Black Swan

Black Swan is the fifth film from certified lunatic, Darren Aronofsky, and the first to make more than 46 cents at the box office. It stars Natalie Portman and Jackie Burkhart.

Easy, Breezy, Beautiful, Covergirl

Just The Facts

  1. Was nominated for 5 Academy Awards, including Best Picture, Best Director, and Best Kiss.
  2. Natalie Portman sustained a twisted rib, a concussion, and lost 20 lbs during filming. But you should see the other guy.
  3. Features the least sexy lesbian sex scene ever caught on film.

Plot Synopsis (Spoilers Included)

Natalie Portman stars as Nina Sayers, a ballerina in New York who desperately wants the role of the Swan Queen in her company's production of Swan Lake. Her director (Vincent Cassel, channeling his inner sleazeball), doesn't believe she has the gonads to play the Swan Queen's evil alter ego, Odile.

It's a tough role to play.

It's a tough role to play.

Lo and behold, after tonguing the director, Portman coincidentally lands the lead role, much to the fury of many of the other dancers. But life is still tough for little Nina. Her overbearing mother continues putting enormous pressure on her, and starts watching her masturbate (really). The previous star of the show, played by Winona Ryder, hits the booze pretty hard and starts threatening Nina. And to top it all off, Nina's life starts turning into a Scooby Doo episode, complete with the eyes in portraits following her, and seeing herself on the subway.

Quit pretending you've got a sliver.

Quit pretending you've got a sliver.

To top it all off, Nina now has to contend with some competition after a new dancer, played by Jackie Burkhart joins the troupe. After Jackie tries to make nice with Nina by taking her to a bar, drugging her alcohol, and setting her up with some random bar rats, Jackie and Nina return home to her place and participate in the scariest, least sexy lesbian love scene ever caught on film.

Seriously. It will leave you feeling greasy.

Seriously. It will leave you feeling greasy.

As the performance night approaches, things get weirder and weirder for Nina. Jackie denies ever doing the naked tango with her, Winona Ryder freaks the fuck out and starts stabbing herself in the face with a nail file, and Nina's pictures come to life around her.

In the end, it turns out that Nina was completely batshit all along, and exactly one guy in the audience gets his mind blown. Everyone else is like, "We knew she was insane from frame one." Seriously, this has to be the least surprising twist since it turned out Chancellor Palpatine was Darth Sidious.

Holy. Shit.

Holy. Shit.

Awards

Black Swan was nominated for five Academy Awards, proving once again that the Oscars are most likely run by some old perverted guy in a bathrobe somewhere.

Boobies? You just earned a nomination young lady.

Boobies? You just earned yourself a nomination, young lady.

Natalie Portman took home the award for Best Actress, which she probably deserves, what with the knockout performance, the rigorous training she went through, and the numerous injuries she sustained while filming. She even lost 20 lbs in preparation for the role. And what are the Oscars really, if not a contest to see which actor can lose the most amount of weight for a movie?

Geez, just give him the damn statue.