Portal 2

Portal 2 is the sequel to 2007 Game of the Year: Portal, and is goddamn awesome.

Freaking yes.

Just The Facts

  1. Portal 2 is the first Portal game to include Multiplayer.
  2. Portal 2 was Valve's way of saying "Yes, the cake was a lie. We understand."
  3. Portal 2 is better than you are.

Single Player


In the beginning of Portal, your character Chell wakes up, presumably hammered beyond belief, when an adorable-ass British robot Wheatley comes in and your hotel-like storage container room starts freaking moving. Then, you get the Portal gun and all that jazz and then you wake up GLaDoS from the original, Portal who, for some reason, is all pissy because 1. She's a woman (even though she's technically a robot) and 2. You freaking murdered her.

Then, you go through a bunch of testing areas, you escape with Wheatley's help and then replace GLaDoS with Wheatley to control the system. Then, GLaDoS, who apparently decides to tell you highly important information right after it needs to be known, tells you that Wheatley was a robot designed to be put into GLaDoS to keep her less intelligent and somewhat stable. So basically, he was designed by top scientists to be a moron.

That explains the bastard's British accent.

Then, the British a-hole goes power-hungry and turns GLaDoS into a potato. Then, he hurls you into a pit untill you eventually fall into the Aperture Science labs from 1976 where you go through test chambers with multiple gels that make you fast and/or bounce, and also a white Portal gel, which yes, does in fact look like semen.

You beat the tests and make it back to the surface, then Wheatley, the sadistic bastard he is, starts making even more tests to make your life miserable. Then, you beat them and then confront Wheatley then, in a twist of events, you go to the freaking moon. Wheatley gets lost in space, and GLaDoS takes over again and throws you out of the labs with Companion Cube.

The goddamn end.


Let's get this straight: Portal's multiplayer kicks ass. If you disagree with this, you have no soul. It is totally awesome. You either play as the boss robot Atlas or the prancing queer P. Body.

Left: Atlas (Bro) RIght: P.Body (Not a bro)

The tests Multiplayer are pants-crappingly hard and have left me personally not only hating my partner at the game, but also questioning my own intelligence. That being said, Multiplayer Portal is the bee's knees.

5 Reasons Portal 2 Is Better Than You

1. Portal is the only game in which your player can check out her own ass.

Awwww yeaaaaaahhhhh.

2. Your character has boobies.

3. You actually use your brain. After the smoke clears from the gears turning again, it's awesome.

4. Multiplayer will either make you love or hate your closest friend.

5. Portal will make you hate your life.

Damn you and your greatness.