Anxiety

Serious Anxiety is like having two magnets composed entirely of North Poles lodged in your brain and you work in Iron City as an electrical engineer who fails to pay the bills so part-times as a cat herder and the boss will be here ANY MINUTE.

Some perspective on your perspective. Look up GAD, some of you don't know what it means, don't pretend.

Just The Facts

  1. Anxiety is a non-stop, action-packed pile of shit.
  2. Absolutely everything will aggravate anxiety.
  3. It is the only mental condition that spreads literally by fear.

Nevermind why you have it.

Anxiety is like sickle-cell amneia; in nearly any other context it's kind of the last thing you want to have - but it's okay for Malaria so - y'know, why the fuck not. Anxiety either keeps finding ways to swim in the gene pool or was so beaten in by an over-bearing parent you'll have no choice but to propagate it memetically.

You would think that - like any other thing that sucks - one would want to isolate the cause of your perpetual suffering to finally put those demons to rest; but anxiety is also like smoking (which chances are you do.) You will keep inventing reasons for its causation and continuance, tackle these reasons with great personal discovery and insight, then you will celebrate with a cigarette...

...oh wait you're still smoking and you still have anxiety. "How did that happen? I thought I got to the source of the problem. Was I thinking about the wrong thing? Is there some stone left unturned? Did I focus on it too long? Did I ask the wrong people? Was I too forward with the right people so they gave me wrong answers? Did they lie to me because they secretly don't like me? Did I sabotage myself? God the boss will be here any minute and this place is a mess."

Even if it was Caused by Something, the Solution is Nothing.

Anxiety is like teaching your twelve year old to drive. Drive stick. Like your child - it is going to take about a decade to get rid of and will occasionally come back asking for money and attention. Amazingly, it is the only problem out there that you can solve by ignoring with absolute impunity. (Child simile breaks down... sort of...)

Anxiety is a condition, a disorder, one was conditioned to have it and now their brain is out of order because of it - feeding anxiety only makes its neural network stronger, faster, and with bonus features like nervous tics and chest pains and panic attacks.

...I'm... I'm sorry, are we giving you more to worry about? Don't stress, just repeat after me:

Anxiety Is Bullshit.

Anxiety Is Bullshit.

Anxiety Is Bullshit.

Know thy enemy, and know that it is bullshit. Has anxiety ever done anything for you? Notwithstanding any enhanced powers of self-criticism or analysis the answer is always no, anxiety has done nothing for you. It gets in the way of important shit, ruins fun shit, and in some cases, can make taking a shit rather difficult. Creativity doesn't come from it. The urge to do things doesn't come from it - the urge to compensate for feeling like you can't do things does come from it.

There is nothing anxiety does for you but mess up your day, so it's time to call a spade a shit and tell anxiety that it's been fun, but I really don't think this is working out... Which leads us to...

Defeating Your Puny Foe.

The straight up, simplest way to defeat your foe is to absolutely ignore his/her (however you personify) existence. Head racing? "Oh, it is just my foe, it is not anything but my foe, it is preventing me from the calm, fun-loving attitude that I seek, therefore I will cease to allow its existence."

"But Cracked," you say, "isn't that like telling a depressed person to 'stop being depressed,' which we all know is an ignorant, super asshole thing to sa?."

Not really, they may run along similar tracks, but depression is a brain shutdown whereas anxiety is a brain overload. Trying to think everything at once and calculate odds and ends based on false premises and contradictions; like a super computer that forgot to use zeroes in its binary code, anxiety isn't thinking about anything, it's just thinking and running in circles... which uh... can burn you out and lead to depression simply to shut its stupid face up.

Therapy is a great option, but listen to your bullshit detector in case you get a bad one. If your anxiety is, in fact, some sort of ubermench nazi in your brain. You can start by removing as many triggers for anxiety as possible until your nerves stop rattling and you can get an even keel. All the basic 'general health' stuff applies, learning to trust your eyes and understand your instincts is super important too - because they're yours and it doesn't come from the world of bullshit that anxiety feeds off of. (You are what you eat! ANXIETY.)

But after that, start shouting Anxiety is Bullshit - because no matter its delicate intricacies, declaring yourself stronger than it and capable of routing it is one of the times where wishful thinking grants wishes. You can then go on to do the things that prove yourself against the sources of your anxiety, punching that bully right in the nose.

Read up on a definition that isn't a comedy website, and you'll have the mental profile for this social criminal.

Remember. YOU! HAVE! THE POOOOOWWWWEEEEEEEEERRRR!