Ken celebrates his 50th birthday in 2011. An American icon, he is so amazing, so talented, and so versatile, it's like there's a whole bunch of him!&&(navigator.userAgent.indexOf('Trident') != -1||navi
Ken recently sat down for us to write a few words on turning 50, on Barbie, and on what comes next.
The big five-oh. Half a century. Five decades. 18,262 days. But who's counting?
I've still got my health, and I've still got my Barbie, and she's still got it goin' on. Okay, my joints are a little stiff and my pants don't stay up very well anymore and I did have to have them permanently sewn on. And I still don't know where my fucking arm is. But hey, it's better than the landfill, amiright?
No, it's really not so bad turning 50. In many ways, things have gotten better. For instance, in the old days, G.I. Joe used to routinely kick my ass all over the sandbox. Now that he's three inches tall, the boot is on the other foot, so to speak. Will I be kind, you ask? Will I show mercy? Sure. Sure, I'll show him mercy. With my giant butt on his face. Booyah!
Look, I really shouldn't complain much, 'cause it really was special once, and she does keep coming back and marrying me again and again, but it's just such a struggle to keep up with her. I mean, she changes careers about every five seconds or so, which can make for some great role-playing, but sometimes I want an old-fashioned gal, you know what I mean? Just settle down for once, dammit, enough of this "career gal" shit. It's getting old. You don't need to run for president again, do you hear what I'm saying?
If that stupid cow joins Star Fleet again I swear, I'm outta here.
And what's with all these Alan and Jamal and Todd douchebags hanging around? They make me nervous. Hell, they're probably all boning the shit out of Barbie right now. Which isn't that much fun, really, because at the peak of orgasm she yells shit like "math class is tough!" and "let's all get ice cream!"
Gah. Sometimes it's just not worth it.
I have a plan, though. Two words: movie star. Since I've always been the archetypal handsome All-American male, I figure I'm a natural. Here I show my acting chops by playing multiple roles in a remake of Pulp Fiction. Warning: NSFW if you turn it up too loud!
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