Pokemon

Just The Facts

  1. Pokemon was one of the first, and most successful, anime cartoon shows to hit the Western world.
  2. The anime follows the adventures of a 10-year old bastard child defeating other Pokemon trainers.
  3. The Pokemon franchise also includes videogames, trading cards, toys, and many more methods to steal your soul (and wallet).

The Anime (in Summary)

The Anime (in Detail)


Introducing Ash, a boy still stuck in the closet, kicked out of the house by his slut mom at the age of ten. Apparently, in the Pokemon world, its customary that every 10 year old kid is supposed to just go hike around by themselves and fight wild animals.

Relax! Its just an Eevee.

And we're not talking about squirrels and and spiders, we're talking about fire-breathing salamanders, and animals made of fucking boulders, and animals with blades for hands. These parents must really have some issues. But to keep Ash safe, they give him a bipolar rat with the power of lethal electrocution.

So after a little while, Ash is joined by Misty, who also has some problems with her family. She's got several Cinderella-esque sisters and no parents apparently fucking anywhere, so she says "Fuck you!" to her sisters and leaves.

Above: Justice.

Ash borrowed (read: stole) her bike to escape a flock of Spearows, but it was destroyed (by none other than the mental Pikachu). Misty hunted his ass down and said that she'd be following him until he found her a new bike. Shortly thereafter, she "forgot" why she was accompanying him in the first place. Right.

Ash and Misty meet up with Brock, who also has no parents, but we actually got to see his father! Yeah, his father ditched the family, so Brock was stuck at home taking care of ten siblings. His dad comes back home, so Brock is able to join Ash and Misty.

But the weird thing about Brock is that he's around the age of eighteen. Here he is, walking around in the woods with a 10-year old boy and a 10-year old girl. Chris Hansen beware.

Brock's also the horniest motherfucker to ever be put in a cartoon show, but none of the girls he hit on ever really liked him. Probably because they didn't like the fact that his eyes are a pair of brown lines.

Enter Team Rocket.

It just so happens that Ash's Pikachu is on steroids, thus allowing Ash to defeat every other Pokemon trainer with relative ease. However, like any typical action-adventure plot, there's always an evil force that will do whatever they have to to just annoy the fuck out of the protagonists.

Team Rocket is no exception. Over the course of the Pokemon cartoon show, which has been running for like six seasons, Team Rocket has singlehandedly invaded 97% of the episodes to get in Ash's way. And in every single episode, they get their asses handed to them. Shouldn't they have realized they need to find a better job? No.

R for Restraining Order!

But Team Rocket weren't too bad compared to the 6 Evil Henchmen Who Sucked At Their Job.

It seems like the Pokemon series will never end. As long as Nintendo keeps pumping out Pokemon every so often, people will keep buying the videogames and watching the show. The storyline of the show will never cease to exist, because of all the "legendary" Pokemon that just so happen to become existant every season. It doesn't totally make sense, but we sure as hell love our Pokemon.

The Games

The Fanboys

Before World of Warcraft, there was Pokemon.

Pokemon fanboys were the ones that leveled up all their favorite Pokemon to level 99, which just happens to take for fucking ever. And then they went to inner-city tournaments to duel other people and argue whether or not "Sandstorm" was a better attack than "Slap". Even the World of Warcraft kids look down upon the Pokemon fanboys.

Websites such as Smogon.com are dedicated to the art of Pokemon battle strategy. If you can name a Pokemon, they can tell you every statistic about the Pokemon, every move the Pokemon could (and should) have, every strategy to beat the particular Pokemon, every strategy to beat other Pokemon with that Pokemon, and so on. You get the picture. For example, the strategy guide for Muk, which is really just a giant piece of sewage shit, has two hefty paragraphs concerning how to beat the municipal waste.

For more piece of shit monsters like Muk, see The 5 Most Half-Assed Monsters in Movie History.