Sock Puppets

Sock puppets consist of a simple sock placed over the hand, with some form of crudely applied eyes and / or hair. They are also so terriying that just by thinking about them my feet have found a way to shit themselves somehow.

You  awaken, bolt upright in bed. It is still dark. You feel uneasy, as if you are being watched. This is staring at you from the foot of your bed.

Gaze upon them and know despair.

Just The Facts

  1. Sock Puppets are so horrific that I had to take 3 valium before beginning this article.
  2. They are easy to create and impossible to kill.
  3. Usually found in pairs.
  4. Sorry.

An Examination of Sock Puppets and their Potential for Evil

Sock puppets are created simply by inserting ones hand into a poor unsuspecting sock, drawing / gluing on some form of eyes, then watching the transformation of innocent cotton foot covering into foul, malevolent conduit for all your schizophrenic, corrupt desires. Eventually it will take control, and you will be the puppet. Heed my warning.

For some bizzaro reason, this puppet:

Is far less terryfying than this puppet:

Or maybe they aren't that bad and it's just me.

However, we can all agree that sock puppets are, at the very least, a little unsettling. At least regular puppets are anthropomorphised, given limbs, distinctive features, and brought to life by a puppeteer - but they are still obviously puppets. Sock puppets are different. They are a simple, everyday objects given sentiense and intentions and evil souls, simply by adding eyes. Perhaps on a psychological level, sock puppets are disturbing because they are a material illustration of the Copenhagen Interpretation, the theory where your belongings get up and do stuff when you are not present. The brain has trouble understanding that a harmless piece of clothing can somehow be given life. If you don't find them to be truly horrifying, you must at least find them a little untrustworthy.

Or maybe it's the company they keep

Fear of puppets, in any form, is know as pupaphobia.

Fear of sock puppets specifically is known as common sense.

Dr The internet, M.D. recommends 'exposure therapy' as a means of curing pupaphobia. Sounds good to me. Several hours of maced eyeballs followed before it was explained, as I was escorted from the park, that 'exposure therapy' consists of exposure to the object of fear itself in a safe, controlled environment.

If this man can overcome his phobia, so can we all.

What with this being the internet and all, people are able to talk themselves up and pretend that they are not shit scared of these appendage - covering vessels of psychological torment. The result is endless, pointless, and medically-diagnosed-retarded videos of people dabbling in dark forces which they cannot understand.

This man seems to understand. Understand that he has seconds to live.

Okay, so we have established that sock puppets are harbingers of doom who will shatter your mind and swallow your soul. Who wants to make one?

Constructing Your Own Sock Puppet!

Here we have a step by step visual guide to creating your own mascot of horror!


Lady, stop! What are doing?!

Step two: Go outside and think about what you nearly did.

Fool! It will kill us all!

Step three: Do something good with your life.

Not even your bones will remain

Step four: Never, ever consider creating a sock puppet ever again.

They go for the hand first. This is all your fault, lady. You have doomed us all.

In Conclusion - Fuck Sock Puppets

Yeah, maybe it is the company they keep

If the above image does not convince you of the true demonic intentions of sock puppets, then congratulations, you are a terrorist.

They instill the same sense of irrational fear given by the kids from the Midwich Cuckoos - innocent to the point where innocence itself collapses into itself, leaving only a gaping void in the fabric of reality, that even happy thoughts cannot escape.

And they are behind you right now

Fuck sock puppets. Fuck them right in their non-existent ear.

Always bury your sock puppet with a vial of holy water.