Zombies are a hot and putrid commodity these days. While there have been plenty of lists, one area's overlooked - what your choice of weapon and the room you run in when zombies attack says about your survival.
1. Weapons, what weapon would you initially reach for; mop/broom, short grabber, shotgun, pepper spray, tennis racket, baseball bat, semi-automatic assault rifle, butcher knife, display only samurai sword, or tazer?
2. Location, where would you be during the first five minutes of attack; walk in closet, gun cabinet, bathroom, bedroom, on the computer, or kitchen?
Weapons are something to pay careful attention to. In general, there's one golden rule applicable to every weapon. Aim for the head. It doesn't matter what weapon you have, it is always the head or knees. Nothing in between matters.
Some weapons indicate a true zombie badass is in the making, while others just let you know whose names you don't have to plan on remembering. Here's what each choice says about you if you pick them.
Mop/Broom (golf club not included): If somebody picks up a mop, leave 'em. There's only one way somebody wields a mop or broom. They raise it directly over their head and samurai CHOP! (rushing in and hitting the zombie's back as it is attacking somebody not infected).
If this fragile looking guy can break a mop over his knee, any zombie can do the same no matter how rotted they are.
Let's talk about why the back is a bad target. Margie Jenners, age 64 from Washington, we are talking to you. You do not have the strength to break a zombie's back, especially with an overhead chop. You won't even succeed in giving them a herniated disc, and if you did...it's a zombie. He doesn't care if you rough him up a bit. Sore back or not, he's planning on eating your brains. So put it down, pick up a damn golf club, and we'll get our Nordigren on with the first zombie bastard we see.
Short grabber-Also known as the handicap grabber. Combine it with a lethal weapon and you can hold a zombie by the throat while you pop his cap. Plus, it's funny and a sure sign of a disturbed individual. We like where your head is at.
Useful for sexual harassment from geriatrics, grabbing the remote, reaching the top shelf, and just pissing your wife off in general.
Just remember to keep your mouth shut at that range. Nothing's worse than losing the crazy entertainment guy because zombie nose landed in his mouth.
Shotgun-if we have to explain this one, you shouldn't be using it. You're probably a primitive screwhead and should use a less threatening weapon, preferably one which doesn't go 'boom' and make you the over-reactive septuagenarian who offs one of our best zombie defense members by accidentally shooting him in the back.
Not only does Ash believe in the concept of evolution, he also doesn't mind disrupting it when a primate gets out of line..
Pepper Spray-With normal, uninfected humans pepper spray causes this:
Zombies are an entirely different subject.
Ever had the friend who squirts ketchup in his mouth and then takes a bite of a burger or hot dog? This is similar. All you do by pepper spraying a zombie in the face is make yourself taste better when he bites you.
Tennis racket-Get out. We're serious. Get out of here, take your yuppie ass air horn, and don't look back. You're the guy who gets the only kid in the group killed by panicking and trying to make a run for it, so put some blisters on those feet as quick as you can. If we still see you in thirty seconds, we're wasting a bullet on general principle.
This...WILL NOT HAPPEN, got it?
Baseball bat-Old faithful. There's two great things about the bat.
1. The concentrated shape allows for maximum impact.
2. It can be used to enforce mandatory distance the length of the bat.
Bonus: Could also be really satisfying if ¾ of your relatives were just eaten by the creepy shut-in down the street or you happen to run in to an old, dickish or bitch-ish flame who has gone zombie. Normally, you have to pay ten grand for that kind of 'therapy'.
If that don't work, just grab 'em in the biscuits. She'll simmer down.
Butcher knife-We like the enthusiasm and come and get it attitude, but you are still going to die. Close enough to stab is close enough to get bitten. Besides, you'll never top the chop heard round the world.
In the bedroom...the quiet bedroom, John Bobbitt sleeps tonight. In the kitchen...the psycho kitchen... a zombie bites his wife.
Display Only Samurai Sword-The edge is about as sharp as a butter knife. Try again, Gomer.
I can dig where you're coming from, but a zombie will still rip out your spleen.
Semi Auto Assault Rifle-We are reproducing after this, right? Just checking.
This cookie is the only time an AR 15 ain't lethal.
Tazer: This is the only exception to the 'aim for the head' rule. Tazer guns will be effective no matter where ya aim, but if you really want to maximize the impact, aim for the groin. Besides the fact that you will have just tazered a zombie in the nutella-ella-ella or peach canoe, there is a concentration of nerve endings there. If a zombie can feel pain, this is where it will be. Trust us.
