Portal 2

You know what it is. Don't be like that.

No matter how hard you wish, they'll  never be real

She is, though

and apparently, so is this

Just The Facts

  1. Portal was a game that Valve released with the Orange Box back in 2007 to dull the blow of yet another Half-Life cliffhanger ending
  2. Portal 2 was the game that Valve released in April to help gamers forget that they've been waiting for Half-Life 3 for 7 years
  3. Both games were so good that everybody forgave them immediately.

Good News, Everyone!

As you're no doubt aware by now, Portal is back. And don't worry, everything you know and love about Portal is still here, only now there are more puzzles, more humor, fewer safety protocols, and less lies about cake. Now if that last sentence didn't make any sense to you because you haven't played the first Portal, then clearly somebody's locked you in a box for the past 4 years and you have some bigger issues to deal with. But i digress...

Perhaps one of the first new things you'll notice about Portal 2 is that they've increased the cast of voice actors by 300%, in that they've added two new people. The first of which is Stephen Merchant, who is probably best known for doing British things. But for all the Americans out there, you might recognize this character from Assassin's Creed:

Yea, this isn't him. But they're both British, so you know, close enough.

Anyway, he plays the character of Wheatly, who throughout the game will offer some comical narrative, helpful-yet-unhelpful advice, and occasionally ram you through a wall. To help, of course. The other new voice in Portal 2 is J.K. Simmons,

This guy, in case you didn't know,

As Cave Johnson, the former CEO of Aperture science. You never meet him, but you do get to hear plenty of pre-recorded messages by him, explaining all the different ways that everything you're working with can hilariously kill you.


What else is new?

Well, thanks to the bright minds at Valve, you're now able to share all the Portal-y goodness with your friends in the all new co-op mode. "But wait!" you might say, "other people are assholes!" And yes, Valve knows this. Which is why you can really only play with your friends, not complete strangers (as far as I know, at least. I haven't exactly gone out of my way to TRY playing with random people). "But wait!" you might say again, "my friends are assholes too!" And Valve knows this. Which is why they've built a companion cube capable of using a controller, to help phase out all that pesky human interaction that always gets in the ways of enjoying video games.

Ugh. Horrible.

But if you insist on playing with other people, it's only a matter of time before one of you is unable to resist the urge to drop the floor out from under the other, or otherwise send them to their death. And you will get an achievement for this. So clearly, that will discourage you from doing it again. (That's how rewards work, right?)

But Wait, There's More!

In order to keep things fresh, Portal 2 offers more than just standard portal puzzles, it also introduces several new...I guess the technical term is "things" to the mix.

First off, there's the Light Bridge, which as the name suggests, lets you walk on a bridge of light...

Next, there's an anti-gravity beam that can carry you through the air...