Selling Your Soul

Selling your soul for power, love, or money might be eternal damnation, but it doesn't have to be a headache! Cracked presents its concise guide to...

Just The Facts

  1. There is no "right choice" between Infernal and Eldrich. Each offers unique advantages and disadvantages. You have to pick what's "right" for your lifestyle!
  2. Always, ALWAYS barter a portion of your soul, not the whole lump sum. While bartering 1/4th your soul might make you significantly less joyful, unable to laugh or pet a puppy, giving away the whole shebang instanly makes you a puppet of the infernals or a hollowed-out husk, only capable of movement
  3. Cracked does not endorse actual soul-selling. Please consult a parent or priest if this starts to sound good

Getting Started

It can be helpful to know how to get started contacting the necessary individuals. There are two diametrically opposed methods. For infernals, there is a top down structure, for eldrich, a bottom-up. We present a comprehensive guide to dealing with both factions.

Dealing with Infernals

The higher the better. The infernals have a rigid hierarchy, with princes and sub-princes all scheming to replace one another. The deeper you can go the less red tape and politking you have to deal with.

Obviously, the idea would be to contact the leader, the devil, who is satan. The quality of the torment of your immortal soul depends on this, so a little perseverence is good. He'll likely have so many tortured servants you may get off with an eternity on the rack, or a tar pit, or something like that.

Minor princes and demons will take a more active interest in any souls they have acquired, and where eternity is concerned, the less attention you get the better. You might get stuck hollowing out a mountain of worms, pruning spite-trees, or something odious like that.

Dealing with Eldrich

What you want here is to spend 99% of your time dealing with the lowest of the low - new cultists. This is because of the mentally and spiritually caustic effect of their higher-ups, the blind idiot elder gods.

They taint all their servitors with their madness, so even exposure to the higher-ups isn't advisable. Ideally, you'll conduct most of your business with relatively sane neophites, and finish the deal with a hairline crack torn into the fabric of reality through which the elder gods draw a portion of your soul, suffering exposure to them for no more than two minutes.

Final Warnings

Keep in mind, for every piece of your soul that you barter away, your ability to care about ANYTHING, including the fate of your immortal soul, is diminished. This is the reason for having a single, definable goal when first bartering.

It is too easy to be fooled by scam cultists, who sign you up to trade a portion of your soul for a promotion, and then return to solicit you for further pieces in exchange for other boons. With your decreased emotional aptitude, you are more willing to barter it away, until they have your entire soul in pocket.