That, and it's a really cool damn story to tell if you survive. "This one time...during the Zombie Apocalypse...I totally tazed a zombie in the 'nads."
The room a person runs in at the onset of a zombie attack reveals a lot about their priorities. Here are who to watch out for and those whose instincts won't get even get them out of the front door.
Walk-in Closet: Great idea being fashionable for the zombie attack. Was Tim Gunn subject zero? We doubt it. Even dead, he could out dress Liberace with more grace than an entire Russian ballet troupe. So, for the impending apocalypse make sure it's light and comfortable, not tight and camel-toe. Trust me, that's not how you want to get caught by a zombie. You don't want to go down fixing your camel toe.
Gun Cabinet: We know why you have a gun cabinet. You like having options if the situation gets horny and arises. You're a good person to know in case of Zombie Attack, kinda like the ax in the fire extinguishing kits mounted on the wall that nobody ever uses. It's just good to know you are there. But put that shit in a bag and let's go. There's no reason for you to have six guns slung over your arms, four strapped to your thighs, and one loaded and stuffed down the front of your jeans ready to shoot your cock off.
Restroom: "Just because it's the apocalypse doesn't mean I have to smell like it's the apocalypse." We actually agree with you to some extent. Ballsack, asscrack, and coochiejuice are potent enough by themselves. All three together at the same time become an unholy Trinity of watery eyes and stinging noses, not to mention a sudden yearning for chewing gum when you realize where that questionable taste at the back of your throat came from.
So, deodorant, okay. Toothbrush, absolutely. Bath gel, no problem. Really, no sarcasm, we get it. It doesn't crust up and collect hair like bar soap. Make-up? Even that we can overlook, because we can't unlook your make-up free face. We might even could have forgiven you the perfume you marinate yourself in because the perfume can be sprayed on stuffed animals, letting the scent distract the zombies when thrown.
But...really? A loofa glove? Fuckin' really?
While zombies are attacking, you're packing something you use your hands for either way? Yes, that means leave your dildo, too, you daffy damn dame! Thank God we were callous enough to let you take the perfume. Like we said, it makes you smell 'soh-kyute' and oh-so 'OVER-HERE!' tasty.
Bedroom: "I might never see this place, again! I want to take everything! Those are Wally Jr.'s first baby shoes. I had them bronzed. And that was a picture taken the night I met my husband. Over there is the lifesize sex doll I got for him while I was on the college lecture circuit, so he wouldn't get any ideas about his penis and the approved places he can stick it."
First things first, Wally JUNIOR? C'mere. Your hand has a self-slap feature. Use it, or we'll strengthen our pimp hand.
Secondly, yeah, you're right. You might never see it, again. But think of this. Why wouldn't you see this place again? Only one reason with a materialistic co-dependent such as yourself, and that's because you will be dead. So, either you live and come back to further dictate your husband's dick directions, or you die trying to haul a pair of gold-plated baby booties, five photo albums, and a lovedoll (in case you 'have a headache' around the good ol', apocalyptic campfire one evening and want to make sure your husband isn't one of the things that go hump in the night). Your choice. You got five minutes. We'll be in the car.
On the computer: You're dead. Bonus points for googling 'zombie attack' just before getting bitten, though!
And we're absolutely not kidding, because we know if you're actually googling a zombie attack, you will likely print the results out so you don't have to sit and read them. Even the fastest printer will take a few minutes to get through one hundred and forty drag -and-drop pages. Your brilliant idea of using internet technology to save yourself just got you eaten by the redneck without internet next door. Suddenly your differences don't seem all that important, do they? Not when he's sucking the bone marrow out of your big toe.
Kitchen: There's always something preventing you from completing a diet, or even getting started-always. Like two years ago when your sister eloped with the pizza guy out of the blue, then came back from Vegas and had a wedding reception catered by the company he worked for. Took you two entire months to just get back to the place you began wanting to diet at! Or the time your cousin came to visit and ate all of the salad in the house because, and you quote, "I find it really inconsiderate you didn't get anything for me to eat before I came to see you since you know I just became a vegetarian, like, last week."
Concentrate on food later, because the kitchen is one of the most frequently used rooms in the house. If Zombies have any sliver of habit left in them, this is where they'll head. And if you're worried about eating right? Shut the hell up and drop the Rocky Road. This diet will work. Trust me. If you don't stick with this diet plan (scavenging, sprinting, nomadic sex, etc!), the motivation will fucking eat you.
How's that for get up and go?