Die in the first fifteen minutes of the movie, die before the movie even starts, or leave your husband for some dickhead. These are your options if you marry an action hero.
Just The Facts
- If you are a man in an action movie and there are no kids around, you will probably only have to worry about staying alive and getting the girl.
- If there are kids, watch out. You will have to singlehandedly keep them alive, protect their innocence, and possibly go on a revenge-based rampage that involves killing hundreds of people.
- You also must be prepared for unexpected bouts of childish incompetence suddenly popping up to advance the plot.
Single fathers make up approximately 97% of lead characters in action movies that involve children. The other 3% are all directed by James Cameron.
There are several possible reasons for this:
- A dead and/or absent spouse makes it easier for a director to build quick sympathy for their main character, while kids in danger can justify the killing of an entire small village of henchmen.
- The children of henchmen are presumably always raised by single mothers.
- A male lead's not-dead wife will take up valuable time that could otherwise be used for explosions.
- The directors want to use their craft to explore the lessons they've learned from interacting with their own children, and also all secretly want to kill their wives.
Signs That You May Be In Need Of An Action Movie
- You're a renegade cop whose wife has ditched him for the guy down the street who owns his own organic fruit smoothie business.
- Your children no longer respect you, despite you admonishing them with lines such as "Son, it really hurts my feelings when you talk to me that way."
- You have lapsed into a form of alcoholism that still leaves you in surprisingly good physical shape.
- Nobody understands you, and you're getting too old to deal with it by listening to mix tapes in the dark.
How To Kick-Start Your Action Movie Life Challenge
If you're lucky, you will have a shady past involving an elite military or secretive government agency background, or at the very least, an old arch-nemesis who is still hoping to settle a score. If you don't, though, here are some things that might help you become an Action Movie Single Dad:
- Calling down some sort of Elder God curse
- Going up to the first mafia boss you can find and kicking him in the crotch
- Joining several 'Child Slavery - Is It All Bad?' groups on Facebook, and leaving all your family albums unlocked
- Doing your best to contribute to global warming, pole shift reversal, or whatever a producer in Hollywood is reading a book about this week
- Punching out an alien
At first glance, it might seem wrong to put yourself, your children, and potentially all of planet Earth in such danger. But don't worry. You'll feel much better about everything when you're piloting a helicopter containing your family away from an exploding swarm of Ebola-infected killer bees.