The Flavor of Love

The Flavor of Love was a wonderful guilty pleasure on VH1... the first time. Since then it's become a purpetual spin off machine of crap with no end in sight.

Just The Facts

  1. Flavor-Flav is a "Rapper" and "Hype-Man" for the once-popular Public Enemy
  2. 20 Girls are thrown his way for him to choose from, based purely on how well they can whore themselves out.
  3. There were three seasons of it.

Why Should I care?

Well the mact of the fatter is, you already care. Whether you know it or not, you will mention this show in future conversation with a group of respectable (and probably white) colleagues, and laugh at how juvenille and unoriginal this show is. It will evolve from "I watched a few minutes of that "Flavor show" once," to "I only watched the episode because it showed a girl pooping in the commercial," to "New York is such a bitch, Hoopz ain't no gold diggin hooker, I'm glad Flav picked her ova that skank." Talking about this show has been known to inspire ghetto-speak in people of all races.

Who in their right mind would want to watch a 40 something half-forgotten rapper sloppily make out with attention starved hookers half his age? Well it turns out pretty much everybody. Including you, don't deny it. Your interest in the show will become alarmingly apparent after you strike up a conversation with your mother about it without realizing it.

It's often rumored that before The Flavor of Love VH1 focused on music. Some even claim that it still does show music videos. This is impossible to confirm as the current prime time programming on the network has a mind wiping effect.

Season 1

The Flavor of Love is where it all began. Hype-man Flavor Flav slapped on his best gold teeth and his formal clock and invited 20 frighteningly eager young ladies to a mansion (purportedly owned by Flav but in reality owned by VH1 and redocorated and reused infinitely for the various "of Love" shows). Those not yet familiar with the diminuative rapper were introduced to his catch phrases of "Flavor Flaaaaaaaaaaaaaav!" and "Yeah Boiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!!!!" as well has his unique take on language in general. Flav was often quoted to saying that the girls on his show were "rel rel brootiful." Flav gave all the girls goofy nicknames (using spelling that would give an english teacher a stroke) because he couldn't be bothered to remember their real ones. With the help of his butler "Big Rick" and a series of ridiculous challenges Flav narrowed the field down to one lucky lady who promptly dumped him. That's the short version but let's consider some highlights (or lowlights depending on your view of humanity at this point).

Contestants of Note:

Hoopz: the "winner" of Flavor of Love (if you consider getting to date Flav a prize). She gave Flav the ultimate diss by pulling the "we're really just friends" act as soon as the cameras stopped rolling. Bitch.

New York: bossy, bitchy, and mood swings that made her seem like a heaping helping of permanent PMS. The HBIC (Hazardous Black In need of Counseling) distracted from the fact that Flav didn't really like spending time with her by making out with him alot. If her mouth was busy with something other than talking Flav would keep her around.

Pumkin: the only white girl to make it very far, managing to get all the way to the final three. Since being booted for being a media whore she's had many appearances on other VH1 programs, which lead to her being fired from her job as a substitute teacher. The school felt her public persona was a distraction. For some reason they felt that exposing her breasts and asking a guy she just met "do you like to f*ck or do you like to make love?" (this was on Flavor of Love Charm School) is a minor distraction for the raging hormones of teenagers.

Hottie: this contestant is remembered as the "how the hell was she not booted off in the first episode" girl. A blatant gold digger who failed miserably at pretty much everything except showing off a body that was probably better left hidden. She served a raw chicken to Flav and his mother for the fried chicken challenge because she thought the "chicken" setting on a microwave could fully cook an entire chicken. To round out the meal she put in frozen pizza dough and hit the "pizza" button and then put in an ear of corn and hit "popcorn." She tried to make an ice cream dessert in the microwave too using half and half but couldn't figure out how to set the microwave to "cold."

Memorable Moments:

There were a few moments that stick in peoples heads. Or more accurately can't be scrubbed out with a wire brush. We're thinking of Flav showering with Pumkin and Hoopz. Nobody should have to see that much skinny aging rapper flesh, whether it's being attended to by naked ladies or not.

There was also the episode where Flav's behemoth of an ex Brigitte Neilson put the girls through lie detector tests. Neilson and Flav had become an item on The Surreal Life and then had a show following the two as they dated called Strange Love. If you wanted to get technical all of this is a spin off of the Surreal life but that was never the phenomenon that this was and most people forget that for good reason.

Ultimately we have to be honest, there's only one moment that anybody really remembers above all else. When it came down to three the ones waiting see if they would move forward were Hoopz, New York and Pumkin. Ultimately it would be Pumkin who was eliminated but this would instigate an event that started with New York verbally harassing Pumkin to get her ass off the set already. The two exchanged words with New York taunting Pumkin to "slap me bitch!" Well Pumkin was more inventive than that, she spit in New York's face. And not a light spatter either, a full on loogy that just missed going directly into the bossy bitch's mouth. New York immediately went in for the kill but was stopped by crew members.

