Teen Mom

The following is a detailed account of my experiences with the kind and gracious cast of "Teen Mom- Season 3". After recieving their invitation, I immediately flew out to meet them.

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Just The Facts

  1. Teen Mom is a show about what the title says it's about.
  2. Two season were aired, this column is a sneak peak at season 3.
  3. 3.6 million people watched the pilot episode.

Day 1- Meeting the Cast

As I stepped off the my plane and into the cast of Teen Mom 3, I began for the first time to doubt my decision to join the show. For one, I am a red meat eating, pie-fucking male. Not to mention I'm 23 years old. But in those 23 years I've learned one thing and one thing only: Stereotypes are meant to be broken. Tiger Woods proved you don't have to be white to win the Masters, Kevin Federline proved you dont have to be attractive or even mediocrely hygenic to spank a pop idol with a sausage paddle, and G.J. Mac's here to prove you dont have to be a woman or a even a teen to be a teen mom. Yeah, I hear you Malcom X. Message recieved and confirmed. I'm gonna rock this bitch to pieces.

My first contact with the cast is outside the mansion I've rented for the show.(Sidenote- I figure if I'm going to be on a show with sexually active teen girls I may as well have enough rooms to lock away the ugly ones.) The first TeeMo I meet is Alexis. "Welcome to Teen Mom! We are so glad to have a male perspective on this show for the new season! Please come in! Myspace.com!"

And immediately we are off to a rough start, as my penis throws up its breakfast at the sight. Where on God's green earth is there enough alcohol to make this situation happen? Who could have possibly knocked up this ogre? Why am I speaking aloud? The sight of her shocked tears and waddling run away from me cheers me considerably, however. The rest of the cast greets me inside with stunned faces. "Who's the leader of this stable?" I ask, taking a long pull from my flask. A tall, slender girl pipes up. "Uhh, I'm Janae. I was here first this morning so I'll introduce everyone else I guess. This is Natalie and this is Rachel," pointing them out as she spoke. Natalie was definately the best looking one of the bunch, so I made a mental note to find out which room she was staying in. For protection services of course. And sex. If I was going to be here a week I damn sure wasn't going to keep the boys under lock and key. "It's the big room on the second floor, and if I even see you on the second floor, I'm calling the cops," she said with the cutest little snarl I've ever seen. Damn me and my lack of brain-mouth control. This might be a long week.

Day Two- Mistakes are made

I awoke the next morning at the crack of 11:30, fresh and eager to start the day. The house was silent and the pool was vacant, so I called Natalie. "How'd you get this number pervo?" A legitimate question. I definately hadn't stolen her phone the previous evening and texted myself all of her photos, that's for sure. "That's neither here nor there," I answered dismissively. "Why am I the only one here?" She seemed a little taken back by the question. "Well, we all have school today, except for Alexis. No one's seen her since yesterday afternoon. Did you do something with her?" I sighed wearily at the question. "Of course I didn't," said I, feigning indignation and trying to remember which one she was. "The fat one, right?" The click and dial tone told me that I may have said something wrong, but I'm not a whoreologist and I can't waste my time trying to read between the lines. The doorbell chimed at that moment. It was the Teen Mom producer. "We brought you your baby for the week! His name is Jeremy, but you can rename him if you'd like, although I wouldn't recommend it," she cautioned. This bitch was already getting on my nerves. The baby didn't look too happy, and he smelled terrible. Probably one of those Mexican babies. Fuck that. I'll be damned if my baby's growing up lazy and mustached. These private thoughts were probably what distracted me from the vase the cameraman hurled at me. His aim was true and the open sign in my brain flipped to Vacant.

Day 4- Being A Teen Mom Sucks

I woke up a couple days later, head pounding and little Juan Pablo crying beside me. I took a deep drink from my now nearly empty flask and passed it to the baby. He knew what to do. He immediately quit crying and pounded the rest of the sweet liquid. Rachel came into the room and gasped. "Did you just give that baby alcohol? You are supposed to be his father for the week!" Juan Pablo and I groaned at the sound of her . "Oh my God it's surprising you've stayed single! You could probably fuck up a wet dream with that voice," I yelled while simultaneously pissing myself. She gave me a look that could melt steel, or perhaps really hard plastic. "Well he's your responsibility now so dont fuck it up," she shrieked, her voice breaking the glass out of the pictures of me I'd painstakingly left around the house. "I wouldn't even given you a baby after you insulted that poor Hispanic camera guy! And WHERE"S ALEXIS?" She stormed off. When the hell had I... Oh. That's right. Well shit. And I honestly couldn't give one fuck less where Tons O'Fun had jiggled off to. I needed a drink. I strapped Juan Pablo to my chest with a belt and we were off on our first day of teenmomhood.

The night got a little out of hand. The strip club security tape really sums it up nicely though: Me drinking wildly. Juan Pablo doing body shots. Me snorting coke off a hooker's ass. Juan Pablo fighting a frat boy. Me belting out a perfect rendition of The Bangles "Manic Monday" onstage while onlookers urged me to "take it off". Juan Pablo dragging me to the car and driving us back home at 3AM as I flashed my ass at passing motorists. An average night for me, and for him also, I'd assume. Nobody parties like babies, that's what Pappy used to say. No, wait, it was "Get the fuck out of the bedroom when I'm nailing your mother before I come over there and dick whip you." Yeah, that was it.

Day 6- The End of An Era

I awoke outside Natalie's door. I could hear her muffled sobs through the wood, so I knew we'd had sex last night. Yeah. Score one for the home team. Only my dick brings those kinds of tears to a woman's face. I tell myself they are happy tears. That thought keeps me happy. That thought and low grade heroin. Anyway, I went in search of Juan Pablo. I found him at the pool, sipping a margarita. I figured I may as well break the news to him now. "I've really enjoyed being your father the last few days, Juan Pablo," I started. "But I hate kids." I finished. He looked at me sadly, then extended one tiny hand. I shook it, knowing that I'd probably not remember him tommorrow. "I'm glad you are taking this well, buddy. Looks like you've got it on cruise control anyway here. Here's a few condoms and $20. Peace bro."

I said goodbye to the girls as a group. Except Natalie, who was still crying. And Alexis, whose body they found in an upstairs bathtub two days ago. Apparantly after talking to me she got the urge for a hot bath and some toast. Silly girl didn't even have bread in the toaster. I'll remember her fat ass fondly. As I walked back out to the limo that would take me back to my normal non- Teen Mom life, I turned towards the house, remembered the words of my father and smiled. "God Bless America," I whispered, and got in.