At one point, a guy in japan wanted to tell a story about a kid who was enthusiastic with children's card games becoming possessed by a powerful ancient spirit. BUT FUCK THAT! LET'S MERCHANDISE THIS BITCH!
So much rape
Much like our way of documenting history as B.C. and A.D. Yugioh's timeline can be measured in B.C.G., Before Card Games.
America wouldn't know of this unless people read the managa that was released, Especially since 4kids refused to air this portion of the series because of a lot of convoluted plot elements revolving around a little boy getting picked on and becoming possessed by an ancient spirit with magical powers and murdering and destroying the lives and minds of people that wrong him.
The face of a boy who just loves puppies.
The story focuses on Yugi moto which the entire franchise is named after. a young child around the age of 15 or 16, the kid looks like he is 9 but his friends look like they are your typical teenage slasher movie age of 20-30. His grandfather that used to be an archeologist now retired to sell children's games at his home/store, gives Yugi a puzzle of an ancient egyptian artifact. Upon creating the obligatory 9lbs. solid gold pyramid mcguffan he unlocks the sleeping spirit of an ancient being who will become more important later, but not as important as the fucking introduction of the fucking cards.
Yugi Moto was picked on by all his friends but after they in turn became victims of bullying by an even more useless character that you will barely recognize him the one time they show in season 1 and how he just happens to be still a useless character in a series set in the distant future. And after doing your typical crazy nightmare inducing rape, the Evil spirit murders the bully and nobody asks any questions and they become quick friends.
You can gauge how bad a guy is by the size of their eyebrows.
The friends in question are Jouinichi (Joey Wheeler, because i needed to remember about captain planet). Tea the token female who is outclassed in feminity by the title character's sexually ambiguous possesed look. And Tristan who for all intents and purposes is probably the only likeable character even though you have to sit through prolonged arcs of a single children's card game.
They go about their business and meet several assholes in the series who pick on Yugi and/or his friends and through your typical innocent children's game like pogs or old maid are horrifically murdered in ways not even H.P. Lovecraft can imagine.
Not pictured, Tentacle rape.
The Biggest Asshole of them all was Seto Kaiba, He was the sole introduction to what will become the main focus of the series "Duel Monsters". This children's game being his only obsession which will later turn into a fetish for dragons and dominating Yugi as his only outlet for his sexual frustration of losing.
Also he originally had green hair, green with envy...i guess
It starts off with Seto's younger brother Mokuba getting his ass handed to him by Yugi, so out of revenge like any big brother can do, challenges Yugi as well and loses, becoming horribly mind raped as he starts hallucinating the duel monsters and being raped by dragons (explains so much). So skip a few pointless murders of jack ass children, Yugi and friends are forced to go into a haunted house, full of things and people hired to murder Yugi and all his friends. As they go through and avoid axe murders, chainsaw weilding maniacs chained in a dungeon, and electric chair ride where they murder a man suffering from gigantism.
Try your monster reborn now!
After walking away from so many mind numbing horrors, The heroes enter the exit which leads them into a stadium full of people where it is revealed Seto Kaiba stopped suffering his hallucinating nightmares and challenges Yugi to another duel and reveals that the kid is so fucking rich not only did he buy off murders and set up an elaborate haunted house maze but to play a children's card game in a spectator staduim using hologram projections of the monsters in the same manner that Kaiba was suffering...Meta?
If murder doesn't work, then just publically humilate them.
Lo and behold Yugi beats the rich kid's ass, destroying his mind and his pride in the process seeing how traumatizing him doesn't fucking work on a being with such powerfully green hair.
Later on they introduce various other characters, who would not be mentioned again or would be revamped as soon as the official series based on the card game would be released. besides characters like Bakura would have ultimately no purpose later on than to be a huge let down minor character. He would never ever be any signifigant to the entire story.
Dropping the original season off the fucking map and retelling it in a total of two fucking episodes.
Yugioh begins with the introduction of the entire meat and fucking bones of what would be this shows only defining plot, Children's Trading cards.
Good bye college fund and hello permanent virginity.
