Steven Spielberg

Steven Spielberg is one of the most recognized names in Hollywood. He directs and produces almost every mega money-making film each summer. But like Brett Favre, Spielberg is about to find out that we don't care anymore.

Steven is confused at the lack of accomplishments and money you've made in the past 40 years.

Just The Facts

  1. Academy Award winning director and producer.
  2. One of your favorite movies is most likely a Steven Spielberg production.
  3. Has more money than you can imagine. You've probably seen one of his mansions fill up your screen on Google Earth.

Jaws (1975)

This was the movie that made a name for Steven Spielberg and that made you scared to go swimming even in swimming pools. It could have been an entirely different and crappy movie if it weren't for the infamous fake shark breaking all the time and looking like crap during filming. So Spielberg had to settle for the totally UN-scary method of not showing the shark until the very end of the movie (See: 6 Classic Movies (That Narrowly Avoided Disaster)). Yeah, totally scary... nice try Steven, like that will scare me when I least expect it...

AHHH! MOTHER OF GOD!

AHH HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!!

So what resulted was Jaws being one of the first ever "summer blockbusters" and making the entire world afraid to go into any type of water... damn sharks...

This is what you think about, admit it.

You've thought about it, but Samuel L. Jackson didn't in Deep Blue Sea, maybe he should've watched Jaws.

Close Encounters of the Third Kind (1977)

Aliens are friendly? What gives Steven?

This is the movie where Steven begins this belief that aliens are always friendly, which he completely abandons in 2005 with a movie about Tom Cruise catering to some screaming girl as he is constantly ass-handled by aliens. One is about communicating and peace, which ends with music. The other is about father-child relations blah blah, it's really about things being blowing up.

Good Movie:

Close Encounters

The aliens come to Earth to communicate so we can share knowledge. Inspiring, no?

Bad Movie:

War of the Worlds

Oh my God! STFU!

A number of years after Close Encounters of the Third Kind, Steven does a movie very similar called E.T. However, the alien isn't only friendly, but annoying as well. But it's still another great movie.

Indiana Jones, Hell Yeah! (1981, 1984, 1989, and ...*blocking from memory*)

There really isn't much to explain here. He created, with the help of George Lucas, one of the most popular and badass characters in the history of cinema who just happened to be played by one of the coolest actors in the history of cinema.

Indiana Jones

Was that the sound of a woman's nipples getting hard? I bet it was...

If you haven't seen the latest Indiana Jones film, just disregard it. You'll only be disappointed.

Jurassic Park (1993)

Have you ever been impressed by dinosaurs in movies before Jurassic Park?

Before:

stop motion

Who put their son's toy in front of the camera!??! Oh, never mind.

After:

Jurassic Park

Not that I've ever seen a dinosaur before, but I'm making an assumption that this is sort of what they looked like. And just to add: SWEET!

Steven Spielberg's Jurassic Park revolutionized the technique of using computers to create things that aren't real. Apparently, when Michael Bay saw this movie, he immediately decided that he wanted to spend the rest of his life ruining the magic of cinema.*

Michael Bay

The negative outcome of Jurassic Park. Way to go Steven.

* At least this is how I think it happened. It's a theory. It's probably wrong.

Schindler's List (1993)

Liam Neeson saved Jews while you cried your self into a puddle.

Schindler's List

Worst "Dinner and a Movie" Decision EVER!!

It also won a ton of Academy Awards if that means anything nowadays.

Saving Private Ryan (1998)

Apparently, Steven Spielberg and Tom Hanks don't think that you know how brutal war is. I mean, how bad could men killing other men really be?

Saving Private Ryan

Ah. Excuse me while I try to erase this scene from my memories.

If you made it past the first ten minutes of the film without either throwing up or shutting it off, then there is something wrong with you. The movie seemed to be more about how horrible war is and not about soldier camaraderie and courage.

Have you ever seen a young boy scream 'Momma!' as his intestines lay next to him in a pile this big? Well, now you have. HAHAHA!

All of that just to save Matt Damon!?

Saving Private Ryan Matt Damon

Fuck that.

2000-Present

A lot of movies were made by Steven Spielberg around this time, but none really worth their own section. Except maybe Munich. Steven Spielberg must have felt that Jews needed to look really badass, so he just had them killing everyone that they thought were terrorists, but not the cool way. Just by blowing up their homes and stuff.

Jew

Only if...

As of now, he produces more than he directs, which is a shame, because he, with the help of George Lucas, is ruining everything that used to be valuable to your childhood.

Rape

You laughed out loud, but then realized it was true... *tear*