Chimpanzees

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Cute.

Just The Facts

  1. Chimpanzees, members of the Great Ape family, are highly evolved both mentally and physically. They share 96 percent of their DNA with humans, which make them our closest relative on earth.
  2. Chimpanzees are said to pack four times the physical strength of homo sapiens, which, along with their heightened intelligence, can make them an extremely dangerous presence to humans, both in captivity and the in the wild. This has been proven time and time again through incidents all over the worl
  3. Chimpanzees look cute in top hats.

Notable Chimps

Bubbles:

Bubbles was the famous beloved pet of Michael Jackson, who slept, at one time, in a crib in the King of Pop's bedroom and ate at Neverland Ranch's lush dining tables. Bubbles and Jackson liked to dress alike and eat candy, until Bubbles matured and became aggressive. He now resides at The Center for Great Apes in Wauchula Florida. Bubbles once had tea with a mayor in Japan, giving him more political clout than most voting Americans.

Kanzi

Kanzi, a banobo chimp , lives at the Great Ape Trust in Des Moines Iowa. He can communicate his 3000 vocabulary through lexigrams, and can play Pacman. Once, while out on a camping trip with a group of researchers, Kanzi requested "marshmallows" and "fire," and was given a bag of Jet Puffs and matches. Kanzi then " snapped twigs for a fire, lit them with the matches and toasted the marshmallows on a stick."

Yes. Very precious. Onto a chimp that eats babies.

Frodo

Why, here's a chimp that ate a baby!

In May of 2002 in Gombe Park, a woman, her 16 year-old niece, and 14 month old daughter (who was secured in a sling on the the older girl's back) were walking towards a research camp where the woman's husband was employed. When they stumbled upon Frodo munching on palm fronds near their path, both parties were startled, and the scene ended the way mutual startlings often do: the chimp ran towards the humans, persistently yanked at the baby until she came loose from her cousin's back, then carried her up a tree and began eating her.

(Photo of Frodo and Elijah Wood)

One of these ate a baby.

Naturally, Frodo was euthenized immediately after proving himself to be a dangerous maneater. And by this we mean, his behavior was dubbed normal for a wild animal, even one regularly exposed to people, and he was allowed to go on hopping around on tree limbs and showing up dingos everywhere.

Frodo also tried to kill Jane Goodall.

Moe:

When LaDonna and St. James Davis discovered there were unable to have children, the couple considered adopting, but decided that an opposable thumb was all they needed in a parent-child relationship, and settled on raising their chimp Moe as a son. Eventually, a house guest had her finger bitten after putting her hand in Moe's cage (never a wise idea with a non-domesticated animal, even one in possession of his own bedroom and an array of sweater vests). Moe was taken away from the Davises and relocated to a nearby exotic animal shelter, though James and LaDonna said the bite occurred because Moe mistook the woman's red fingernails for candy.

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Look, he thought you were made of strawberry liquorice.

The couple was devastated, engaged in years of court battles, and continued to visit Moe at the shelter. During one such visit, in which they were celebrating Moe's thrity-ninth birthday (with balloons, presents, a cake with rasberry filling, and, we speculate, probably a Stones cover band), two of Moe's fellow chimps escaped their enclosure and attacked the Davises, tearing off LaDonna's thumb before gouging out St. James' right eye, biting off his nose and several fingers, then mauling him in a more general sense for several minutes while Moe sat in the corner of his cage twiddling his intact digits and somewhere in the world an episode of Lassie showcased the loyalty of dogs. Four years later, he escaped from his steel cage (by ripping it apart) and has not been seen since.

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Screw you, mom and dad

Jerk.