Once again Kaiba get's a stick up his ass and skipping the whole haunted house scheme to just straight up kidnapping Yugi's grandfather and beating him within an inch of his life over a fucking card. So this prompts Yugi to turn into his now more toned down possessed spirit and own him by luckily pulling off the most ubsurd combo in the game's beginning history.
Just condense it into the "I fucking Win" card.
So fresh off of owning Seto Kaiba for the third time in the series (now with brown hair and seven feet tall), Yugi and his friends are pulled into a plot involving the antagonist being the guy who fucking made Duel Monsters. I don't know about you but when somebody makes a tournament of a game not only do they make up the rules for and have a gigantic vault collection of cards that you made and can make new cards that nobody has seen before and can be totally legit, I call it public masturbation. Clearly an opponent that Yugi has yet to beat, especially with mind reading eye artifact powers, This clearly is the greatest challenge he will ever face.
And he just loves children's cartoons and comics, clearly an idol for 30 year old men everywhere.
But Fuck that Yugi beats him outright with the power of plot convenience. Clearly somebody didn't think their whole evil scheme entirely through, maybe if he like put in a fucking haunted mansion and hired actual mercanaries and murders to kill the pointy haired bastard and not a bunch of grown men playing children's card games.
Typical Yugioh antagonist.
They eventually continue the series and begin looking to the actual plot of the series and try to answer the question, WHY THE FUCK DO CARD GAMES MATTER? But hold on first allow us to introduce a new children's game and immediately shoot it down because There are children's card games to play.
Board games involving dice? what's that?
So somehow they tie in Duel Monsters to being inspired by shit that went down in ancient egypt. cause Egypt's hocus pocus religions are the only true one and it all revolves around fucking trading cards. Apparrantly not taking a hint from King Tut's curse, when Pegasus stole artifacts and turned them into trading cards, People died and he created the three most powerful pieces of cardstock to ever be forgotten and never used or played in the official trading card game.
Oh and their effects don't work the same as they did in the show.
So they introduce this plot device, and people who do nothing but steal people's cards, because spending millions of dollars on shit tons of booster packs is out of the question. They are lead by Marik Ishtar, a villian character who's sexual ambiguity is on par with that of our hero.
But In order to give some semblance of a story instead of having the guys break into Yugi's house and murder him. Seto Kaiba returns for the fifteenth time inspired by this new plot devise to create a gigantic tournament putting an entire city out of business in the process all just so he can challenge Yugi again out of revenge.
Money, it doesn't buy you happiness, Especially if your pride is hurt by a low income school kid.
Skip ahead of severl pointless and drawn out card games, and you guessed it. Yugi beats out fucking everybody and wins all the God Cards, all hail the luckiest kid on the fucking earth.
Strategy and Skill, in a game of randomly drawing cards you bought.
Oh yeah, and Bakura is in this series still too. He is just there, in each and every plot line until they finally get to the point in the series involving cards. They finally realise that Yugi is being possessed by the Spirit of the Pharoh, and every other of his friends who also by this time possess ancient artifacts did this same shit Thousands of years ago. And Bakura is some kind of theif king but he loses and guess what, IT WAS FUCKING ANCIENT EGYPT AND THE WORLD WAS GOING TO END IF SOMEBODY EVER PLAYED A FUCKING CARD THAT COULD END THE WORLD.
THE FUCKING END!
So many censored boobies.
Alright so get this. In the future, just after so many post apocolyptic shit happened because of a simple trading card game. The entire world just takes it up by storm, causing not only professional trading card duelists but rich fuck Seto Kaiba thought it was necassary in this new world order to build several school acadamies dedicated to teaching kids how to fucking play a children's collectible trading card game.
I would say that his is probably just somethin for the sake of world peace but, no! this isn't even a peaceful new world. There are Underground duels. and apparrantly another set of god damn cards with the potential power to destroy the world. They just have the originality to drop the whole hokey egypt shit this time.
This show follows a bunch of kids who flock around Jaden Yuki, who clearly is pointed out to be the biggest contradiction. He doesn't learn anything or pay attention in class, just wins because he is way too damn conveniently lucky. And this has attributed him to being totally and rememarkably hateful, imposing that even though he has won out of sure dumb luck, he ends up the best and most highly regarded in the school.
