Webster's defines 'Dancing' as, "The gyration of one's booty to nearby music and you don't stop, yeah you don't stop. Uh-huh!"
There are many types of dancing practiced all over the world, such as:
Just The Facts
- That's the way!
- Uh huh, uh huh!
- I like it!
Dancing: The Only Sport Endorsed by Evolution
In 2005, a scientific study published in Jamaica declared that women are attracted to men who are good dancers. For this discovery, the researchers were immediately nominated for the Nobel Prize in No Fucking Shit, Sherlock!
Unfortunately, they lost to the Swedish team that discovered that Cookies Are Delicious
However, the reason for the attraction is worthy of note. It appears that, just like humans are sexually stimulated by faces that are more symmetrical, they are also attracted to bodies that exhibit this characteristic. In their study, the researchers found that men who were good dancers were also rated as having more symmetrical bodies than their boogie-impaired counterparts. The researchers thus concluded that dancing has evolved as a way for those who were endowed with greater body symmetry to show off this desirable trait.
The study also reports that, in numerous species, body asymmetry is linked with greater rates of disease and early death, as well as less fertility. Furthermore, a lack of body symmetry can have negative effects in other areas, such as facial appearance, odor, and voice. How one can achieve a more symmetrical odor was left woefully unexplained by the scientists.
This side needs more Swiss cheese shavings!
Dancing Fucks With Your Mind (In a Good Way)
It's patently obvious that dancing is good for the body. If you habitually go out and shake what yo mama gave ya, some of the benefits can include added flexibility, strength, and endurance. But you know what, fuck that! When you're 80, you're not going to care about being able to do the splits or benching 250. You're going to worry about about being able to remember what century you're living in and whether or not Calvin Coolidge is still president.
Though some people have been known to age better than others...
Oh, but in 2009, the New England Journal of Medicine published a report stating that dancing helps you do just that! It appears that people who dance regularly not only have greater verbal fluency than the average person, but also see their risk of dementia drop by a staggering 76%. And don't think that it's just the fact that you keep active that gives you an edge. The research article stated that sports such as golf, swimming or bicycling did not show anywhere near the same effects. Dancing even beat out regular reading, which only gives you a 36% reduced risk of dementia.
Pictured: A waste of time
Why does this happen? Well, when people dance, they keep their brains active by making rapid-fire decisions and adjustments, thus keeping their brains just as active as their bodies. This in turn creates new neural pathways, giving you a greater cognitive reserve that you can enjoy in the present and in your golden years.
Dancing as Death Sport
Although mankind has a long history of pitting humans against each other in contests of mortal peril, dancing has typically not been part of these rituals. But don't tell that to Connecticut man Robert Stitt.
In 2007, Stitt decided to challenge a man to a dance-off in a parking lot, to the delight of many spectators. In case you didn't make the connection, this mirrors the plot of the film You Got Served, which turns out somewhat accurately depicted a real phenomenon that was sweeping through the United States in which men settled their differences in a contest of dance moves and relentless douchebaggery.
Above: A serious documentary
Unfortunately for Stitt, his opponent successfully landed a backward flip, which the Official Bylaws Of The Parking Lot Dance-Off dictate you must then attempt to outdo. Stitt tried a forward flip, but much to the dismay of the onlookers (and to the utter shock of his own spinal column), he fell on his face and went into cardiac arrest. The man died later in the hospital.
Since this unfortunate incident, the barbaric practice of dancing furiously to prove a (probably retarded) point has thankfully died down. Today, dancing as a spectator sport is mostly confined to watching Dancing with the Stars, where B-list celebrities make one last grasp at fame, and So You Think You Can Dance, where semi-talented fame whores get yelled at by British assholes.
Actually, this might be improved by turning it into a death sport, no?