How To Be A Drunk Annoyance.

You've done it again. You are a drunken mess and you're embarrassing yourself and everybody here. Don't worry, though. Sure, you're a wreck, but now you get to choose just what kind of wreck you want to be.

If this looks like too much effort, just take a shit behind a radiator and don't tell anybody.

Discover Your Inner Annoying Drunk.

Woah, okay, hello there. Hey, it's okay. Don't be embarrassed. We know you're feeling bad right now, and God knows you'll be feeling worse in the morning. Just stand up, drink this water, put on some dry pants and we'll explain why this isn't the end of your reputation.

Good news: unless you are literally dead, this situation is still salvageable. You've just got to ask the right questions. You're at this stage, so you're too late for "am I annoying?". You almost certainly are. What you should be asking is, "what particular flavour of annoying pertains to me?"

I call dibs on Bigoted Drunk!
I call dibs on Bigoted Drunk!

The Hopeless Drunk

It's half past twelve Sunday afternoon. Sunny day out, could be good for a picnic, maybe even go to the beach. Birds are singing, children are frolicking and dancing carefree in the playgrounds. Christians are...doing Sabbathy things, I don't know. Praying. Resting. Whatever.

You need a drink. Whiskey? Yeah. Two fingers? Better make it four, take the edge off the hangover. No, don't open the curtains, the sunlight makes everything hurt.

Not happy with how your life ended up,yeah? But God, it's effort to change it. Don't bother! You've achieved status! There's people out there actively searching out how to be an annoying drunk, and you've managed it no effort required thanks to your naturally miserable personality.

You'll face a lot of prejudice as Hopeless Drunk. A lot of assumptions. You probably even have them yourself; you're thinking "how can I be annoying people with this private habit of mine?". It's true, Hopeless Drunk is generally a solo sort of activity. But just think! All the family gatherings you've ruined with that involuntary urination habit of yours. All the park benches you've appropriated as a makeshift bed, to the detriment of tired homeless folk. And we don't know if anyone's ever told you, but you exude this weird, fermented sort of smell. Nobody wants to sit near you on the bus. Nobody.

The Unwilling Drunk

Alcohol doesn't taste that good.

Nobody ever wants to admit that, because that'd mean admitting that actually we're just doing this for the sole purpose of getting totally wankered. Even wine. Yeah, we'll wax alcholical about bouquet and nutmeg-plum undertones, but we all secretly think it tastes like crap and vinegar.

Or maybe I should stop buying scatologically-titled alcohol.
Or maybe I should stop buying scatologically-themed drinks.

Point is, you don't like the taste. You don't like the way it feels. You really want no part in this. You are Unwilling Drunk.

But everybody else is doing it. And you don't want to look like a loser. So you do it, and you spend the evening in the kitchen quietly deploring yourself for your lack of willpower and autonomy and constructing towers out of the tortilla chips.

Never fear! You're spineless and mopey, but at least everybody hates you for it! You're bringing the mood down, you sour-faced little shit. Nobody wants you to leave the kitchen because you're not fun, but now they have to feel guilty about it. They probably only invited you because they thought everybody else here likes you.

No-one here likes you.

Not even you.

The "Fun" Drunk

Dude. You are a fucking laugh riot. Check it; you've drawn a dick on your face in sharpie. Fuckin' comedy, man.

You're the guy who steals traffic cones. What the hell are you even going to do with all these traffic cones? You can only wear one on your head at a time.

Guess you could do this but I don't know why you would.
Guess you could do this but I don't know why you would.

You're the guy who takes dick jokes to a whole new level. How many things have you jizzed in this time?

You're that bitch who always suggests karaoke. Fuck karaoke. Who even likes it? You. Because you are Fun Drunk.

People always invite you with such high hopes. They have a vague memory of you doing something loud and bizarre last time you went out, so you were probably fun, they think. Oh, you're dry-humping the furniture again. Oh, you've got somebody's phone and you're texting lewd messages to their ex/their grandmother/their boss. Oh, you've smashed all of the everything. And you cannot stop laughing. Who wants to see your nipples? Everybody here wants to see your nipples!

And then they remember why they meant to leave you off the guest list this time round.

The Technology Drunk

You have an ex boy/girlfriend who isn't at this party. Worse, you have an ex boy/girlfriend who isn't at this party and you hate them. You hate their face and their arms and the fact that their phone number is still in your phone and you can't call them just because you slept with their sibling just a little bit and oh, hey, you're calling them.

They've not answered. That's fine, they have voicemail. And now their voicemail has been told just how much you hate their face and their arms and actually it was their sister and their brother. Yeah, at the same time.

That showed them.

Hey, and you can get on Facebook! That's good, because you're having such a great evening. It is so great. Isn't this great? You should tell everyone. Spelling correctly is overrated. Everyone needs to know right now exactly how blitzed you are and exactly how many places you've hurled and exactly who you've been sucking off in the bathroom. Yeah, your mother and your boss are both on your friends list but who cares? You're Technology Drunk, and everybody who isn't at this party needs to know how great it is that you have a social life.

The Honest Drunk

You don't get why everybody's mad at you.

She does have the personality of eroding brickwork. He does look fat these days. You have always hated her.

It's just the truth. You're just being Honest Drunk.

What's the big deal?

Abstinent?

Don't worry if you don't dabble in the dark depths of drink. You can still be annoying too. Never feel left out in a party full of hammered douchebags again! It takes pretty much no effort to be...

The Not Drunk

There's a couple of other people here who don't drink. But man, do you Not Drink. You are an aggressive non-drinker.

Somebody making a tit of themselves? Take a photo. Take lots of photos. If you tag them now, everybody on Facebook will have seen if before the poor bastard sobers up enough to delete it.

Maybe he was just hungry for urinal cakes.
Maybe he was just hungry for urinal cakes.


Somebody said something idiotic? You'll be repeating it back to them for weeks. And God, are you smug when the bodily fluids start flowing.

You're here for the free snacks and soda. If you're the one driving people home tonight, it means you're owed a massive favour, but usually you like to stay over. Morning is your favourite part of the whole thing. You get first pick of whatever's left in the fridge because everyone else is still passed out. You walk around and clatter all the empties and dirty glasses from last night when you get bored, and when they all stumble in looking like a Romero movie, you happily remind them that you're not going to do the washing up.

You didn't make any of the mess, after all. You're Not Drunk.