Addiction

Addictions are like your kinda hot, slutty, batshit crazy ex girlfriend that you keep hitting up for frequent 3am booty calls..you know the outcome will be a fucking trainwreck, but you just keep going back for more....

                             Get out your straws kids...Farmville waits for no man!

Just The Facts

  1. Addiction sucks goat ass....but the worst part is yet to come....withdrawal!....Buckle up, Buttercup...cause this is going to be mindsearingly painful......
  2. You can get addicted to just about anything on planet Earth....from masturbating to doughnuts....possibly at the same time...if your lucky..
  3. Addiction is a highly profitable area for the Health Care/Pharmacutical Industry....do you like to occasionally blur your horrible reality w/ chemicals/poker chips/fried chicken?..Congrats!...your an addict!!!
  4. Big Pharma spends BILLIONS getting you off of your drug, and onto as many of theirs as humanly fucking feasible...

Addiction: Winning!

Addiction is nothing less than a dirty, dirty bitch. Period. One wonders how something that feels so mind-blowingly incredible now, could possibly destroy the very fabric of your being a short time later. Basically, the same way that a $10 BJ from a clearly $5 hooker does...right now, everything seems absolutely rock-star awesome. But in about a month, your gonna get just a lil itchy....then, really itchy...then, sometime in the not too distant future, burning-open-sores-on-your-junk-itchy. How the hell did this happen?...A few months ago, your were having the time of your life!...Now your bandaged, depressed, and downing enough Valtrex to choke a rhinocerous.... How did I get here, you ask?......Well...let's see...

One night your happily blasting lines off of the coffee table that would make Andy Dick blush....

Next thing you know, your blasting an 8 ball out of Andy Dick's naval ...this is not a good sign...

Or maybe you like to get your drinky drinky on now and again...ok, so hourly would be more accurate...but who's counting, right?....Everyone knows that you can't drink all day if you don't start in the morning! The last time you had an actual reality-based memory was last Tuesday(you think)...you were at your best friends house...he slurred something about a beer run...ok...friend leaves,check....friends Mom comes home from work, check....friends Mom wants to show you her bedroom, check ...friends Mom removes your belt with her teeth, check....friend returns to see you grasping the bed post for dear life and his Mom on her knees in front of you....see where this is going?...no where good....

Ok, if your friends Mom has a rack like that, totally understandable...

My point is this...addiction sneaks up and bites you in the ass before you even know whats happening...it never seems like a problem at first, but give it time...it will be....

Social Networking/Internet

Ok, I definitely see the appeal of this one...an unlimited audience that will listen to your every bullshit idea and psychotic whim...but it's basically the updated version of the "party lines" of the late 80's....for those of you who weren't around for the 80's...fuck off!...

The top dog in this genre is Fuckbook...I mean Facebook. Although, to be perfectly frank(or Jim) I prefer Twitter. Where you can contact all of your "friends" from highschool and reminisce about how good the sex was compared to your current domestic situation...likely, it was WAY better then...no kids, jobs or bills always helps the lube sitch....

The stroller makes it "family friendly"..and really classy..? The public bathroom is a nice touch....

Basically , the addiction to social networking goes like this....

You sign up thinking you MIGHT run into an old friend from school...

You put up fully clothed headshots, and "friend" only people you actually know..then you realize something...something incredibly frightening. Facebook apparently knows every single goddamn person you have ever met in your entire life....and they think that you should be friends with them all...

At first, you were logging in every few days...if for no other reason than to feel relevant. Now you are messaging every horny jackass on the internet...this does not take long to spiral into a problem...a few weeks is all it takes for you to morph from a normal member of society, to a shut in...the amount of "likes" to a particular post being the sole gauge of your self worth.

It's really no different than any other addiction...you do it enough and enjoy it enough, eventually it will consume every waking minute of your day....

The Internet is an extremely powerful medium...basically, you get a soapbox and a bullhorn 24/7...this is very enticing...but be careful, because it can consume every waking minute of your day(other than reading http://www.cracked.com articles of course)....

Many other addictions stem from this one...online gambling, daytrading, porn....you name it, it can be found on the Internet!...

For those of us with ADD, the internet is either the greatest goddamn invention to grace planet Earth, or the most horrible, sloth inducing, time burning medium ever devised....instant information at your fingertips...ADDers can kill 8 hours at a clip on this pastime without even realizing it...trust me, I'm one of them...if you would like an example of what a "Google" session looks like when you have ADD, here ya go...

Porn!!!!!!

Now, for the 800lb dildo in the room...

Ok...not the most appropriate statement under a pic of a praying child...but I have no goddamn idea how to remove it, so here it stays....

Like any other addiction, porn is progressive in it's addictive properties...there are basically 3 stages in porn addiction....your welcome:

You will start out getting off to totally normal porn...one on one, man on woman sex....your still a totally functional member of society, and you like sex w/ women....but before ya know it, that shit changes right quick...and you end up looking like this...

After a while, you mange to graduate to "Step 2"...this is the point where "sane" folk would be scheduling a retinal scraping...but not you, Champ! You can only get off to "hardcore" shit...you can't get it up with a woman unless she is hog tied, blind folded, gagged, and suspended from the ceiling...you are sick to death of "normal" porn, and your whacking off 14 times a day just to keep the urge to kidnapp and ravage your neighbors wife at bay....you leave the house only to resupply yourself with Jack and lube.........congrats!..your almost ready for level 3....

