Nick, Joe and Kevin Jonas are a lot of things: a band, brothers, the lynchpin in Disney’s plot to build an army of adolescent girls. They also have really awesome hair.
For those of you who aren't familiar with the music of the Jonases, here is a little sample to eat away at your soul:
The Jonas Brothers have pumped out four albums since 2006: It's About Time, Jonas Brothers, A Little Bit Longer, and, the confusingly named, Lines, Vines and Trying Times. They have had a total of 12 singles from these albums. That's an average of one single every three months. Though this may seem like spreading yourself thin to normal musicians, the Brothers (along with Miley Cyrus) have the sugar-high youth of today eating out of the palm of their freshly manicured, purity-ringed hands.
No sex until marriage. (Or if she has a great rack.)
Despite their music being described by some critics [us, right now] as "everything that's wrong with music" and "the cause of all war and famine", the Jonas Brothers have millions of fans and have sold over 8 million albums worldwide to date. As a point of reference, there are 130 countries in the world with populations less than 8 million.
Now, before you go getting ideas about rounding up all of the Jonas fans and putting them on an island somewhere, take a look at this graph illustrating just who these people are:
Still want to round them up? Yeah, us too.
In the mid-90s, the Walt Disney Company, seeing the success of the band Hanson, decides that a brother band (in conjunction with the Cyrus Project, AKA Operation Demon Spawn) would be a perfect way to build an army of children. Why children? Why not.
So, Disney adopts three brothers: Nick, Kevin and Chet, and put them in an intensive musical training program.
The original band. Guess which one's Chet.
Unfortunately, Chet could not keep up with his brothers' musical prowess, and in 2005, as commonly happens with those who can't keep up at Disney, he died in a terrible accident involving a gun (and someone shooting him). This was a large set back for the band since this was only a year until their first album was set to come out.
Thinking quickly, Disney rushed their non-musical android, the Juvenile Orgasm Evoker (JOE), into production as a replacement, thus explaining why Joe Jonas can't play an instrument (or understand the emotion humans know as "love").
Proof you say? We think the poorly photoshopped picture speaks for itself.
The plan worked and the brothers have been meticulously doing their hair and inciting adolescent riots ever since.
Also, Disney gave Nick Jonas diabetes. They forgot why.
The Jonases also have a short, but lucrative, filmography. They first gained recognition the way most successful musicians do: by appearing in an episode of Hannah Montana.
They became as famous as they did, however, because they starred in Disney's not-as-successful follow-up to High School Musical, Camp Rock.
Its a camp and theres rock involved. Don't ask.
There also exists a completely non-fictional fourth Jonas Brother who is devoid of talent and fame. Wikipedia lists him as an actor; however IMDb lists only two acting credits (one being an appearance on his brothers' TV show), meaning that he is an actor in the same way that Shaq is a rapper (only kinda).
Frankie "Not dreamy enough to be a Jonas" Jonas
And while some may argue that "He's only nine" and that we're "just being huge bastards", we say it's never too early to declare this kid a failure.
A lot can be said about Jonas Brothers fans. However, nothing can sum it up more fittingly than this simple picture:
Seconds after contact, she exploded with excitement.