The poster child and role model of the century.
So by dumb luck at the begining of the series, Jaden bumps into Yugi without recognizing the guy that that is world renoun as the King of Games, and is handed a winged kuriboh card that for some reason causes him to hallucinate a little imaginary friend.
"kill them all"
Then he is lucky enough to get permission to duel and try out for the Duel Acadamey while being over an hour late to sign up. Which he is lucky enough that the transvestite running the operation was scolded for. Allowing Jaden to once again become Lucky for the third time in a row and win using cards which will be famously known as the most convenient plot device cards in the series called "Elemental Heroes".
There are no women in this image.
Jaden passes beating the "Best teacher in the school who is a big effeminate transexual", and instantly makes friends with a Blue haired kid that constantly looks like a very sad puppy named Syrus Truesdale, He plays cards that are nothing but cartoonish robot vehicle things.
A kid named Bastion Snobface, who beleives that there is a mathmatic formula to winning a randomly drawn card game where you get to play cards that you buy and are aware how they work. I mean seriously, I am going to talk about this later but, there is no fucking math to this shit, this guy obsesses in building uncessarily complicated decks when it is all just random luck.
The only good thing is that this guy get's dropped off the face of the map.
Jaden is also surprisingly hounded by women such as Alexis Rhodes, a young 17 year old blonde girl with helium jello tits. But she is also a ball buster. Painfully busting some balls with her very athletic ballerina themed cards. Enforcing stereotypes while pushing that token sex object role and denying it the entire way through.
Her entire purpose as one of the few female characters, and her shit is still censored.
And then finally the only Likeable character who constantly tries to play Jaden's exact opposite. Chazz Princeton, who is really fucking good while playing with really crappy cards. he even proved it in an episode where all he played were the weakest most useless cards that he dug out of the garbage, and still won. But he becomes overshadowed for not Defeating the Shadow Warriors or isn't the chosen one because he won a ton of fucking games by luck pulled conveniently right out of his ass like Jaden.
This Series can be more familiarized as the series of censored tits and characters just being brought in and then just dropped. If played in a marathon drinking game, and did a shot for every time a character is introduced and never focused on again, you could easily become drunk by the sheer number of various characters made only to show up once, and then a second time whenever they fucking feel like it. Because of the various themed decks that the merchandise department was trying to shell out, each character had decks with a specefic theme. All of which can be listed by face.
Skin tight nylon suited dancing women
Koalas, it is a long shot to guess why.
An entire deck built around the same three headed metal dragon
Animals named after precious stones and all parody voices of famous actors, guess who the elephant one sounds like, it is so subtle.
Clock Work Robots...I know right?
fights with curry?
Military guy uses... dinosaurs?
An Austrailian guy that uses...fossils and not austrailian monsters?
And a black guy...that shoots bullet monsters...with a gun...and is the only black guy...With a gun...
This show grew too big with it's balls of offensiveness to not only force us to see every problem somehow caused or solved by playing trading card games at a school of trading card games. They fucking had to escort a full military navy convoy complete with a battle ship for booster packs. i am not kidding. This show is really hammering it in with all these characters treating peices of mass produced card stock as dangerous as WMDs in some instances, some as valueable as gold, and some are treated like they have fucking magic powers, which they somehow do.
worth more than your life, and GOD FORBID somebody opens up and finds an ultra ghost rare Needle Worm.
So in one instance suddenly people are turning into monster cards and are picking on the school to somehow summon the three "Not" God cards which are conveniently locked in a rock at the bottom of the school, underground. Blah Blah Blah people are dying, end of the world, Jaden somehow is lucky enough to beat god cards in a children's card game, when they could have just destroyed the island and moved on to conquer the world.
If these guys were so secret, how did they make the fucking holograms to project them!
The problem ends up solved, they take away the first set of characters and bring in new characters including one who built his deck with better cards than Jaden's and still lost. but for some reason another transvestite who does not look or sound evil at all with his fangs and piercing yellow eyes.
Him? Evil? Naw!
