Nicolas Cage's Wicker Man

The remake that launched a thousand Internet memes. So far removed from the chills of the original, it ends up being a legitimate comedy.

Harsh, but fair.

Trust me, this is scratching the surface of the Internet piss-taking.

This genuinely happens.

Just The Facts

  1. The original Wicker Man was a genuinely scary film, starring Christopher Lee and Edward Woodward. You know when it has Christopher Lee as the villain that you're in for a terrifying time. Ask Gandalf.
  2. For reasons that we can only speculate about (and won't here, for libel purposes) Nicolas Cage decided to star in AND PRODUCE (as if acting in it wasn't enough of a fail) a remake.
  3. You can't have a better time than if you gather a group of friends, some weed and some beer, and sit back and laugh at what was created here.
  4. Seriously. Try it. If you don't almost wet yourself laughing, you can feel free to track me down and ask for your money back.

The Plot

Edward Malus (Nicolas Cage) sees a young mother and her daughter get run over by a truck. Haunted by trucks for the next half hour, he decides to head off to visit his ex-fiancée Willow in the arse-end of nowhere, aka the island of Summersisle. She's desperately worried because her daughter Rowan has gone missing and no-one will believe her. The truck follows him on the ferry, then fucks off presumably because it's sick of out-acting Cage at every turn.

Once on the island, Cage finds his efforts to locate the girl thwarted by the unfriendly, bee-obsessed, mostly female locals. In the least shocking twist of all time, he realises that Rowan is also his daughter, and from there on in Cage goes from barely bothering to say his lines to full on Bad Lieutenant-esque manic mode. He sprints around the island questioning the birds about the bees, freaking out over burned dolls and dramatically punching women while dressed as a bear. This is unbelievably awesome.

Unfortunately, his bearserker rage (see what I did there!) is ended when the locals capture him and use him as a human sacrifice to make their bees more productive, or something. Cage proceeds to narrate his entire torture scene, from having his legs broken (bear feet still intact) to being forced to wear a helmet full of bees ("They're in my eyes! MY EYES!"). He's finally burned to death in a giant Wicker Man.

And lo, there was much mirth made of it all online.

The Massive Internet Piss-Taking

Go on, I dare you. Go to youtube, type in the words "Nicolas Cage" and "Wicker Man". You will not be disappointed. Nearly every video that pops up is a pants-wettingly hilarious slice of fried gold, from the trailer re-imagined as a comedy to the one showing what Cage's reaction to being forced to watch it would be. Also, people can't get enough of that bear suit. It even won a Razzie, for Worst On-Screen Couple, jointly with Cage. This I find a tad unfair, because Nicolas Cage and his Bear Suit are, together, the single funniest thing I've ever seen in my life.

Google Images also brings forth a plethora of delights, mainly of Cage's "How did it get burned?!" face but also featuring a creepy topless one of him reclining in leopardskin, which is definitely much more horrifying than the film was supposed to be.

I warned you.

What Cage Did Next...

Every fucking film he was offered. Seriously, the man will act in anything. Check out this very real (okay, not entirely) video from College Humor: www.collegehumor.com/video:1942044

Some have been good: Kick-Ass, Bad Lieutentant, Drive Angry (Shush, you heckling in the back. It was excellent. Mainly because of William Fichtner, but still).

Some have been bad: National Treasure

Some have been horrifically ugly: Ghost Rider, I'm talking to you.

There is however, one thing you cannot deny, and it is this: No matter how badly he acts, nor how truly awful the film that is in is, Nicolas Cage is ALWAYS entertaining. That is all.