Newton's Law Of Relationship Lists

No list is complete without it's gender opposite. If you think the original list applies to you, try dating men with much shorter spines. If he can suck his own dick, he'll have no problem sucking yours.

I'm not sexist. I just hate shitty advice.

Just The Facts

  1. Cosmo, Glamour, and Allure boast a combined circulation of over 6 million readers.
  2. There are approximately 90 women's magazines currently published on a wide scale.
  3. The majority of relationship columnists are women, while the majority of Op-Ed columnists are men.

11 Things a Good Boyfriend Won't Ask You To Do

Original Article By dating editor Denise Ngo for

Italicized and rebutted by Brittni Hill

We've all been in relationships where, at times, we've felt more like a mom or a secretary than a significant other. While we understand that healthy relationships require compromises, we've compiled a list of favors that good boyfriends know better than to consistently request. If you're constantly taking on any of the items on this list (especially with any hint of resentment), it's time to get your guy to lend a hand.

All right. You paid for this five minutes of your life by wasting it here, so let's get this whore on the bed. If you've felt like a secretary or mother in a relationship, it's because you dated Momma's Boys and Bosses, Pumpkin. Tip of the day, don't fuck either one. Problem solved, and one of 'em doesn't make you the office sleaze hated by all your female co-workers. It's like a bonus for not sticking the South in your mouth.

1. His Laundry

Pairing your socks isn't exactly our idea of a stay-at-home date, nor does living with you make us a 1950s housewife. A good compromise is for one partner to sort and start the laundry and the other to fold and put it away. Plus, studies show that helping around the house can increase intimacy. So, how 'bout that pile of dishes? If you clean up the sink while we tackle the living room, we'll be more likely to cuddle.

Let's get this straight. Your idea of equal housework is us doing the dishes while you straighten a few sofa cushions? Bull butter. Sounds like a creative way of being as lazy as possible. Since you're so put out about sticking some clothes in a machine which does all the work for you, check out our addition to this list. It's a whopper.

1. Her car
We're not going to change your oil or your tires. Spending half the day underneath your car after you've driven it 10,000 miles past the point of when you should've had your oil changed isn't exactly our idea of, "Sure, honey. No problem.", nor does living with you make us your mechanic. Take a class at the community college. We're more than a set of lugnuts.

2. Buy gifts and cards for other people on his behalf

We'll help when we're out with you, but no, we won't make a pit stop at Hallmark and Laura Ashley while we're shopping with the girls. Just because we're women doesn't mean we're automatically adept at figuring out your Aunt Martha's dress size.

Okay, you're out anyways and you drive right past Wal-Mart on your way home from Macy's. Asking you to pick up a card has nothing to do with you having a vagina. We've bought cards for you before and we're pretty sure we had our penises with us that day. We asked because it's convenient, just like when you ask us to pick up tampons on our way home from work. Speaking of:

2. Her Period
Don't expect us to go buy you tampons or pads. You're a big girl, and you've been getting your period for a decade or more. We'd say that's enough time for you to damn well know how to plan ahead. If not, get your tubes tied and we can kill two birds with one knot. Just because we spend a lot of time down there doesn't mean we are automatically adept at knowing how to cork it for eight hours or understand why you complain when we come back with cardboard applicators.

3. Plan an entire vacation without his help

When we ask you whether you'd rather spend our anniversary in Cabo or Vermont, we want you to express an actual preference, not to say, "Whatever, I'm happy with what makes you happy." The same goes for the hotel, the airline, and the restaurant reservations. Letting us take the reins isn't considerate, it's just lazy and boring. Instead, make sure to divvy up the planning. We pick the location and hotel, you plan the activities.

So, you pick a Hilton in Jamaica and we have to plan six fucking days? Since when is compromising a Ponzi scheme? If we do all of the actual work, guess what? It ain't a fuckin' vacation; it's a six day spa all about you. Speaking of all about you:

3. Spend an entire vacation together without her complaining

If you think you look fat in a swimsuit, don't wear it. We're not your 'girls'. We won't tell you if your ass looks like it has a double chin, because we still want to get laid when we get back to the room. The same goes for restaurant attire and travel wear. Asking us to tell you something negative is a really immature way of fishing for compliments, not to mention being annoying as hell. Instead, pick the outfits you like most and leave it at that; you've worn each at least twenty times. You damn well know how you look in each one. You didn't board the cruise ship and gain five pounds per butt cheek, so the real villain here is just your damn insecurity. Curb it. We're on vacation, damn it.

4. Make him a sandwich

The refrigerator is 10 feet away and your game control has a pause button, so get up, stretch, and slap that ham and lettuce together by yourself. We don't care if you're "in the zone," because apparently, you were out of it long enough to articulate your immediate need for a nibble. Maybe we'll consider it if you agree to break from the game for 20 minutes, put on some coffee, and enjoy your afternoon snack with us.

You can't answer the door to grab the pizza because you're wearing a green face mask, which frankly scares the shit out of us. We're not kidding. We've had nightmares about it. And you can't fix your own plate at dinner because you just painted your toenails. You had the foresight not to paint your fingernails, though. You also need salad dressing, more tea, and a butter knife, none of which you let us know about at the same time.

Get this, "Anything else?" means we're not moving our ass once it hits the chair, so speak now or get the fuck up and get it yourself. Capeechi? And while we're on the subject of food:

4. Fix her a steak

We weren't born with thermometers up our asses. Manning the grill might be something we enjoy, but fixing your well-done charcoal steak is NOT. We don't care if you hate seeing a little pink in the center because it makes you sad the animal died; apparently you're not sad enough not to eat the furry lil' bastard. Just like there's no such thing as being a little bit pregnant, there's no such thing as being extra dead. Maybe we'll consider making your meat atrocity if you agree to at least try a medium cooked steak - with no ketchup, you blasphemous hooker - and still prefer the old charcoal version. At least then you'll actually have a foundation to back up that opinion.

