Focus On The Family

Focus on the Family is an organization dedicated to ensuring the perfect conformity of all of God's children to His immutable law.

Because who has time to instill morals in their kids, anyway?

Just The Facts

  1. Hate the sin, Love the sinner. Love 'em, love 'em, love 'em. Omahgah.
  2. Has secretly hired a crack squad of monks to assasinate Perez Hilton.
  3. Established the tried an true "Would this make the Baby Jesus cry?"
  4. Wish we could go back to a time where it was acceptable to stone Gay Pinkos, like the 1950s.
  5. Think Ceiling Cat is a big, muscly, bearded guy who likes writing stuff on stone tablets.

Focus on the Family and You

Focus on the Family is a loving, caring place where every boy and girl can feel free to grow in a nurturing Christian environment. Think of us as pruning shears for your young crop of children. We are proud to serve morally correct, heterosexual, nuclear families across America, and we are currently expanding our operations to include other nations, such as Uganda. "Why?," might you ask. Well, let's just say a little birdie told us. And by birdie, we mean Jesus Christ our Lord and Savior.

One of the most important aspects of Focus on the Family's mission is it's position in the vanguard of the moral majority's army. Since the 1970s, we've been delivering sensible, bible-based "thought-ammunition" to our "minions", or fellow Christian soldiers. Trust us, it won't be easy. Why, with modern day sex-symbols like Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears, Ke$ha, and Michael Cera traipsing across the tabloids and screens of our nation, it's all we can do to maintain the trench lines in the fight for America's youth.

Now these slimy "Culture-bomb shells" of sex, cocaine, and alcohol may seem repulsive, but there's another enemy we must fight.

A far more pernicious and powerful enemy.

A subversive and un-American enemy.

A happy enemy. One might almost call them...Gay.

In case our readers haven't caught on yet, we were talking about the Gays. These dynamos of urban restoration, fashion advice, and cupcake-making have been spreading their glittery tendrils throughout society, like a giant gay octopus with a tasteful fedora and matching waistcoat. We all know that the worst thing about glitter is that it is virtually impossible to remove. Thus, like removing specks of glitter from a formerly pristine shag rug, we must carefully locate and remove each infinitesimal speck of gayness from the public consciousness. Or use a vacuum cleaner.

Regardless, the most important part of the battle for our children's minds is preventing evil ideas from even taking root. Deborah, the office secretary, always covers important documents with molten plastic in order to prevent their defilement by office debris and coffee stains. We must do the same with our children. Like a laminated coating, our "see-through" PRO-Life-a-ganda is designed to blend in to current media and appeal to today's youth. Market research has revealed or edgy-looking fonts are quite "the bee's knees" with kids these days.

So the next time your kid asks to go see a Kid Rock concert, smack him across the face.

This shit will get your ass hauled to jail sooner than you can say "love tap".

Just kidding. Seriously, don't abuse your child.

What Jesus would WANT you to is say, "Sure, let's go together!" and offer to buy tickets. Then go right to our site for direct access to tickets and showtimes for a wide variety of mediocre, radio-friendly, guaranteed non-satanic musical acts. Get him hooked on Christian media, and you won't have to worry about soulless third parties raising your child. Trust us. It worked with Katy Perry.