Season 2

What's a Hype-man to do when the girl he picked out of 20 on a basic cable reality show ends up not being all he hoped for? Do it all over again of course! Same mansion, same Flav, same mission, whole bunch of new ladies. Well except for one. As the required "big twist" New York entered into the competition halfway through much to the bitchy chegrin of the other contestants. But despite bringing her back to remember the good times New York also reminded Flav of all the crazy controling crap as well and she dumped her in the rain for Deelishes.

Contestants of Note:

Deelishes: She seemed a nice enough girl, and word is that she and Flav gave it a serious try after the show. But let's be honest there's only one thing anybody remembers about her. Ass, ass and a whole lot more ASS! Forget junk in the trunk she was pulling a trailer, a fact the camera crew and Flav himself never let go by unnoticed.

Buckwild: The white girl gone ghetto. She talked like Flav and even had her own catch phrase "it's time to get buck-wy-ald!" which seemed rather Flavor-esque. She quit when New York came back saying "that bitch will make me violate my parole." However it was noted by Flav at the time that as Buckwild was ranting about New York her ghetto accent vanished (or as Flav put it: "where the fuck did your accent go?"). Another poser for the pile.

Nibblez: Not well remembered for anything she did. But she talked like Mike Tyson and that stuck with you. Something about her saying how she was "jutht a normal healthy perthun who loves thex," was just guilty pleasure gold.

Toastee: She drank... alot. But that's not why we remember her. She brought out the parent in Flav and in a surprise display of taste and concern he booted her off because she'd done porn and he didn't want to expose his kids to that. The guy had a thoughtful and well reasoned bone in his body (and it wasn't the bone in his boxers). Who knew?

Krazy: Made it to the top three, pimping herself as a singer every single step of the way. Somehow Flav didn't realize until amost the end that perhaps she wasn't there just to be with him and wanted a career boost. A girl using tv exposure to further herself? Madness I say!

Memorable Moments:

This season yielded probably more memorable moments than season 1, though nothing quite as good as the famous spit. But in addition to the above noted booting of Toastee over porn there were quite a few other moments that are well remembered. Saaphyri getting kicked off before the first episode even got halfway through because she beat the crap out of another girl over who got what bed (and Flav wasn't even in the bed). Somehow this was a launching point for her and VH1 brought her back for several other shows after this. Another memorable moment was Krazy not being able to name a single song by Flav and being told by Flav's rapper friends to "use google" if she's gonna be on the show.

But there's one moment that became inconic of this season and really represents the show as a whole. Immediately following the end of the eliminations at the end of the first episode "Sumthin" rushed off to deal with nature's call. She didn't make it. She squatted on the stairs and took a dump on the floor, much like this show took a dump on the intelligence of the audience. Flav didn't boot her right off but ultimately "I tried to get over that sh*t. But I just couldn't get over that sh*t."

Season 3

By this point the challenges had become more of an afterthought the focus was much more on the drama going on in the house. This season quickly became a bit of a blur of bitch fighting. Even the antics of Flav himself took a back seat to all the fights between the girls. The reunion had a new twist, because Flav actually broke it off with winner Thing 2 in order to propose to his new baby mama (he fathered a kid between seasons 2 and 3 with a chick from Vegas). Let's be honest there wasn't much that stood out this time around but let's take a look anyways.

Contestants of Note:

Thing 1 & Thing 2: the twins who if you look at only one of them at a time really aren't very hot. But the double vision got them in and somehow Thing 2 managed to capture Flav's heart. How the hell he even told the difference we don't know. Suspicions are that off camera he flipped a coin when it came time to split them up.

Hotlanta: the center of many fights, probably not helped by her boozing and by the end flagrant gold digging. She implied that Flav was broke and she wasn't interested. Flav took offense and booted her. She never did much herself but inspired enough venom spat by other contestants to warrant mention here. She had a pimple on her lip that was thought to be a herpes sore (a doctor confirmed that it was just a zit, though the zit did have herpes).

Shy: laying claim to possibly the most retched mouth that didn't belong to an English person. EVERYBODY complained about Shy's breath, whether they were 6 inches or 6 feet from her face. Flav actually sent her off to a dentist who said she needed several thousand dollars worth of work done. Surprise, surprise, she couldn't afford that. She tried breath mints but it really was like trying to febreeze a turd, it doesn't work. Really, go ahead and leave a steamer in your living room and try to hit it with "fresh linen" scent. We'll wait.

