Superman
Superman: American cultural icon, Earth's greatest superhero,
Just The Facts
- Superman is a survivor of the doomed plantet, Krypton, and has been working illegally in America since 1938.
- Superman's powers include flight, super-strength, and invulnerability, and his only weakness is a piece of irradiated rock from half a universe away.
- Despite this, his greatest enemy is Lex Luthor, a middle-aged bald man in a business suit with no powers whatsoever.
- And that's just fucking sad.
Superman in the Golden Age of Comic Books, 1938-late 1940's
Created by two Jewish kids in New York named Jerry Siegel and Joe Shuster, Superman originally couldn't fly, move at the speed of light, hold black holes in his hands, or do most of the cool shit he can do today. He was originally limited to leaping tall buildings in a single bound, outracing speeding bullets, and stopping locomotives.
As well as putting women in their proper place.
When he wasn't leaving tied-up women to uncertain fates, he was busy fighting in World War II. Despite having the power to end the war single-handedly, however, Superman decided to do his part in a more traditionally American way--through xenophobia and racial slurs:
One can only imagine this image had Superman been created by two good ol' boys from Tennessee during the Civil War.
Among his abilities, the most underrated yet most oft-used was his power to make people forget the inherent irony in having a creature from another world serve as the very image of the American Spirit during times of conflict.
You can't see it, but the bald eagle is weeping.
Superman in the SIlver and Bronze Ages of Comic Books, 1956-mid 1980's
The Silver Age of Comic Books was a period of artistic advancement and commercial success in mainstream American comics, particularly in the superhero genre. For the readers, this meant a sudden proliferation of new and exciting characters, as well as the emergence of greats like Stan Lee and Jack Kirby. For Superman, however, this meant shedding his past limitations and gaining a metric fuck-ton of new skills, including the ability to create a new fucking power whenever the fucking fuck he wanted.
Apart from the soul-shattering claim of super-kisses, Silver Age Superman's other supposed powers he made up on the spot include:
- Super-weaving
- Super-ventriloquism
- Super-landscaping
- Super-motherfucking-mathematics
It's at this point where any rational human being stands up and calls horseshit, but in the pages of Action Comics, rationality is nothing more than a cheap hooker Superman picked up outside a Costco, raped, beat, and left for dead by the side of the road.
While wearing clown makeup.
And singing "Goodbye Horses."
For more examples of Superman's Silver Age hijinks, check out Superdickery.com
Superman in the Modern Age of Comic Books
During the Crisis on Infinite Earths crossover event in 1985, the editorial offices at DC decided to tone down the crazy and bring their heroes down to less-ridiculous levels. How someone determines what power levels are acceptable is beyond me, but apparently it's somewhere between stopping a train and doing this shit:
SHENANIGANS.
Though Superman's powers in the Modern Age are a fraction of what they once were, he is still one of the most powerful characters in fiction, able to lift billions of tons and take nuclear explosions to the face as though they were little more than Care Bear Stares. His vast power, however, doesn't serve to prevent Superman from inexplicably getting his ass kicked every other issue by people who have no business laying a hand on him, including everyone from Lex Luthor to the Goddamn Batman.
The Many Fails of Superman
1. Superman vs Muhammad Ali
While I'm sure there's a perfectly valid reason as to why Ali, a human being, is able to beat Superman's face into hamburger without shattering every bone in his fists by even being in the same ring as him, it's a lot funnier to imagine Superman as so incompetent that he can't even figure out how to work his powers of invulnerability or something.
2. Superman vs Batman
While this beatdown may be excused by the fact that there is a Kryptonite ring involved and the fact that it's the Goddamn Batman we're talking about here, there really shouldn't be anything stopping Superman from doing this:
3. Superman vs his heterosexuality
Super-Chastity!
Superman's Friends and Allies
1. Wonder Woman - Amazonian princess created by the Greek gods, she's Superman's female counterpart, which doesn't stop him from showing her her role every now and again:
The Pimp Hand is strong with this one.
2. Lois Lane - Superman's wife, easily fooled by eyeglasses, dimmest reporter of all time, and every time she needs rescuing, an angel gets its wings.
3. Supergirl - Superman's cousin, once had sex with a horse. (See Cracked article: 6 Creepiest Comic Book Characters of All Time)
4. Jimmy Olsen - The Canada to Superman's America, nobody likes him. Was once a giant turtle.
5. The Goddamn Batman - Considering the sheer amount of times they've beaten the crap out of each other, the fact that they remain friends means that these two either have the patience of saints, or they're--
Ah ... okay.
Batman>super man
ReplyWhy you popping off on the Man of Steel? Did you forget the Japanese propaganda poster of the samuri over the battleship? Did you forget about Peral Harbor or the Batan Death March? You are clearly looking for anti-Western propaganda you wanna be commentator.
Replydude, that's the GODDDAMN BATMAN. that tiny comic of Superman throwing him in the Sun. Won't happen CAUSE HE'S THE GODDDAMN BATMAN
Replyseems to be the most common argument... reminds me of Christians explaining why there has to be a God
Marubaku, don't troll.
Jerry Siegel and Joe Shuster were from Cleveland. Superman could stop speeding bullets "Nothing less than a bursting shell could penetrate his skin." and he ran faster than an express train. Not the other way around
ReplyHere is a seriously funny NSFW Superman comic. http://www.morningsquirtz.com/super_hard.html
Reply"Among his abilities, the most underrated yet most oft-used was his power to make people forget the inherent irony in having a creature from another world serve as the very image of the American Spirit during times of conflict." Are you kidding me? I mean I'm no fan of Superman, for the usual reasons. But, that's just lame. He's an immigrant. We're a nation of immigrants. We're all aliens of one sort or another.
ReplyThis is why Superman is a dick
Replyhttp://www.morningsquirtz.com/gawking_doesnt_pay.html
No spammer scum, this is why Superman is a dick.
I hate my f*****g laptop, lets try that again
ReplyVery funny in places but you have to remember that unlike 99.999999% of everything that gets referenced here at Cracked every fanboy (myself included) between the ages of 25-65 actually CARE about the Superman character and still scratch our collective heads in disbelief the no one can take the most iconic comic book character out there, a $200m budget and still not make a f*****g franchise that the average movie goer could give a s**t about.
Superman? Care? Actually, I can't stand the character, and that's speaking as a comic book fan.
the superman character is like vanilla, sure everybody likes it, but not many people would chose it over anything else; and the only way to make it seem special or different is to add frosting and sprinkles that only really impress children.
very funny in places but you have to remember that unlike 99.999999% of everything that gets referenced here at Cracked anyone between the ages of 25-65 actually CARE Superman
ReplyAwww man the homoerotic Batman/Superman picture's gone. Fix that s**t, I want in the superhero love.
ReplyThat was my mistake so don't go blaming Dingo for that one. I know it's a long time since you posted that, but I thought I'd give it some clarification.
Well done.
ReplyThe eagle weeping was a nice touch.
Freaking hilarious. I wonder why no one thought it was weird that Batman just stood there while Superman was half naked.
ReplyHad I any 'Shop skills at all, I would have made it so that Superman was fully nude there.