Kids Cereal

Kids Cereal is how cereal companies inject your children with diabetes by showing a talking animal smiling as it downs what is, in reality, festering bowlfuls of D-grade slop.

Give the customer what they want.

Good, good, good, and a little obnoxious, but passable - mascots.

BAD mascot.

Just The Facts

  1. Children's cereal is the corporate attempt at manufacturing cardiovascular diseases.
  2. Its also about as good for you as eating a bowl of sugar-coved nails for breakfast, if not less so.
  3. But it tastes like a bowlful of orgasm, so the ride down is an absolute blast.

Cracked on Kid's Cereals

Children's breakfast cereals consist mostly of sand, gravel, and refined sugar, as well as some isolated

sprinkles of tears and the occasional scrap of human flesh. Boxes are sold in generous helpings,

making this among the most cost effective ways to commit suicide with a smile.

He'll die happy.

How Its Advertised

Kids love animals. That's about the extent of the average Kellog's board member's knowledge regarding

their target demographic. Tragically, its all they need to know. Put a buck toothed Koala bear on a box

of packaged cholesterol and you'll have little tykes ready to throw themselves off a building to get their

hands on it, while the men responsible are miles away, laughing maniacally and twirling their mustaches

in glee.

The Cereals

1. Lucky Charms

Lucky Charms is one of the more popular cereals out there. There's really not much to it - just some

soggy, fun-shaped marshmellows mixed in with the boring brown bits that everyone tries to get out

of the way first. Not too bad. And there's even a leprochaun on the box. Win.

2. Fruit Loops

Fruit Loops is the crowd pleaser. It's simple, colorful, and it has a toucan - a premise everybody can

get behind. Kellog's was even kind enough to not add the unnecessary "regular," brown cereal pieces

to the fruity mix.

3. Cinnamon Toast Crunch

This stuff is the devil. You buy some Crunch for recreational purpose, you open it, and you wake up the

next morning with a splitting headache and an empty box. That little chef dude on the front now seems to

be laughing diabolicaly at you - he knows he's drawn another innocent bystander into his trap, and that

pleases his cold, stone-like heart. You're absolutely hooked. Next thing you know you're selling your

acoustic guitar for Crunch money and spending the night looking for a sugary fix. The life of a Cinnamon

junkie isn't a glorious one.

4. Trix

There's nothing wrong with Trix cereal, but the kids in those commercials just piss me off. The writers

try to present them as the "good guys," but I know the truth. It wouldn't hurt them to just give the rabbit

a single bowl of Trix, but they don't - they just torment him. On the flip side, it wouldn't hurt him to just

go buy some, either...

5. Fruity Pebbles

Are you kidding me, Post? Fred Flinstone? Anything - a turantula - a used condom, even - would make a

more appealing mascot than Fred Flinstone. You just let your brain vomit all over your notepad rather than

spending eight seconds picking an animal out of a hat and slapping a smile on it. And you paid for it -

literally. You paid to use Fred Flinstone because someone else came up with him first.

And then you make your commercials - about a guy getting his cereal stolen and then trying to get it back.

Never in all my 17 years have I witnessed a more incredibly apathetic approach to marketing. There isn't

a scrap of originality in this whole franchise.

6. Coco Pebbles

I refuse to buy a box of Coco Puffs until that screeching bird is institutionalized and off my television set.

7. Cocoa Pebbles

Go to hell, Post.