Skip ahead, Skip ahead, blah blah blah. After they save the world a second time, the man who fucking runs the school thinks that Jaden is in trouble of getting expelled, even though he was declared the chosen one, beat everyone he has ever dueled, saved the world twice already and won duels even the best student at the school couldn't beat and somehow none of the participating teachers who watched him do all this ever thought to just let him fucking graduate.
Drunk Frat parties, Bitches dressed as Monsters, Saved the World, Showing up the Preps, Natural Talent, College Dropout. ANIMAL HOUSE!
No! the guy who is supposed to be the all wise and all knowing good guy dumbledore of the fucking card game school decides. "Instead of just doing the paper work as an eyewitness to his elite skills of drawing random cards and just graduating him so evil people can stop using him and this island as a base for their evil unholy schemes, I am going to invite a guy named Viper who i totally beleive is not evil or has any evil intentions whatsoever to my school which is the source of all the world's problems"
"I comepltely trust the judgement to let this man do what he wants to my students on this island."
Surprise! the guy is pure evil and tries to kill all the students by draining their lifeforce by having them duel each with trading cards to death.
Most Dangerous hobby known to man! look at all those kids being drained of their life energy!
He then feeds their life force to unholy blob creature that when fully awakend some how zaps the entire school into another dimension where duel monsters are real.
This is where the plot becomes unbearably complicated, drops all of the old characters and turns half of the characters including Jaden evil.
Please do not stare at my needlessly complicated villian outfit.
And so people die for the sake of Jaden, He snaps out of it, and grows the balls to luckily beat a monster card who hates Jaden for not playing her and i guess that thing is a her but i don't know, apparrantly you can even piss off imaginary girlfriends and they will try to destroy the universe because of you.
Women, just so emotionally unreasonable when it comes to love.
Hurray Jaden beats the thing out of pure fucking luck, and wham end of series with the teaser that Yugi fights Jaden to break the fourth wall with fanservice for fans who had stopped watching this alienating piece of garbage.
Besides not airing the series, as it started out of fear of traumatizing kids with it's tons of children murders done by some Carrie psycho kid who geeks over board games.
Spin the bottle had never been so terrifying.
But There have been lots of incidences in the overall show that moments of violence, sexual implications, and the overwhelming themes of killing people have been reworked into concepts such as The Shadowrealm, and Guards who use invisible guns.
The first instance of such is when Yugi's grandpa is kidnapped and what is explained as being dueled into submission i can easily explain as Kaiba hired a bunch of sunglasses thugs to beat the living shit out of an old man over a trading card that he blantantly destroys infront of him.
Christmas at Kaibas
Then there are the Invisible Guns implimented throughout the whole Pegasus and his tournament bull shit just to duel Yugi. Because at an anime convention it is the first response to arm yourself when dealing with hundreds of Little kids and adults who freaking cry over losing a damn card game. even the adults cry. Sadness is the irony of how like the fans this series is.
Sunglasses, for when thugs need to compensate for lack of budgeted weaponry.
The first several moments in the series, just to summarize the traumatizing effects of obliterating people's minds with extreme horrors. They just mention his actions as Banishing to the Shadow Realm.
That is something else, The Shadow Realm was a clever as it seemed like something valid to be a good enough mcguffin for the whole egypt magic evil spirit dimension they keep bringing up in the first season of the series. But this also becomes obviousduring the later seasons, when obvious death traps are set up but the consequences are less realisitically violent and just cassified as being stabbed, sliced, crushed, droped, or drowned straight to the Shadow Realm.
Dropped through the glass ceiling a thousand stories at terminal velocity, to the shadow realm
This plot device made things entirely too unrealistic, but anybody cleverer than a three year old can totally understand the concept of death. That if a character were to be strapped down by the ankles and special kind of magic saw blades would instead of cutting off their ankles would leave their bodies harmless where they get a timeout in an evil dimension.
But now let's get straight to the next thing that is censored and that everyone really cares about.
Would your prefer A?
Turning a syringe into a rocket.
Turning Guns into laser cannons!
removing religious icons no matter how obscure.
removing Horns, and demon wings from creatures typically named "Demon"
More erased cleavage
Naked Spell Cards!
And calling drunk monsters and characters Dizzy from very hot sauce.
