Shaggy

Shaggy is a mentally challenged stoner with the uncanny ability to speak to dogs. Shaggy is a Gulf War veteran who sings complete gibberish inter spliced with cries of his own name and "ah-wah!" Shaggy is an adjective that means "bushy".

These things are shaggy.

Just The Facts

  1. Shaggy the cartoon's name is Norville Rogers and his best friend is a dog. He lives in the back of a van. You can see why he's a substance abuser.
  2. Shaggy the musicians name is Orville Richard Burrel, possibly in honor of popcorn magnate Orville Reddenbacher
  3. Shaggy the adjective seems to trace its origins to the Norse word "rogg." Isn't that interesting?

The Cartoon

Shaggy is a dirty beatnik who eats dog food and has a curious knack for stumbling ass backwards into solving crimes with the help of a talking dog, a homosexual in a neckerchief, a bookish lesbian and Daphne. Each and every crime is exactly the same as the previous crime, making it relatively easy to crack.

It has never been explicitly mentioned whether or not Shaggy is aware that the rest of Mystery Inc, the aforemtioned group of homosexuals and Daphne, use him as human bait in their continuining efforts to ferret out monsters which inevtiably turn out to be people in costumes engaged in plots that would merit the description of retarded if they weren't so needlessly complex and detailed.

this is what asshole looks like

The perfect costume for those who want their kid to look like a complete ass hat

Shaggy was originally voiced by Casey Kasem, who quit because Shaggy wasn't a vegetarian. This does merit the description of fucking retarded.

In the Scooby Doo films, Shaggy is portrayed by Matthew Lillard, one of the second-string Horsemen of the Apocalypse known as Irritation.

The Man

Shaggy is a former Marine, meaning that he could sing Mr. Boombastic to your girlfriend (provided she is either a 15 year old girl or a women in her 40s as these are the ages that find Shaggy appealing) while killing you with his bare hands.

Here is something that makes no fucking sense whatsoever.

Shaggy became famous with the song Oh, Carolina. Here is a sample of the actual lyrics from a website, presumably presented in all honesty with no joke intended:

Carolina, wine your body gal
Make dem know say you have it fi mad dem

Oh Carolina (Prowl off, jump an prance)
Oh Carolina (Prowl off, jump an prance)
Oh Carolina gal prowl off

Gal yuh fi jump an prance (Prowl off, jump an prance)

You may notice that, technically speaking, that was all gibberish.

Shaggy's next big hit was Mr. Boombastic, which featured this verse:

Gee wheeze, baby, please
Let me take you to an island of the sweet cool breeze
You don't feel like drive baby hand me the keys
And I'll take you to a place to set your mind at ease
Don't you tickle my foot bottom ha ha baby please
Don't you play with my nose cuz I might ha-chum sneeze
Well you a the bun and me a the cheese
And if me a the rice well you a the peas

For a fun change of pace, many of those are real words however their grouping is still something akin to the Tourette's rantings and an amateur poet who likes food metaphors. It should also be noted that if you ever tell a girl she's the bun and you're the cheese, you will be going home alone.

Later Shaggy came back with songs like Angel and It Wasn't Me, a song dedicated to the fine art of lying your ass off to your girlfriend, even if she catches you with your penis firmly clasped in the crotch of someone else. During the song, Shaggy imparts this sage wisdon:

how you can grant the woman access to your villa
trespasser and a witness while you cling on your pillow
you bettah watch your back before she turn into a killah
best for you and the situation not to call the beaner
to be a true player you have to know how to play
if she say you're not, convince her, say you're gay
never admit to a word when she say
makes a claim and you tell her baby no way

Translated from Shaggynese into English, that seems to mean:

How could you let your girlfriend have a key to your house?
She could come in and see you humping your pillow
You better be careful, I hear she murdered a man for that once
It's probably in your best interests not to mention Carlos Mencia
You really need to learn how to be sneaky
If she confronts you, explain how you're gay
She's likely dumb enough to fall for that
Then from there deny everything, no matter how preposterous you sound

The Adjective

Shaggy is useful in describing many things, particularly those that are shaggy. Some examples are the cartoon character Shaggy and the musician Shaggy. Caution should be used when determing what is best described as shaggy. For instance, some have been tempted to describe film dogs voiced by Tim Allen as shaggy when in fact the proper descriptive term is "sad."