The Black Eyed Peas

When they are not busy repeating nonsensical mantras, the Black Eyed Peas spend their time producing vastly overwrought hip-hop rap-pop pap. Where't the love y'all? I don't know. But here's the truth y'all about the BEP.

Just The Facts

  1. The Black Eyed Peas are named after the Legume Vigna Unguiculata Unguiculata. Unlike the band they are nitrogen-fixing, nutritious, and rich in calcium.
  2. The band consists of Will.I.Am, Apl.De.Ap, Taboo and Fergie - Four big names in the argument for increasing adult literacy.
  3. If you took the income generated from the 8 Milion unit selling "Elephunk", you would have enough to buy a big fucking house, leave the music industry indefinitely, and still have enough money leftover to eradicate third world debt.
  4. Not that anyone in the BEP has to do this, we're just saying is all...

Question: What do you call a dog with three dicks?

Answer: Not the Black Eyed Peas.

The band had many permutations up until its breakthrough in 2002, when Stacey "Fergie" Ferguson joined the band. Aside from this, Fergie is no dog. How many dogs do you know with titties like that, and a history of dabbling in Crystal Meth?

Apl.De.App doesn't know any.

A Short History of Black Eyed Peas Lyrics

The Singles 2000-2009

Ask anyone in the street and they will tell you that their favourite aspect of any BEP song is the words. They are so much fun. 8 Million flies can't be wrong, however 8 million flies eat shit.

Request Line - BEP featuring Macy Gray - 2000

The Skinny: Really quite chilled out song featuring giant lady with the voice of a copulating tortoise requesting a record by her favourite band. This never got too far of the ground due the the lack of Fergie, she of hooter and belting voice.

Sample Lyric: get ma rock get ma roll get ma hip-hop on / And (I'm dancin) all day all night / Gimme some inside, make me feel hot inside.

Cracked recommends that if you feel hot inside, go and see a doctor, as you may have a urinary tract infection.

Obligatory Nonsense: Call up the re-quest line / Nana nana nananana na na nana nana

This is the sound a telephone makes when you ring up a request line.

Black-Eyed-Peas-ativity: 3/10

Where is the love? - BEP Featuring Justin Timberlake - 2003

The Skinny: BEP teamed up with then flavour du jour , Justin Timberlake, in order to spread a message about the love, or lack thereof. There was no cynical attempt to piggyback off another's fame here whatsoever. This is also notable for being the first single to feature Fergie, she of rack and the high NRG dance.

Sample Lyric: Most of us only care about money makin' / Selfishness got us followin' our wrong direction.

But not the 8 Million Selling Black Eyed Peas, who are tireless benefactors.

Obligatory Nonsense: Something's wrong wit the wo-wo-world, yeah / We only got
(One world, one world)

We've only got one world, and yet we can't find the love. That's a bit fucking clumsy. Where was the last place you saw it?

BEP-Ativity: It's the song that got them anywhere in the first place. Just for that, it gets a mark down of 98 phunking points. -94/10

Hey Mama - BEP - 2004

The Skinny: BEP get oedipal (possibly) in a song where the listener imagines that they are LITERALLY chatting up some Mama in the club. This is hardly the preserve of rappers, and it can only be thought that BEP deserve some kind of award for originality.

Sample Lyric: It never quits/ we need to carry 9mm clips/ Don't wanna squize trigger, just wanna squize tits.

If you don't want to squeeze triggers, dont carry a fucking gun around. There may be the right to bear arms, but bare breasts are a privilege. Guns shouldn't come into it.

Obligatory Nonsense: "Lubaluba" , "Yaw" ,"La la la la la"

For Shame.

Black-Eyed-Peas-ativity: 7/10 - Classic bungmouthed claptrap.

Lets Get Retarded - BEP - 2004

The Skinny: A song that, if taken literally, implores us to become metally handicapped in some way.
This song was re-edited to "lets get it started" when it became the theme for the 2004 NBA playoffs, however it would be more appropriate as the theme to the NFL, where players are rendered pysically and mentally handicapped 8 times more than any other commercial sporting league.

