Given the recent news of Bin Laden’s death, war heroes have been stepping forward left and right, but none of them, however, come even close to topping that of Jim Moats: Baddest Motherfucker Alive. Maybe.
Beginning his career of ass kicking at the blooming age of 19, Moats enlisted with the Navy SEALS in the middle of the Vietnam War. Now, according to Moats, this was a unit where your instructors constructed training by beating the shit out of you. And by that, we mean he was subjected to sessions of waterboarding.
As a drill.
If that doesn't qualify as toughest sonofabitch, keep into account that during these periods of torture (torture inflicted by his own instructors, we would like to remind) that Moats, and his fellow SEALS, were also deprived of sleep and mentally abused almost constantly.
In his own words: "I had almost no discipline. I was as wild as they came. That was my nemesis. They weren't looking for a guy who brags to everyone he is a SEAL. They wanted somebody who was ready but had an inner confidence and didn't have a braggadocio attitude."
However, soon thereafter Moats was visiting a club and got in a fight (we assume the other guy looked at him wrong), and he was demoted to dishwashing duty. Yes, Moats had suddenly found himself living out a Steven Seagal movie -- although it is still undetermined how many mercenaries led by Tommy Lee Jones he actually stopped. Probably a lot.
Not pictured: a pile of Vietcongs impaled at the end of the pole.
And to top it all off, after his term with the SEALS, Moats went on to become a reverend in Pennsylvania, wherein he teamed up with God and devoted his life to battling Gary Busey. If there is one person other than a man of God you do not want to fuck with it is a man of God who can also bake a cake while simultaneously killing seven men while blindfolded.
There was only one problem: old Pastor Jim Moats was sorta full of shit.
Remember our comparison to Steven Seagal's Under Siege? Well, it turns out we may have been more on the money than you thought. Especially when you watch the deleted scene wherein the audience discovers everything that had just happened was totally made up and Seagal's character, Casey Ryback, was just some desperate old man seeking an ego boost.
You see, soon after Moats did an interview for a local paper, another Navy SEALS veteran quickly called bullshit when reading over Moats's tales of waterboarding and kitchen demotions, even going on to point out the obvious: that Moats's whole history sounded like a crazy combination of Under Siege and G.I. Jane.
Moats did not deny these claims, admitting that he had never actually served as a SEAL, nor had he even been stationed in Vietnam during his short military stint between 1970 and 1974. This lie went on his whole life, escaping the radar of both his friends and even his wife, leading some to deem Pastor Jim Moats as the modern-day Don Draper (except, you know, minus all the womanizing ... probably). The only thing that is true about the man is his profession of religion, and even that is beginning to raise some eyebrows. After all, how hard could it possibly be to find a set of clerical clothing on ebay?
Hell, even the elite SEALS badge he wore around town had been purchased at an army surplus store.
"I'll take them all!"