Idle Hands

Are the Devil's playground.

Now THAT's doing it right.

Idle hands...like to skateboard.

Just The Facts

  1. Idle Hands is the title of a movie starring Jessica Alba
  2. Jessica Alba has since dedicated her life to finding things for idle hands to do.
  3. How many demons can play on the palm of a hand? We shall never know.

From the Diary of John Jennings, esq.

I used to go to the most exclusive elementary day school around. The place was the Phillips Exeter of High School Preparatory schools. In fact, a few of my classmates WENT to Phillips Exeter. The first semester of 7th grade, I was a goddamn tank. I played the best basketball of my life, I was 3rd in my class. Life was good. Then, I broke my left forearm. Grounded, stuck at home for hours on end, barred brom playing basketball. Spring break only made it worse. Staring at the ceiling no longer held the endless hours of enjoyment and entertainment it once had. One day, as I watched the ceiling fan buzz throught the air, a thought popped into my head. I could remember some kids at school had been talking about something called "Porn"--yeah, that was it! Porn! They had said it was the best thing ever. I swiftly bounded from my bed, vigorously strode towards the computer room. WOW! This WAS the best thing ever! So fun to watch, so much of it, so easy! JESUS! my dick was so big! Oh...Oh God...I could feel that funny feeling in my liver. The only time I had felt that before was when Mrs. Lindt bent down to pick up her chalk in Algebra class. I was all tingly inside, like there was something that had to come out, an itch that needed to be scratched. If only there were some way to...

It's important to note here, I was raised in a very conservative family. So conservative, in fact, that my parents felt compelled to force me to watch the entire library of Focus on the Family's "Life Changes" series. I thought back to those as I wracked my brain for release. All of a sudden, heard I Dr. Jeremiah Dobbs' voice in my head. That Holy-Roller was wavering, reedy, with a sort of blend of southern and midwestern accents--like Ned Flanders with his balls cut off. I remember him teaching, "Now, uh, remember kids! Masturbation is when, well, now, you, uh, rub your penis.......But thats, uh wrong. Don't do that."

I don't think I have to tell you what I did next. Let's just say I learned the true value of tissues that day.

After that, every time I got bored--whack off.

Every time my parents weren't home--whack off.

It got to the point that all my free time was spent jerkin' the serpent.

My grades plummeted. I graduated in the bottom fifth of my class. I was cut from the Varsity basketball squad in 8th grade.

So, that's my story.

Thanks a lot, Dr. Dobbs.