When initially released all of the cards sold were directly from the actual show and used on occasion. All the super rare cards that they spoke of that are worth the lives of the very effiminate male characters were sold in the millions in starter backs and booster packs.
"There are only three Blue Eyes in the world!" Ha!
As it started out all the monster were pretty varied and had a lot different artstyles and pulled from tons of inspiration of tanks, to demonds, even a swiss army knife. While most other trading card games at the time had one focus, Pokemon, Magic's DnD lore, Marvel or DC cards. Evolved from Baseball cards in nature and actually turned into a very complicated game that most children can accomplish.
But the begginning sets of cards quite literally didn't have much to them, only a fandful of cards from those editions are still used or continued to be displayed in the anime's current iterations. As Soon as GX rolled around there were enough cards already produced that the manufacturers now started to sell already prepackaged Decks with new cards but all of them making use of the countless cards by theme alone. Starting with type or attribute, and ending with the later invented Archetypes. this however made all of the pervious cards even more useless, as you couldn't get them from old boosters anymore since all the better cards were now being mass produced in cards dedicated to strategies.
Not really an expert player if you just bought a premade deck.
Now the themes began and didn't follow any type, they were pretty much the same examples used by Jaden's "Elemental Heroes". where monsters belonged to a family of cards and had trap and spell cards associated to them. Making them pretty much rediculously powerful if it weren't for the fact that All the other archetypes were built the exact same way. The only differences being the art and what do they all do very often. Like Elemental Heroes heavily relying on fusion crap, Gladiator beasts use the deck avoiding the whole drawing monsters and shit, or drainging life points.
Early on, the Game makers created cards which were highly efficient and effective as well as super rare. But due to that element rich kids who could afford such shit would buy tons of them and load their decks with the strongest fucking cards in the game. This made playing the game easy for some, and annoying ever everybody who played those some. So eventually they created the BAN list. some kinda professional rules thing where they force kids to consider certain cards illegal to play.
Raigeki which translates to "Fuck your shit!"
Eventually as more cards came out with rediculous effects that outdid some of the old cards, the Ban list has extended or shrunk year by year. But while still keeping cards typically costing 100 bucks even more worthless since nobody had any desire to own them besides just to not use them.
But here is the basic easy guide to making a game and win no matter what.
1. Fuck Normal monsters, they were made useless by the advent of monsters having effects more useful that damn magic and trap cards initially released with all the other damn cards.
2. Read your god damn card effects, Some of this shit they write on cards serve no purpose but to make your life miserable and there are almost no other cards to compensate for them. so if any of them have redundent card effects like this...
...Don't use them, unless it literally says on the card "I will fuck that guy's shit up"
3. Load your deck up with High attack monsters, and Cards that hurt your opponent's score almost every turn.It doesn't matter what card you use, after the effects are all said and done as convoluted and expensive as some have been described, It all comes down to reducing your opponents score to zero either by Successful monster battle with a higher attack than your opponent and any additional score damage any other card can do.
4. Fuck their shit up, load up on cards that don't give you an advantage but give them all of the disadvntages. Don't play fair and make all their cards useless by having ALL of these three comepletely legal cards.
Take out Traps.
Eliminate His ability to use magic cards.
Take out his monster's effects.
Viola, All your opponent's cards are useless, and all it takes is these three already high attack monsters to destroy your opponent Before you even reduce his religious faith in the heart of the cards.
So far yet to be mentioned are the most recent series.
In GX you may have noticed from images alone that a lot of them had very varied and different duel disk hologram wrist band accessories (sold seperately). Well this had to be one upped so why not do so in the most typical of fashions.
Yugioh 5ds! (Dodge, Dip, Dive, Duck, and Dodge)
Card Games on Motorcycles.
The prospect of turning card games into anything more than a table top hobby had reached an entirely new low. Now it was being turned into a public professional athletic sport (about as athletic as nascar). Clearly teaching the kids the value of multitasking while behind the wheel of a card going faster that walking speed.
Information on this series will be updated as soon as I can stop going into spastic convulsions as my mind tries to grasp the concept of Card Games on Motorcycles.
And recently they released the newest series Yugioh Zexal which has has...
I don't understand how...?