Verizon Iphone

On February 10th, 2011 the iPhone 4 was released on Verizon's 4G network. Everyone that stood in that ridiculously long line was warned that it was not as great as its SuperBowl commercial stated.

Made of Lies and Chocolate

Just The Facts

  1. The iPhone 4 that would be running on Verizon 4G would not actually be running on 4G. It would still be running on At&t's 3G.
  2. Verizon's network has never handled the weight of the iPhone before. Therefore, whatever coverage you thought were getting is wrong.
  3. The Verizon iPhone can not multitask, therefore it is inferior to the At&t iPhone.

CRACKED on the Verizon iPhone

Apple has one of the greatest advertising teams in the world. They have the strange ability to make everything they release seem 10 times greater than it actually is. This is a fact. They did it with the iPhone 3G (their only real hit) and again with the iPhone 4. Let's look at the three big things they emphasized on shall we?

3) It Will Run On Verizon, Ergo 4G, Ergo Awesome-sauce, Ergo Suck It At&t

This is probably the biggest thing that Apple kept telling us about. Verizon and Apple fans had been asking for the best phone on the best network since the original iPhone came out. It seemed too great to be true, until November 2010 when it became true. Verizon played on this by telling everyone exactly how great it was in its many commercials targeting At&t. So obviously, when Verizon got iPhone rights, everyone thought "Holy Crap! Its A Dream Come True!"

Well.... not exactly. Apple is one of those guys that sells bootleg DVD's to Europeans in the NTSC format. Oh wait, that's Obama.

You see, At&t has a different hardware set up than Verizon, so originally all of Apple's specs were in At&t mode. But now that they need to adapt their phones for Verizon, they decided to just screw it, because its not the whole world their screwing this time just Verizon users. The iPhone 4 hardware set up was only changed to accomodate Verison's no sim-card policy, not their awesome 4G policy. So now Verizon iPhone 4 users have to rely on Verizon's 3G which is actually worser than At&t's.



Another aspect of the iPhone, Apple chose to emphasize on was its new HotSpots feature. It had already been on all Verizon phones but this was a huge factor in bringing in old iPhone users who previously could only do this through a jailbreak. Only thing is, they added this feature through their 4.3 software update. Which basically means At&t customers can use this new feature too. Apple could have made a Verizon iPhone specific update thereby denying At&t customers the new feature, but nooo we can't screw our customers!! Oh wait, we just did....

Apple's ads that pointed this out didn't also say that At&t users couldn't use it as well. So anyone seeing the ads would assume they had dish out another 200 bucks and switch over. Of course when they would have, they would have realized their mistake and been thoroughly screwed. Just like the Verizon users...

Apple's Policy on Customer Screwing Complaints

1) We Gave You What You Wanted. Now Pay Us.

Apple, because you know they're dicks, had this aura that the Verizon iPhone would be a HUUGE hit and lines would be longer than before and that they could screw more people than Genghis Khan. This auro was supposed to convince people that they should join in on the hype and buy their iPhone.

Actually, they screwed up on this one (see what I did there?). Many news outlets figured out what Apple was doing and warned the people before they fell into Apple's screwing pit. It was such a big deal, it got on the front of For Yahoo to replace their usual cat-related stories and warn their audience against apple is a ,quote, "big f*cking deal. And it worked. February 10th came around and, wallah! Less lines and less sales.

"SCREW YOU APPLE!!!"- The World

And now to deal with that Jersey Shore problem....