Hipster Evolution

The study of Hipster Evolution is an ongoing series of scientific observations. Hipster's behaviors and patterns have become increasingly easy to predict and scientists hope they will all just go away...before someone gets their feelings hurt.

Stage 1-Emo/Nerd (Plus the Juxtaposition of these two was funny)

Stage 2-Hipster (and why doesn't someone remove them from society?)

Stage 3: Yuppie (You know mom has some

Just The Facts

  1. Hipsters think they are better than you. They own Mac's, they shop at Urban Outfitters and you are scum under their Keds
  2. Hipsters are defined by consumption and companies know this, thus all the ads featuring Hipster like charcters.
  3. Huey Lewis and The News "Hip to be Square" was actually a prophecy foretelling the Hipster invasion

The Beginnning-Middle-End of Hipster Life Cycle

The origin of Hipsters is hard to pin down. Some theorize that they are simply former emo kids suffering from a common side effect of prozac, while still others state they are former preps attempting to embarrasses their wealthy parents by dressing like they are homeless. Even more theories claim everything from geeks who weren't actually good at anything to losers who took moving out of their parents house as a chance to re-invent themselves as assholes (because assholes get all the girls is the leading theory on why this makes any sense at all). Ultimately all of these theories combine to form the masses of Hipsterdom.

Hipster's , as in describing flannel wearing strongly opinionated obtusely trendy arrogant trust fund babies, go by a couple other names, you may have also heard called them "artsy kids who aren't actually good at art," coffee shop kids, lumberjacks or the old stand-by loser.

Not just my opinion, theirs a whole movie based, made in 2000!

Hipsters hang out at small coffee shops. They own a Mac computer, not because they do advanced video editing or anything, basically all they do is listen to crappy music and surf the internet for vintage clothing, but Mac's look cooler so you can't own anything but the latest one. In fact you can't own any technology not made by Apple which causes problems when it comes time to reheat their vegan Indian food. Apparently Hipsters spend so much of their money keeping up with Apple's latest piece of equipment that they can't afford clothing made in the past 30 years and our forced to root their their parents old clothing and shop at thrift stores. However, if they find a particularly trendy accessory they will spend the rest of their dead grandmother inheritance for the piece.

Because spending a lot of money to look poor is ironic!...right?

Hipsters have a variety of natural enemies in the world. In fact if a hipster were to wonder to far from either ocean they could easily risk being confused with a time traveler and be swiftly hog tied in the back of Jed's F-150. However, Hipsters aren't all love, they especially hate preps or frat/sorority girls (not that this isn't justified) probably because these are they people who taunted them into an adolescence of obscurity and ultimately leading to butterflying upon gaining independence. Every other group is considered lowly and "trying to fit in" by Hipsters and are subjugated to the unmentionable category along with corporations, non-green transportation and why they cry themselves to sleep every night.


But eventually Hipster's begin to evolve yet again...

Man I miss Pokemon!

Although Hipster's evolved from a variety of different sub species, all Hipsters have the same path forward in life. Hipsters eventually have to grow up, and of course grow up means get an entry level cubicle job, upon the realization that only Ke$ha still likes beards, they promptly shave. Female hipsters dye their hair back to one color and remove the facial piercing they been hiding from their mom for 4 years. Having lost their protective coating they are instantly seduced by their former enemy, the sorority girl/frat boy. They maintain some of their characteristics by purchasing a Volvo or VW, however this does little to slow the transformation. As time moves on they become adsorbed in the suburban landscape and get married, while on their honeymoon, to some generic island, they complete their transformation.

I destroyed the economy, but it's OK because I am leader of a local philanthropy that helps people I wouldn't feel comfortable seeing within 10 miles of my neighborhood...SMILES.

They return home a Yuppie (Marriage is a prerequisite for Yuppidom however divorced and/or widowed is acceptable), they have children and join the PTA with former sorority girls and play a round every Thursday with their new neighbors. Without knowing it they have becoming completely anonymous to the world save a few neighbors and a couple people at the office.

I define this as "success." If I stand on my toes I can see outside!

The kids grow older and hate their loser parents, who now spend their days wondering what happened to all the underground music and the mustaches. They slowly wither away become crazy conservative nut bags who are convinced the liberals are out to steal their medicare and set up death panels to kill old people. Then they die, but don't worry their kids and the kids of millions of others grow and become the next generation of super trendy arrogant pricks who think they are better than everyone and make sure you know it.

You can find more ramblings by Steinmetz at STMTZ.com.

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