5. Change your relationship status on Facebook

We believe our life outside of the Internet should speak for itself. On the off-chance that we break up, wouldn't you rather tell your close friends in person, rather than have that ever-present broken heart appear on 500 people's newsfeeds? Well, we would, so don't even ask us to include our relationship status on Facebook in the first place.

Right...because we're the ones changing our statuses fifty times a day in a Facebook feed, accruing comments like, 'Ohs noes! Wht happn?' and 'Ack! Did you guys break up?' While we're on the subject of sharing too much:

5. Our relationship
When your friends can give a better historical timeline of our relationship than we can, there's a problem. There should be two people in this damn argument, not three--you, me, and your 'bestie'.

6. Be his wake-up call

Really, buy an alarm clock. Remembering a man's nap and wakeup schedule should be an occasional favor, not an everyday obligation.

We asked you to push a button, not forgo sleep for eight hours to get us out the door on time. Did you ever consider you rolling over in the morning and kissing us on the cheek to wake us up made our day better? No, you were too preoccupied whining about pushing a button on a clock, when what you should have been worried about was:

6. Speaking of Clocks
Next time you're taking your merry-ass time getting dressed and you come in to the living room only to realize you made us over forty-five minutes late without us reminding you of the time, let us know how the whining over setting an alarm tastes. We bet it'll be nice and bitter.

7. Take care of his drunk friends

We'll help them hail cabs or drive them home, but our couch really shouldn't be a post-happy-hour crash pad.

If you want to wake Tommy up and take him home, go ahead. Just make sure to duck, because after he grubs his nuts he punches whoever does the waking. While you're taking care of that we'll hit you with this:

7. Put up your Bestie

Every time your best friend's relationship hits the skids, she packs up her vagina and marches it over to our house to sit on the couch and cry because her latest discostick hasn't answered the last text she sent. If we can't have a drunk buddy over when they're in town, you can't have a future spinster getting bitter tears and ice cream all over our couch. The couch is holy, like bacon, and will be treated as such.

8. Hang out with his ex

Some women like befriending the ex, and others just want to satisfy their curiosity about her, but don't pressure the ones who would rather keep a distance.

This is a two way street, Princess. Just because your 'first love' is single and has spare time doesn't mean we want to go out drinking with him. That's just a recipe for a night in jail. And while you're talking about buddying up to people, consider this:

8. Stand-In
Being friends with your mother is one thing. Taking her to her tanning appointment so you can go shopping ain't friggin' happening, so don't ask. I wouldn't ask you to take my own Pop to get his nuts waxed. There are just some lines you don't cross, and your mom being naked while we sit in a waiting room is one of them.

9. Keep up with his favorite shows

How would you like it if we made you religiously watch Desperate Housewives? Instead, let's pick a show we both like and make sure we follow it together.

You DO make us watch Desperate Housewives, not to mention Ugly Betty, American Idol, and the Real Housewives of Slut County. For someone who doesn't want to be put in the same box as a 1950's housewife, you sure do watch a lot of shows about them. But while we're on the subject, let's chat about your movies:

9. My shows=your movies
Dragging us to romantic comedies ends here and now until you realize, or learn to tolerate, the awesomeness of Future Weapons, Spike TV, and Deadliest Warriors. Those shows last thirty minutes to an hour, yet every time Sandra Bullock or Kate Hudson sucks face in a theater, you pout to make us give in. And in public, no less.

10. Lose weight

We'll tone up for health purposes and for ourselves, but if you're really concerned about the 5 lbs we gained over the holidays, don't flat-out complain that we're getting flabby. Instead, invite us to go biking with you or to take a yoga class together. Treat exercise as a fun activity we can do together instead of something that we should do just for you.

Yoga, fun, yeah, that'll happen. Here's an idea. Put out more. That's exercise we both enjoy, whereas yoga is just another of the manipulations you use on us to brag to your friends.

"Downward dog? No! He really-?"

"Yes, in a leotard!"

Well, there had to be a 'tard here somewhere, and it's not us in spandex. Even if we had a 'giner we'd still have more balls than your instructor Hans who, by the way, has a distinctive 'Two Guys, One Cup' feel to him.

The only men who notice five pounds are the kind you shop with, and we don't fit that bill. But, keeping with the theme, let's talk about our own appearance on dates:

10. Appearance
"You're not wearing that to dinner, are you?" Yes. Yes, the fuck, we are.

11. Keep our hair long

Trust us, short hair is cute, fun, and just as feminine as back-length hair. Just look at Halle Berry, Audrey Tautou and Keira Knightley, circa 2005. It's not as if we're going to shave it off or sport one of Rihanna's hairstyles, but even if we did, we hope you'd find us just as attractive.

Doesn't matter how many adjectives you use, we still don't know who the fuck Audrey Tautou is. We got together when your hair was long because we liked it long. It doesn't mean we're going to sit you on the curb, but don't get pissy if we preferred it long. Oh yeah, one last thing:

11. Facial hair
Learn to love it. It's not going anywhere. Just look at Stone Cold, Robert Downey Jr, or WhoTheHell from Grey's Anatomy. It's not as if we're going to shave it off or sport one of Ice Cubes earliest renditions, but even if we did, we hope you'd find us just as attractive.