From the back-yard of that friend you had in grade school to the farthest reaches of the globe, The Woods are pretty much everywhere.
Hello. My name is Sedgewick Jacobs. I represent the Foundation For Freedom and Americas' First, a private think tank not at all affiliated with the Monsaburton Corporation. And I'm here to tell you about the greatest danger to face our nation since terrorists, gays, clean air, and the Charmin Ultra Bears--The Woods.
The Woods are not only havens for smelly hippies and tree-huggers, they hamper economic growth. Every tree that remains standing means another hard-working american isn't exploiting his god-given profit out of it.
So buy new Tree-Away now, while supplies last. These babies are going faster than, lucrative, no-bid government contracts. Please. Think of the Children.
Gotta love the woods. So much open space, so isolated, so many excitements and dangers. There are so many things to do, too--Hiking, picnics, watching his head split open like a rotten grapefruit--one way or another I just can't seem stop thinking about the Woods. There's a certain thrill of feeling the fresh air against your skin, and why should I never taste freedom again, why? I'm a good person! And who could forget nature's lively colour show of seasons--the green, life-filled Spring, the sparkling Summers, the crisp Autumn and the Winter, lifeless as his body in the ground, cold and hard as iron. I have been especially lucky to meet many woodland creatures in my time. I just love the way they fluff their tails, browse and forage for food, and look at you with those damned, soul-less eyes, accusing, knowing, fiery with Nature's retribution.