Pets are the ultimate toys. They are fun, cute and awesome, and you'd take care of them every day. Untill you actually had one that is.

Happens the same way every time.

Just The Facts

  1. Pets are scientifically proven to be the most efficient food to shit converters in existence.
  2. All the cool kids had one.
  3. They teach children to deal with important issues like death, property damage and shit.

What is a pet?

All animals are equal, but some animals are more equal than others. The most equal animals are farm animals. these animas don't ever have to do anything and get plenty of food. Next on the ladder of equalness are wild animals, that get killed by merciless hunters with guns and cars, but live a free and adventurous life. The least equal animals are called pets. They are expected to be available around the clock for anything their human masters want to do. One of the most common and cruel practices is to breed pets to have a body shape that turns even walking into a physical challenge and then ordering the poor creatures to run. Usually this involves repeatedly retrieving an object that the commanding human will keep throwing away for seemingly no good reason at all. Other methods of torture include, but are not limited to: locking the animal up in a cage, forcing the animal to sit still while it's being touched all over its body and throwing shoes at the animal. This last one in particular is usually a favorite of the neighbors of the human master.

What can I do for these poor creatures?

Many things have been tried, but in the end the only effective method for helping these animals is childlessness. As long as humans will be reproducing, pets everywhere will continue to be bred, sold, loved, tortured, forgotten about and tied to trees when going on vacation. If you care at all, you should not have any kids.

Isn't there anything else I can do?

See? I knew you didn't care enough. But don't forget, one day scientists will bring back the dinosaurs, and it will all be different.