Presidential Decisions are the months-long affairs America must suffer through to decide who'll be less terrible for the country.
Once you're nominated for the Presidential bid by your party, you have to choose who's going to be your
Vice President. Being the VP is a butt-clenchingly cool job, considering all you have to do is cast a tie-
breaking vote in the Senate and keep the President from spontaneously combusting. Seeing as how
these things are really never necessary, the VP really just gets paid to masturbate and play video games.
In the last election, voters had to pick between Republican candidate Sarah Palin and Democrat Joe
Biden, which was a like choosing between a toothepaste omelette and a sandwich full of fingernail
clippings. Sure, we knew we were doomed either way, but the ride down was a lot of fun.
This is where all the fun happens. You're pretty much given the green light to say whatever you want to
about your opponent, like "he's a filthy communist Muslim terrorist monster hellbent on destroying America
from within" or the favorite "he's a bigoted, white-supremecist neo-nazi klansman who's only reason for
sporting white skin is his absolute, unmitigated loathing of those with darker skin tones." Needless to say,
its an absolute blast writing up all your
comedic material bullet points with your campaign staff. The rest
of the time is usually spent on the campaign bus, travelling to population centers and holding rallies.
This is where we really get in the know regarding the other guy's recent love affairs with Satan and
Al-Queda and where we hear all the stories from the various women he's raped and tortured in his
underground dungeon, financed by stolen taxpayer's dollars. He also hates children.
Campaign ads are a hilarious staple of any political match-up - they can either use careful editing to fit an
unflattering picture of your opponent to a quote of his taken blatantly out of context, or you can show
photographs of yourslef in a cape, pushing meteors away from earth with your gigantic testicles and
feeding Ramen noodles to starving children. Its all up to you. (Actually its not - its up to your campaign staff.
They just use you to say "I'm [insert name], and I approve this message," which varies in degrees of
self-destruction depending on how ridiculous the ad was).
The media is both your best friend and your worst enemy. Say you're a Democratic candidate running for
the White House. If you so much as loosen your tie, Fox News will hold a special on how you're not taking
the country seriously and that because you didn't explain why it wasn't tied properly, they're forced to
assume it was loosened while you were off bludgeoning orphans with a tire iron and forcing elderly
people to listen as you scrub down a chalk board with the edge of a ruler. Its the only sensible explanation.
If you're a Republican and a black person decides not to go to your rally, you can expect MSNBC to point
out that the only reason he decided to attend his daughter's birthday party rather than your rally is because
you are a hatemongering bigot and that you spout all sorts of nasty racial slurs at blacks and Hispanics.
You're also planning on taking over Mexico with an all-white army of pitchfork-wielding Baptists, who will
stop the march only to hunt down homosexuals and atheists and burn them at the stake. So make sure
there are black people at your events.
Oh, yeah. Then there are these two.
The polls are how you judge your popularity among certain demographics during the campaign. If your
approval rating with blacks is low, have tea with Al Sharpton. If its low among Hispanics, well, that's tough
because we're not sure exactly what to do with that one. A taco joke would just be lame. If its low among
whites, talk about wall street or Nascar until you've got them masturbating into the palm of your hand.
Polls are a great way to check your status with the nation at any given time.
You'll be making a lot of these, my friend. Emphasize your strengths and omit your weaknesses. Be
articulate. Keep your chin up. If at all possible, be young and dashing while you do so. Also, keep a backup
sheet in case the teleprompter shuts down.
For many people, watching your guy lose is like watching World War 3 unfold. This new guy is gonna
bankrupt the country, eradicate what resources we have left, and then hunt down and kill everybody
who didn't cast a ballot for him. You might as well just accept the facts. Hug your children, call your
parents to say "I love you," then take your family down to the basement where you the shotgun and
the stockpile of canned sloppy joes, and try to wait out the appocalypse as long as you can. Good luck.
Actually, statistics show that there was no nuclear holocaust following the Obama victory. We just
checked. Or following the Bush ones, or the Clinton ones. Still, though. The next guy is gonna get us
OHMYGOD!!!!!!!!!!! HE WONHEWONHEWONHEWONHEWON!!!!!!!! ALL OUR PROBLEMS ARE OVER!!
..........We'll just let you have your fun and let reality hit you tommorrow morning.