stretches as it tightens and loosens during movement). So it's not necessarily your fault, but it probably is.

This is most common in surface piercings like the eyebrow, anti-brow, bridge, etc. Barring physical intervention (getting snagged or ripped by something), most migrations end up milimeters from the original piercing spot, or just forcing the jewelry directly out of the skin as it would a splinter. However, some of the more extreme cases can actually occur from traditional small-gauge ear piercings (like the kind your grandma wears), due to what is horrifyingly called the "cheese-cutter effect". We'd recommend against clicking that link too.

Like what's happening here, if that was a block of human flesh.

By the way, if you're not completely mortified yet, the same thing can happen to nipple piercings. Have fun with that image.