The Bourne Ultimatum

The Bourne Ultimatum was a great piece of literature. The movie was an action based blockbuster that doesn't deserve to wipe Robert Ludlums ass after he shits gold bricks filled with awesome.

The reason Ludlum's septic tank is always clogged

Just The Facts

  1. In the movie, he's a hitman whining because he can't remember anything. In the books he was a member of a secret Vietnam task force that he joined when his family was killed.
  2. In the Bourne Ultimatum book, he wasn't some buff young guy, he was fifty fucking years old and still kicked ass in the form of KGB and Carlos the fucking Jackal and the mafia.
  3. By the way, he finds out what his true identity is at the end of the first book. SPOILER ALERT!!! His name is actually David Webb and he wasn't really a hitman. He took credit for other kills to lure Carlos into the open.
  4. Jason Bourne is the literary Jack Bauer. Despite sharing initials, they both break government protocol, torture people, and blow shit right the fuck up. Except Jason balls are ten times bigger and made of fucking titanium. After surviving a shitload of suicidal Vietnam missions, he hunts down a w

50 is the new badass.

If you're reading this you probably know someone who is 50. If you're fifty or older, Congratulations, you figured out how to use the internet. When you're fifty, you'd be lucky to be able to complete a 10k marathon. Especially if you had a family and smoked. That's right, Jason Bourne was a smoker. He was like James Bond but without all the STD's and impractical gadgets.

007 Could never figure this one out

How many 50 year old do you know that can simultaneously take on the mob, the KGB, and the world's best hitman?

The Exception that proves the rule

How to kill an enemy in the most ridiculous yet awesome way.

Imagine you had a mortal enemy who killed your brother, threatened your family, has tried to kill you and everyone you work with several times. You have to take some special care in killing someone like that. Shooting him in the head isn't enough.

wn-cs-TIGER.jpg tiger gun image by kaliloo

Even this isn't crazy enough

In true espionage fashion, Bourne tracks him to the KGB training ground and after something resembling that funhouse scene from The Man with the Golden Gun, tricks him into entering an escape tunnel. Bourne then sets off a security protocol causing bulletproof glass to come down on both sides of the tunnel while it fills with water. Jason Bourne watches the guy drown in a tunnel while pounding on the glass giving him a death leer.

Warning: Brass balls are contagious

Have you ever met someone so badass that just being near them made you yearn to kill a terrorist with a toothpick? If you ever meet Jason Bourne, you'll know what that's like. (You won't. However, if you turn off the lights and say his name into a mirror three times, a bullet wound appears in your head.)

Jason has so much badass that he can't contain it in his mortal body. His badass rubbed off on everyone. His psychologist was kidnapped by the mafia. He distracted the goon who was holding him hostage in a speeding car and made them crash at high speeds. His wife escapes government protection and has her own crazy sidestory. In other words, he's got metal gonads that oxidize all the others around it.

Statue of Liberty

She knows what I'm talking about