Tigerblood

The raw power tiger blood prevents tigers from becoming drug addicts and wife-beaters. What is this insane power, and why does Charlie Sheen claim to have it coursing through his veins? Do YOU have the right to wield this power too? Read on...

Do you have the right to wield tiger blood?

The eyes of a killer.

The eyes of a killer.

Just The Facts

  1. Tiger blood comes from tigers. They use it to carry oxygen to their muscles, among other things.
  2. Charlie Sheen also has tiger blood. Presumably for the same purpose.
  3. "Tiger blood" is also the name of a brand of steroids.

So What Is Tiger Blood?

Just like us humans, tigers utilise their blood to perform daily activities and activate their muscles. In an interview with Esquire.com, Luke Hunter, the vice-president of Panthera, a wildcat conservation group, stated that tiger blood "doesn't have any unique qualities that make it any different from human blood".

So does that mean we all have tiger blood?

No, evidently not.

We're not all killing machines after all.

We're not all killing machines after all.

So What Does 'The Sheen' Mean Then?

Like any actor in 2011, Sheen is a poet of sorts. He has a way with words. Obviously, when he talks about having Tiger Blood, he doesn't literally mean he has the actual blood from a tiger. He means that he has that the strength and mind of a tiger.

That's right: Charlie Sheen stole a tiger's brain. It may sound crazy, but think about it. They share more behavioural characteristics than you'd at first think:

Tigers are solitary and territorial creatures

While Charlie Sheen may seem to be the exact opposite of solitary, what with his interviews and hookers, but he is actually fairly solitary. He spends a lot of time locked away tweeting.

This is also probably a reason for Charlie Sheen's alleged violent treatment of women. Once he's drugged up on alcohol and God (and every media publication ever) knows what else, his acute tiger senses get confused, and he sees the presence of hookers as an invasion of his territory. Needles to say, like any good tiger, he quickly asserts his dominance.

A male's territory can cover 60-100km2

Male tigers call a large space of land their territory. Why? Because tigers are fucking badass.

Current estimations show Charlie Sheen to own at least 80km2 of land.

A breakdown of his land usage in pie chart form:

Pie Chart breakdown of Sheen's land

Territorial disputes are usually settled with intimidation rather than outight aggression

It's a well-known fact that if one male tiger tries to encroach on another's territory, they rarely go at each other in a ferocious claw scrap to the death. Sometimes they look at each other through narrow tiger eyes, each playing out the potential battle in their tiger minds, sizing each other up. Other times tigers are known to not confront each other at all. The most ruthless of tigers usually just direct abuse at their tiger rivals via webcam to the internet. Favourite tiger put-downs include:

"Where ya hiding, silly clown?"

"Can you smell your mother's tears from some distant memory as she scattered her pathetic creation asking all around her why this feeble abortion survived?"

"Think of me often, loser, during your most quiet moments."

Even after the battle is won, tigers can continue to try and intimidate, so that the threat will not continue. For instance tigers have been know to shout at the fleeing rival tiger:

"Imagine what I would have done with my fire breathing fists."

That's right, mortherfucking fists BREATHING FIRE.

The cub's father will generally take no part in rearing them

Instead, they tend to leave them in the care of whores.

At least she won't be beaten by the male tiger in a drug-fuelled rage.

At least she won't be beaten by the male tiger in a drug-fuelled rage.