This is an thorough examination of Harry Potter fanfiction, primarily from the points of view of those poor sad individuals who are written to live it.
My name is Harry Potter, and I am a certified badass. If you're looking for somebody to blow shit up, I'm your man. If you're looking for somebody to rip through a set of ancient wards like tissue paper, I can do that too. Or at least, I could once. Sadly, I am a fictional character, and thusly, I am subject to the whims of any who choose to write of me. Sometimes that can be great, I've lost count of the times I've shagged Fleur Delacour and Emma Watson.
Bellatrix really is an evil bitch, so the fact that I've killed her thousands of times is great. I've played host to the memories of an inordinately powerful Dark Lord several times, and more than once I've been the heir to all four founders of Hogwarts. To be honest, I'm not sure why that should matter, but it usually seems to entail having a few dozen animagus forms. If that weren't enough, thanks to wonderful people such as Shezza88 and JBern I've played host to a genuine fallen angel, and been a curse breaker badass enough to make Indiana Jones look like Rowlings version of me. Basically, I'm a pretty damn cool guy a lot of the time.
Of course, being a character as popular as I am has its downsides too. Some of the biggest downsides are these: Draco Malfoy, and Severus Snape. Don't get me wrong, I have no problem with homosexuality, but sex with Snape? Sure, his voice is gorgeous, but his skin and hair are far to disgusting. But do you know what the biggest problem is? Snape and Malfoy are total gits. I loathe them, and they loathe me. It's not a faked loathing born of unresolved sexual tension, we just freaking hate each other. That's why I hate being forced to fall madly in love with them, whether or not they've somehow become Veela. Sadly, Snape and Malfoy aren't the worst things to happen to me. I've been made a girl. I've been pregnant. But even these pale in comparison to what comes next.
I've met Charles Xavier and Captain Jean Luc Picard. I've had a threesome with them. It was awesome. I've met Han Solo and Indiana Jones. And had a threesome with them. Again, awesome. Those men are straight up awesome, and so I'm ok having sex with them. What I'm not ok with is when I end up bringing an army of star wars soldiers back to fight Voldemort. It's ridiculous in the extreme. First of all, nobody has any reason to follow me or obey my orders, and secondly, one X-Wing with its laser cannons and 6-9 torpedoes (depending on the model) is more than sufficient to eliminate one lousy dark lord. I guess what I'm trying to tell you is this: screw crossovers.
If it's hard to write a good crossover, it's impossible to write a good story of this sort: the sort where I am stripped of my power, and hurled into a not-so-random muggle highschool. I am forced, once there, to penetrate some sad lonely teenage girl, and then become the bestest of buddies with, well, what's the opposite of a Nazi? The internet, which as a muggle highschool student I have access to, says "unsocialist". I am forced to cavort, both sexually and platonically, with grammar unsocialists. Calling these pathetic individuals who put me into a story about their lives authors is like calling Obama a Swiss born Muslim. By the way, I have been forced to do that on occasion as well.
Please. I implore you. I may not be real, but that doesn't mean I'm not a person. Please. Please for the sake of all that is holy STOP. Just stop putting me into these terrible, terrible situations.
Hello. I was recently kidnapped, and forced to spend time in something called a highschool. I quickly broke out, but prior to my escape some teenaged girls held me down and forced me to read something called a "fanfiction". Much to my horror, I discovered that it was a story about some strange man who shared my name. When I found out that thousands of such travesties existed, and that they truly were about me, I decided to emulate the first intelligent thing Potter ever did. I am writing you a letter to express my dissent with your infringement upon my person.
My name is Draco Malfoy, and I wish to clear up a few common misconceptions about myself. Firstly, I am not misunderstood. Beneath my cruelly mocking and racist exterior lies no sad little boy, no young man yearning for true love.
The next great misconception is that of my physique. As a schoolboy whose only form of exercise is sitting on a literal broomstick, my muscles do not bulge, nor do they ripple nor glimmer. I do not smile sweetly, I smirk sarcastically.
Startlingly, there seems to be a great deal of confusion as to my species. This disgusts me, because I am a pureblood, I am the elite of the wizarding society, and can assure you that I am entirely human. In the world where I live there exists precisely one type of elf. This form of elf is a small greenish slave. As I am neither three feet tall, nor the color of a particularly ill persons face, I can assure you that I am most certainly not an elf. Next, as much as I wish that I were some sort of sex-demon, Veela are generally understood to be exclusively female. I hold that keeping these creatures in the fairer sex is most often a good choice, as male veela are so rarely anything but excuses for poorly written pornography, riddled with excessive orgasms.
One thing truly baffles me. It is well understood that with the exception of one Stephanie Meyers preposterous fantasies, (I know of them due to the time I spent held hostage in a muggle "high - school" with Potter of all people) vampires burn in sunlight.
if only he'd burnt
Pale though I may be, I have played Quidditch many a day, and on the broom I have been directly exposed to sunlight. As I am not presently a heap of ash, it is clear that a vampire I am not.
My "love" life is somewhat shrouded in mystery, and I shall endeavor to keep it there to a degree, but I am going to explain just a few things. First of all, my father has never raped or tortured me. He is a harsh and indeed an evil man, but his proclivities, like those of ab tout 90% of the population, trend towards women, and towards people who are not of his direct bloodline. Had I been tortured, that would be a rather excessive case of child abuse, and I would act more like Potter than my bratty self. Secondly, Severus Snape is a man who I have known and admired since childhood. More importantly, he is my Godfather, practically family. As such, we would never in a million years even consider the notion of coupling with each other. More on the men in my life: Crabbe and Goyle are hideous. I will never have sex with anybody that ugly. Finally, Harry Potter. He is lucky. He is not unusually intelligent, or unusually talented at anything save Quidditch. Most importantly, Potter and I strongly dislike each other. I spend an inordinate amount of time specifically trying to infuriate him, because he annoys me. It's that simple. Anybody who reads this as love is a fool, and is going to end up in an abusive relationship.
My romantic relationships with women are just as clear cut. Hermione Granger, despite her sullied blood, is quite an attractive witch. Though I would enjoy shagging her, it would never be any more than that. I find her an irksome know-it-all who lords her text-book like unimaginative knowledge over others because it is the only way she knows to bolster her pathetically low self-esteem. I'd totally do her
seriously, who wouldn't?
but I'd never love her. Ginny Weasly is even worse. The Weaslys are poor, and they are blood traitors. To engage in sexual activity with one of them would be to irreparably degrade myself. When the time comes, I shall marry an appropriately blooded and moneyed witch, and produce offspring with her to continue my line. Perhaps I'll take a mistress for entertainment purposes.
Ladies and gentlemen, my character is well defined as being a shallow prick. If you wish to write me up as brilliant, or as reluctant to serve Voldemort, or as Pottys estranged lover, please just pick a different character. Perhaps Blaise, because with him, you can do anything you like, as my creator never bothered to flesh him out at all. If you manage to write a not-me me well, you could as easily write that character to a different name.