Rock, Paper, Scissors

'Rock, paper, scissors' is a decision-based competition involving the hands of two people, where the main weapons of choice include: one rock, one paper, and one scissor. Unless you're cheating.

The rock is known for its solidarity and rugged exterior. Prefered method of execution: blunt force trauma.

The paper is a silent hunter, drifting through the air like a harmless feather. However, its savagery is fully displayed in its preference for getting up close and personal, it likes to watch the life seep away from the eyes of the smothered.

Often disguising itself as the peace sign, the scissor is able to get within range of the paper and sever its vocal cords before it can scream.

Just The Facts

  1. Rock Paper Scissors can be traced back to the Ming Dynasty in China, making this game 700 years old.
  2. It was popularized by Japan, who needed something to do before they invented tentacle porn.
  3. Canada currently holds the most RPS Society Tournament Wins. (It's the only other thing we do when not sexually assaulting polar bears.)

Appropriate Uses of Rock Paper Scissors

Rock Paper Scissors is mostly used to settle disputes between two characters, and is almost useless for people without hands, or scissors for hands.

Worst. Player. Ever.

Another requirement for Rock Paper Scissors is another person to play it with (hopefully not Mr. Predictable up there), although I suppose this does not apply to people with Alien Hand syndrome.

Rock... paper... sci - No! strangle is not a valid move!!

The prevalent opinion is that the Rock Paper Scissors method of decision making should only be used to settle minor disputes, such as who is taking out the garbage on a -40 degrees Celsius winter day, who gets to ride shotgun, and who has to wrestle the polar bear in the backyard that stole all the beer (a weekly dispute in Canada).

Rock Paper Scissors as an apparatus for settling serious issues and international disputes is heavily scorned upon.

Much to the chagrin of Hitler.

A New Level of Gaming

From its simple origins as Rock-Paper-Scissors, Ant-Person-Elephant or many of the other simpler variations; this game has evolved in its mechanics due to participants trying to argue themselves into a win.

Nowadays, the game often becomes Rock-Paper-Scissors-Lizard-Spock-Volcano-Nuke-Sarah Palin-Mule-Umbrella-Zombie, or a similar mish-mash of nouns. This more enjoyable variant of the classics simply involves choosing something deadly and then arguing its superiority over the opponent's choice (volcano beats tank, meteor beats dinosaur, asian child beats math, asian parent beats child...etc).

Velociraptor beats ham sandwich.

How to Win in Rock Paper Scissors

Since this game is largely based on chance, you are likely to win at least a portion of the time.

However, I will share with you some strategies that will greatly enhance your chances... at least according to the internet:

1) Watch your opponent play other players, and note what object they like to use the most. Study the patterns that their psychology will unconciously set.

Alternative: Throw sand into his face, then shove him into path of said oncoming polar bear.

That damn beer stealing polar bear!

2) Use paper against male rookie players, because they tend to use rock in a subconcious desire to seem powerful, or dominant.

Use rock against female rookie players, because they tend to use scissors in a subconcious desire to seem slutty.


Alternative: Realize you are a 'expert' at Rock-Paper-Scissoring, and go develop some skills applicable in real life.

3) Watch your opponents hand and see their move, then quickly counter.

Alternative: Assert your dominance by violently discharging urine and tears all over your opponent, if you're both this into it, you both have no dignity.

*Often applying Rock-Paper-Scissors as a decision-maker demonstrates a childish level of indecisiveness, which will turn you off to future life partners and employers. So really nobody wins.