Sample Lyric: You all test this drill, Just and bang your spine. (Just)
Bob your head like epilepsy, up inside your club or in your Bentley.

This song makes an arch statement on the all too common occurence of people faking illness in order to claim benefits, and using the money to buy expensive cars. This is searing social commentary from those Black Eyed Peas.

Obligatory Nonsense: cookoo, in here...ow, ow, ow...
ya, ya, ya, ya, ya, ya, ya, ya, ya, ya, ya...

Searing. Social. Commentary.

BEP-Ativity ; A song that must have a special place in the heart of BEP's fanbase in spite of the fact most
of them already are, this tune scores a perfect 10/10

Don't Phunk With My Heart - BEP - 2005

The Skinny: Fergie begs a paramour/significant other to avoid Phunking with her heart. This amazingly witty bowldlerisation permeates the entire song, and leaves you feeling like your ears have been phunked with a clawhammer.

Sample Lyric: My love for you is not iffy / I always want you with me / I'll play Bobby and you'll play Whitney

When you love a woman enough, you want to allegedly strike her while shouting epithets. There's nothing iffy about that.

Obligatory Nonsense: That-tha, that tha, that-tha, that girl ...

Some unecessary looping and overlaying makes the song sound nearly decent, but only if you are an ecstasy casualty from the hayday of rave.

BEP-ativity: 9/10

Don't Lie - BEP - 2005

The Skinny: A delightful summery groove with added scratching and vocal samples, and an uncharacteristically relaxed vocal turn from Fergie, who usually puts the Dance into Meth Dependance

Sample Lyric/ Obligatory nonsense: No no no babe, no, no, no, no don't lie
Because you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, gotta try Ooh ooh ooh, ooh ooh ooh ooh
Ba da ba da ba da ba da badabada -

In this song, the lyrics and obligatory nonsense are pretty much inseparable. The juxtaposition of the words No & Yes was an inspired choice from the lyricist. Well done.

BEP-Ativity: 8/10

Boom Boom Pow - BEP 2009

The Skinny: Futuristic in the extreme, this song couldn't be more clairvoyant if it drove into your living room in a Delorean, administered itself to you in pill form, and predicted the second coming.

Sample Lyric: I'm so three thousand and eight / You so two thousand and late -

BEP protect themselves against 1000 years of obsolecense, just in case they are still touring when the time comes around

Obligatory Nonsense:I'm a beast when you turn me on / Into the future cybertron

They have the lingo down. Could this mean they really will be with us for the next thousand years? The only thing that could confirm this is by putting loads of robot sound effects and vocoder type arrangement on an already baroque piece of shit song.

BEP-ativity: 8/10 - a brave new world for the Black Eyed Peas.

So there you have it, an epic journey from the search for love to the post apocalyptic world of tomorrow, where love only exists in a digital form and the robotic trees cry digital tears as the heavy beats boom boom pow around them.

The E.N.D - The Future of The Black Eyed Peas

Will.I.Am confirmed that the title "The E.N.D" was not referring to the fact it was the last Black Eyed Peas Album. Instead, it is an acronym for "The Energy Never Dies."

This acronym went through many rough drafts. Here are 10 of the best:

The Execrable National Dish

Named after Will.I.Am visited the Czech Republic and ate Borscht.

The End Nudity Debate

Taboo wanted it to stop. Apl.De.App wanted it to keep going.

The Egyptians Never Disinform

A code phrase spoken to Fergie on one of her many international espionage excursions.

The Erect Newt Dispenser

A freaky machine Will keeps in his room to please the ladies.

The Evil Ninja Dojo

Where Taboo learned all his Fighting Skills

The Extremely Nubile Dowager

What BEP put on the advert when there was a vacancy for a female signer in the band

The Eagle's Nobbly Dick

A symbol of patriotism for all america.

The Epididymis Needs Disinfectant

Just some shit Taboo heard someone say on House this one time.

The Extraneous Nipple Detector

Every dressing room needs one

The Enormous New Dildo