Memorable Moments:

With the absence of New York and no new or interesting personalities in the cast there really wasn't much that was memorable about this season. There were even twists applenty such as bringing in new girls halfway through but nobody seemed to care. The show did alright in the ratings but interest was clearly flagging and true to his word Flav "is not doing this sh*t again." At least until he decides he's started to fade from the public eye again and he needs another baby mama for those elusive 8th, 9th and 10th children (yeah this guy's been bred 7 times already and says he's not done... lord help us all).

The Flavor of Love's Legacy: All Things New York

The first direct spin off followed The Flavor of Love 2 and that was I Love New York in which self proclaimed HBIC ("Head Bitch In Charge") Tiffany "New York" Pollard had 20 male attention whores vying for her affections. The first season's winner "Tango" dumped her on the reunion special which naturally lead to I Love New York 2. This time she ended up with financially stable pussy whipped "Taylor Made," though they would later break up on camera in New York Goes to Hollywood.

Despite no more dating shows New York refuses to go away and has been kept alive in the afformentioned New York Goes to Hollywood which was followed by New York Goes to Work (what a novel concept). Following the finale of New York Goes to Work viewers voted that they'd most like to see her do I Love New York 3 but thankfully there are no official plans for this to happen as yet. However it can't be too long before she shows up again with a new weave and another boob upgrade.

The second season of I Love New York featured brothers "Real" and "Chance" both competing for New York's heart. While neither of them took home the girl VH1 wasn't going to let the possibility of love lorn brothers pass them by which lead to Real Chance of Love (now in it's second season).

The Flavor of Love's Legacy: Rock of Love

Thankfully the racial gods of television set out to prove that the of Love shows can show the lowest of any racial group. Thus Rock of Love dug up aging rocker Brett Michaels, who had even fewer scruples than Flavor Flav. For example Flav took issues with girls who did porn, not wanting to expose his kids to that. Brett on the other hand has had many girls who have dabbled in porn and one full on career porn star and all that does is give him a boner. While some critics have called "racism" again Flavor of Love, the racial tables were flipped for rock of love with a white star and mostly white girls making up the skank squad.

So far there have been three seasons of Rock of Love, culminating in Rock of Love Bus in which Brett actually took the walking STD labs on tour with him. Officially Michaels and 3rd season "winner" Taya (a former Penthouse Pet) are still together which for the time being is holding any possible new installments in this saga of shagging at bay.

The Flavor of Love's Legacy: Charm School

Spinning off directly from the original show was Flavor of Love Charm School which had comedian Mo'Nique trying to teach the skanks of The Flavor of Love manners, poise and not acting like psycho bitch sluts.

The final victor was Saaphyri Windsor who was booted off of The Flavor of Love for fighting before she even got her required retarded nickname. Apparently the Charm School lessons didn't help though because she's currently serving a 3 year sentence for failing to show up to her 2005 sentencing for her theft of her uncle's identity (alegedly purchasing her fake tits on his credit card). Anybody paying attention to dates might notice that she appeared on three VH1 shows while on the lam from the law. How incompetent are the cops in LA County when they can't catch somebody who's on TV for three years? Maybe they were thrown off by the fact that he was arrested under her real name of Wanda Scott. Imagine that, Saaphyri wasn't her given name. Who would ever think to look into that? Clearly nobody at VH1 or the police because she wasn't caught until she was pulled over and arrested for driving without a liscence.

Following the original Flavor of Love Charm School naturally came Rock of Love Charm School. This one was hosted by Sharon Osbourne who beat the crap out of renouned bitch Megan during the reunion (go Sharon!). That was followed by the more generic Charm School (hosted by total push over Ricki Lake who sucumbed to every sob story thrown her way) which just pulled its contestants from whatever "of love" shows had aired recently.

The Flavor of Love's Legacy: Perpetual Loop of Crap (a.k.a. Miscellaneous Related Shows)

The Flavor of Love has somehow become a perpetual motion machine for VH1, each spin off yielding a new spin off in a seemingly never ending cycle. With Real Chance of Love we've witnessed the spin off of a spin off. And it isn't even necessary for there to be one stand out contestant to spin a new series with (as was the cases with New York and Daisy). VH1 can simply pool the losers for a new Charm School or I Love Money or some other such mash up show.

However it seems that a higher power may be intervening to pull the plug on the whole thing. There's the aforementioned jail sentence of Saaphyri, one or the regular faces of these shows. Also there's the far more unbelievable fate of Megan Wants a Millionaire (which started unabashed gold digger Megan from Rock of Love). The entire show had been shot but the plug was pulled due to contestant Ryan Alexander Jenkins (aledgely) murdering his wife and then (much less aledgely) killing himself. In the interest of good taste VH1 has at present no plans to air any show that Jenkins took part in, which included I Love Money 3 which it is rumored that Jenkins won. The big surprise in all this is that VH1 made a decision on the basis of good taste, something the network was believed to have stripped itself of around the time of Celebrity Fit Club 2.