Kids Cereal is how cereal companies inject your children with diabetes by showing a talking animal smiling as it downs what is, in reality, festering bowlfuls of D-grade slop.
Children's breakfast cereals consist mostly of sand, gravel, and refined sugar, as well as some isolated
sprinkles of tears and the occasional scrap of human flesh. Boxes are sold in generous helpings,
making this among the most cost effective ways to commit suicide with a smile.
Kids love animals. That's about the extent of the average Kellog's board member's knowledge regarding
their target demographic. Tragically, its all they need to know. Put a buck toothed Koala bear on a box
of packaged cholesterol and you'll have little tykes ready to throw themselves off a building to get their
hands on it, while the men responsible are miles away, laughing maniacally and twirling their mustaches
1. Lucky Charms
Lucky Charms is one of the more popular cereals out there. There's really not much to it - just some
soggy, fun-shaped marshmellows mixed in with the boring brown bits that everyone tries to get out
of the way first. Not too bad. And there's even a leprochaun on the box. Win.
2. Fruit Loops
Fruit Loops is the crowd pleaser. It's simple, colorful, and it has a toucan - a premise everybody can
get behind. Kellog's was even kind enough to not add the unnecessary "regular," brown cereal pieces
to the fruity mix.
3. Cinnamon Toast Crunch
This stuff is the devil. You buy some Crunch for recreational purpose, you open it, and you wake up the
next morning with a splitting headache and an empty box. That little chef dude on the front now seems to
be laughing diabolicaly at you - he knows he's drawn another innocent bystander into his trap, and that
pleases his cold, stone-like heart. You're absolutely hooked. Next thing you know you're selling your
acoustic guitar for Crunch money and spending the night looking for a sugary fix. The life of a Cinnamon
junkie isn't a glorious one.
There's nothing wrong with Trix cereal, but the kids in those commercials just piss me off. The writers
try to present them as the "good guys," but I know the truth. It wouldn't hurt them to just give the rabbit
a single bowl of Trix, but they don't - they just torment him. On the flip side, it wouldn't hurt him to just
go buy some, either...
5. Fruity Pebbles
Are you kidding me, Post? Fred Flinstone? Anything - a turantula - a used condom, even - would make a
more appealing mascot than Fred Flinstone. You just let your brain vomit all over your notepad rather than
spending eight seconds picking an animal out of a hat and slapping a smile on it. And you paid for it -
literally. You paid to use Fred Flinstone because someone else came up with him first.
And then you make your commercials - about a guy getting his cereal stolen and then trying to get it back.
Never in all my 17 years have I witnessed a more incredibly apathetic approach to marketing. There isn't
a scrap of originality in this whole franchise.
6. Coco Pebbles
I refuse to buy a box of Coco Puffs until that screeching bird is institutionalized and off my television set.
7. Cocoa Pebbles
Go to hell, Post.