Grade School Bullies

Cracked on Grade School Bullies

Just The Facts

  1. Bullies never travel alone - they always have at least two other goons behind them who assist them in pulling your underpants over your head.
  2. If you stand up to a bully, he'll back down.
  3. LOL. No he won't.

Meeting the Bully

The first encounter is always the best. The bully doesn't know who you are and probably wants to

know your name. Once you tell him, he'll probably spend the next several minutes thinking about

which letter of the alphabet would make the funniest substitution for the first character of your last

name. This is the only time you'll ever get off this easy, so make it count.

The Bell

Bullies are too stupid to track time, seeing as how all their available brain power is being diverted

into pulling off that tricky "L" shaped hand gesture and then moving it up to their foreheads without it

turning into an "M" when they're not looking. This means that if you play your cards right and keep the

bully busy by feeding him opportunities to insult you , the chances of you attending next period with

your underwear around your nipples decreases substantially. Its just a matter of running out the clock.


Adults always think telling the teacher is the best way to deal with bullies. This is incorrect.

Going to a teacher, principal, or parent is the exact kind of behavior you're getting pushed

around for in the first place. You can either fight back, or, if you're not completely insane,

just try to make the best of what you have.

Flag Poles

If you're IQ exceeds your weight, there's a good bet you've been hoisted up on a flag pole by your

underwear at least once. Don't get too upset just yet, though, because this can actually be a blessing

in disguise. Being at the top of the flag pole puts a good forty feet between you and the bullies, so

you'll be able to enjoy a few minutes of peace and quiet until a bird spots you and shits on your head.

Gym Class

Gym Class is somewhat of a loophole for bullies, because its the only time they're allowed

to beat the fuck out of you and not get in trouble. To make matters worse, the only two games you

ever get to play are Dodgeball and wrestling, and you're not very good at either. What you need to

do is forge a doctor's note. Here are some common excuses:

1. Bronchitus

2. Asthma

3. Irritable Bowel Syndrome

4. A rash

5. A crick in your neck that just won't go away

6. A sword fight

7. A broken clavicle from yesterday's gym class

These are just examples. You'll need to keep coming up with fresh excuses, unless you can convince

the coach you're somehow allergic to pit sweat and can't participate.