An Interview With Gary Busey

Just last week I was lucky enough to have gotten an exclusive interview with famed actor Gary Busey, how I managed this is none of your business and also I've forced myself to forget the horrible things I had to do, I actually had to exorcise my phon

Just The Facts

  1. Gary Busey Is Great
  2. He's wonderful
  3. He's a beautiful man

The Interview

The Lonely Martian: Hello Mr Busey it's a pleasure to finally meet you face to face
Gary Busey: Gabba gobbledy goobity

TLM: I'm sorry what?
GB: Sorry, just had some food in my teeth. *plucks what looks like the tail of a lizard from his mouth and throws it on the floor* Alright, now I am ready

TLM: Alright... well my first question is, what made you such a prolific actor?
GB: Well I'd say it's mostly down to all the lizards I eat, both poisonous and non, and also the fact that my acting coach, Numsfy here beside me, *points to a cardboard cut out of himself* taught me all the ins and outs of acting, ain't that right Numsfy? *looks at cutout and nods his head like he was getting the response he expected*

TLM: Wonderful.... Moving on, do you get annoyed by people making fun of your appearance much?
GB: Not particularly. If you think about it, if this was Busey world, patent pending, then I would be the handsome one and everyone else would be ugly, then who would be King Handsome sitting on his throne of beauty? Gary Busey that's who! GODDAMN GARY BUSEY!

TLM: Frightening! On to a less emotion provoking topic, when did oyu first realise you wanted to go into acting?
GB: I'd say it was when I was about 3 years old when I put on a fully performed adaption of Hamlet for my at-the-time-mother where I played all the parts including the stage props. She said I was wonderful and I've been in acting my whole life since.

TLM: You say 'at-the-time-mother' as if you went on to a different mother at a later period
GB: Of course, we Buseys are constantly changing mothers depending on our body heat at the time, I'd say I've had about 56 different mothers now.

TLM: And is this pre-arranged with the women you adopt as your mother?
GB: Of course not, if they knew then where would the surprise come from of them haivng a new son to look after and care for.

TLM: And what happens when you move on to another mother?
GB: I eat the previous one

TLM: You... eat them? You say this as if it's something normal!
GB: Of course it is, it's natural.

TLM: And oyu've never been arrested for murder and/or cannibalism
GB: The police and I have an understanding. I continue to make great movies like Point Break and they let me eat all the women I like.

TLM: But... you haven't made a movie in years
GB: What the fuck are you talking about, I make about ten movies every year. Gary Busey. In fact I'm filming Point Break 4: The Zombie Presidents right now and Numsfy here has a starring role. Gary Busey.

TLM: Alright, I'll take your word for it
GB: Goddamn right you'll take my word for it, just take a look at all the oscars I've won *He turns to point at a shelf heaving under the weight of what looks like tiny gold statuettes in his likeness*

TLM: Ahem... eh... wow Mr Busey that's amazing. What categories did you win them in?
GB: They're mostly best actos but a couple are for best kisser as well. That's a category they made up for me because of my great kissing abilities

TLM: Alright Mr Busey, this was a wonderful interview, thank you so much for your time
GB: No problem, anything for my fans. *Looks over at the cutout* What's that Numsfy? Really? *Turns back* Well, it sems Numsfy has taken quite a shine to you, he wants a goodbye kiss.

TLM: No, no, that's not something I do at interviews
GB: You will kiss him or I will eat you!

And so followed the worst 15 minutes of my life where I made out with a cut out in the likeness of Gary Busey who stood watching me the whole time and rubbing his nipples.

That's it for this week's installment of 'An Interview With A Star..."