Balki!!!!

At this point, you are watching scat, snuff, and beastiality porn on a continous loop...you have lost the ability to speak a discernable language...it mostly grunting and jerking at this point....the last time you had an encounter with a breathing human, there were copious amounts of blood and sirens in the distance....you have now reached "Rock Star Sexual Deviant" status...and can never leave your house again......

So, as you can see...you nice, safe porn collection may just lead you to a spot on the "sex offender registry" list....congrats!

On a serious note(for now), porn can get totally outta hand....you just dig deeper and deeper till the only thing that gets you off is the Tiajauna Donkey Show....that is NOT a good thing....Google it....and please, whatever you do, NEVER look up "2 girls, 1 cup".....*shudder*

And our next favorite vice is....

Alcohol

If you've never woken up, semi nude, in a different state than you started drinking in, then this is probably not an issue for you.(As in you started partying in Newburg, NY...and you wake up in Seaside Heights, NJ...yes...that would be the land of the Orange People....You really haven't lived until you wake up next to an overly-muscular Guido, gold chain and all...a truly terrifying experience)

Ok, so "terrifying" might be too strong a word...

Anyway, enough about me....

Alcohol addiction will whoop your ass, no matter much of a badass you think you are...drink enough, and Jack Daniels will be the only lullabye that works.

Alcohol is a sneaky bitch. You start w/ 2 drinks after work one night...no problem

You start going to the bar on weeknights after work...and staying out later and later...

You progress to "adventure" mode...basically, it's anyones guess as to where you are going to wake up(come to)and anyones guess as to who will be there when you do...just pray it's a member of the opposite sex, and that they are realtively good looking...

If he happens to look like this, find your pants...and RUN!!!

Not preachin...juss sayin...

Food

If the above picture doesn't cure you of this one, than I am not sure that there is any hope for you. I can honestly say that I've never had this vice....(to respond to the following statement, please forward all hate mail to mamabearjm@yahoo.com I'm one of those chix that can pretty much eat fried chicken 24/7 and barely gain weight....just the way I'm built....this irritates many, many people but....oh, well)

I'm not gonna BS you and insult your intelligence by saying empty, souless cliches like "I know how you feel"....or "it gets better every day!"....screw that...I have very little knowledge on this one, and will be researching and posting more soon.

Drugs

Alrighty!...now, something I have expertise on!...This one and alcohol, fo shizzle!....Belive it or not, I have done very few kinds of drugs...Alcohol, Marijuana, Opiates, and Ecstacy is it...so that probably excludes me from being an expert. However, one of them were ranked as one of the most addictive drugs in the world...Oxycodone...basically, heroin in pill form...warm, fuzzy, happy, trippy goodness....makes everything alot easier...gives you energy all day to keep up w/ laundry and paperwork, and dishes. The auditory hallucinations and shivers are a minor annoyance compared to the benefits...

However, withdrawal from that shit is 3 weeks of pure, unadulterated hell....

Ever seen "The Basketball Diaries" with Leonardo DiCaprio(I know, total douchebag...but a good movie nonetheless)...The withdrawal scene?...it's like that but about 100X worse...I shit you not....pure hell...

Obviously, the severity of withdrawal will depend of how many of the lil bastards you've been chowing in a day...if you up to about 2 dozen, than the following nightmare scenario should apply to you...

About 6 hours after your last handful of them, you will start to experience "mild discomfort"...accelerated heart rate, profuse sweating and general anxiety...not too bad...so far...

About 12 hours in, this shit hits the fan...or so you think....(just wait...day 3 and 4 are wayyyy worse) You are now sweating like a plowhorse, your heart feels like it's going to fucking explode, and you have the migraine to end all migraines....oh, did I mention that at this point, you are also vomiting every 20 minutes like clockwork? You are so tired you can barely stand up and every muscle in your body is now spasming in a discernable pattern...you cannot sleep because your arms and legs are involuntarily kicking and punching every time you lay down....You're about 24 hours in now, and that where the real fun begins...

The vomiting kicks into high gear, and since you have no appetite whatsoever(and won't for about 3 weeks), you are dry heaving 24/7....I would suggest LARGE quantities of weed at this point. I did not have the benefit of this, so I had to suck it up and suffer....

You are now shivering so hard that you are pulling every muscle in your body, adding to the mindsearing pain you are already in...

There are also many gastrointestinal unpleasantries that need not be mentioned that will be kicking in right about now...hold on for dear life...

Your appx. 36 hours into this hell, and guess what?...it's getting worse!!!!...now the few minutes of sleep you body will allow you are plagued w/ the most gruesome nightmares you can possibly fathom...I'm talking "seeing your family members slowly dismembered" kind of nighmares....

You are now at the point where you are sure you are going to die any minute...you feel like your having the mother of all heart attacks all day long, and you are essentially seizing on your feet...it is at this point that I said "Uncle!", and dragged my ass to the ER. I got me some blood pressure pills, and they made the next 3 weeks tolerable.

The lesson here? Stay away from that shit...seriously...I'm not kidding...don't fucking touch it....ever.