How Not To Win The Craption Contest

Hi there, my name is Brayan Catano, and this is the story of my amazing quest to finally win the Craption contest, to redeem my family's name, honor and to some how impress anyone.

*Eye of the tiger slowly gets louder and louder**

Just The Facts

  1. If you enter your craption after 10 minutes the chances of you winning are basically none existing.
  2. The best craption almost never wins.
  3. People create various accounts giving them an unfair advantage

Chapter one:

It was a typical morning at the office, were I found myself hungry for knowledge, culture, important news and facts of life. So I decided to use this new trend of Googling stuff, although I did find what I was looking for, it was too boring for my juvenile and sick sense of humor. It was somehow missing a special ingredient. I decided to take a brake from the web, and went to use the restroom, as soon as I unleashed, I begun to read all of the folk knowledge that society immortalizes on restroom walls. It all came to me...

"Eureka! also I've seem to have been peeing on the toilet paper this whole time"

That's it! it's so clear now, "penis jokes!", so I rushed over to my desk without any hesitation or hygiene, sat down on my desk and then proceeded to pull my underwear and pants up. I consider myself a logical man, that is why i searched for "Knowledge is power!, also dick jokes" on Google. After 23.000 gay sites in 0.53 seconds, and very judgmental co-workers, I stumble upon

Chapter two: The new "Craption Contest"

I found myself in the main page browsing through everything that Cracked had to offer, and so far I was not impressed. I notice a cat-related article on the main page, I don't know why anyone would find that entertaining. I was about to click on the boobs section, when a catchy colorful sign with the word "new" written above a "Craptions" button "It's my lucky day" I said to myself, I mean how often do you stumble into new stuff, I was part of the very few exclusive people that had ever seen it. Through sever research I found that the "new" sign had been there for more than 3 years, nevertheless I was determined to click it, disappointed, but determined.

*very optimistic click*

It seemed to be some sort of contest, were the contestants were given a specific image, in order to comment on it, and vote for the best caption, but that was just my wild guess. So I registered and submited my comment. I left it alone and decided it was time for lunch, five and half hours later I went back to check on my comment. It turns out that people don't buy the whole "Vote for me or fuck you" thing as funny.

Chapter three: The Countdown

The next morning I decided that i was going to walk into the office with a big and proud undeserved sense of accomplishment and win the goddamn contest. I notice that i had eight minutes until the next craption, lucky for me I always carry a copy of the The Final Countdown with me.

"Never leave home without it"

Also I had stayed up till 2 a.m working on my strategy, and found out that the F5 key refreshes any site, after Googling "What the fuck is the F5 key?" I had everything i needed to win.

"Wati for it, wait for it..."

The new image had appeared, and I was ready. It took me about five seconds to come up with something clever and totally offensive to everyone. I was falling behind and clearly was not gonna this, so I decided to take a brake and meditate for while.

"Eureka! also why is toilet paper wet?"

All i had to do, was to come up with enough accounts to destroy everyone in front of me. Again I rushed to my desk, and you might ask "did you pull your pants up before rushing out?" well I was ahead of you because I wasn't wearing any pants. So I sat down and started creating usernames, and so my journey to find every different word for "penis" had begun.

After 27 accounts I was in the lead, No one could ever come close to defeat me. I had found a glitch on the system, even though I had stop working for two days straight and cost the company more than 20,000 dollars in debt. I was finally about to win! until...