22nd April 2011. Ordinary people consume less, Glenn Beck froths at the mouth, hippies volunteer not to shower.
Unless you have been hiding in a bunker somewhere, you might have heard rumours that the environment is having a few problems. Such delicate, balanced analysis as Al Gore's slideshow, our own modest efforts, and the various tabloid's "We are all going to die in horrible agony!" pieces have gotten people a little bit worried.
Fucking Global Warming!
Worried enough to try to at least make a gesture towards doing something about it. Oh, nothing serious or that will interfere at all with their lifestyle, just an hour here and a day there as a nod to the problem.
To quote from the official website:
"In recognition of the power of millions of individual actions, Earth Day 2011 will be organized around A Billion Acts of GreenÂ®: Personal, organizational and corporate pledges to live and act sustainably. "
Hmmmm. So it is like a telethon then?
So basically, you sign up and promise to do better in future. It worked on your 3rd grade teacher for your abysmal English test result, surely it will work on the planet.
We have already discussed the value of corporate green pledges. About as useful as tits on a stallion really, but what do you expect from businesses. Never trust those guys anyway, so lets go look at what individuals do.
Sure! Unlike Earth Hour, which involves the rage and withdrawal of switching some electrical items off for one whole hour, Earth Day is where you sign up for something to do sometime during the year.
Earth Hour. Also known as open season on pedestrians.
There are several ways to play. You can plant trees, assuming you abide by all city residential codes. You can, if you are a professional athlete, raise awareness and offset whatever little scandal you are currently involved in. Artists can get involved too, in the Arts for the Earth program. Or you can get involved in the noble cause of
brainwashing teaching children about environmental issues.
Oh dear. It seems like if you have no talent, you are not welcome. Well, you can always donate. We assume your money is as good as anyone else's and will let you salve your concience.
We can abso-fucking-lutely guarantee that one of the first comments this topic gets will be "Fuck you, Cracked! I come here for jokes, not politics! Environmentalism and global warming is all a con anyway!"
How DARE you write something I disagree with, even though I didn't read it!
First off, tough fucking shit and stop being such a moron. Arguing, bitching and complaining about whether or not global warming and man made environmental damage exists or not is, not a red herring, but totally irrelevant.
If it does actually exist, it needs to be fixed. As simple as that.
If it does not exist - well, why not use less energy? Is saving money that you simply don't have in the current economy somehow sinful now? Is consumption gone beyond a habit to being a religion?
The short answer is yes.
Turn off the air conditioning. Put on a sweater instead of turning up the heating - one sweater from Walmart is a lot cheaper than one extra degree of heating for the entire winter. Both your bank balance and steadily expanding waistline will thank you.
Take public transport - let the thieves who impose taxes pay your gas money. We realise this is impractical in large areas of the US - but the US is not the only country on Earth, no matter how hard it wishes it was. Buy a car that gets decent mileage - why give money to a multinational whose profit is in the billions of dollars per year when it could stay firmly in your own pocket instead?
Stop buying crap. Buy good quality once rather than poor quality several times. You save money. Any benefit to the Socialist conspiracy on the environment is a bonus.
Thank you, Earth Day!
Ah, who're we trying to kid. People won't give up their beliefs even to be better off - the very heart of the American Dream.